Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

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Anatomy of an Interview; Parto Uno

Okay okay, some of you asked about the interviewing. It’s no secret I’m in real estate. Sadly, my beloved homebuilding company folded like a house of cards would if someone excavated and built it under Oprah’s ass. It’s okay though, because I got a really nice severance package. Cough. And then some. Cough cough. Anyway, […]

Welcome Back to Tool Time!

Welcome back to Tool Time everyone. Tim and Al can’t be your hosts today, so you will have to settle for myself, six lovely co-hosts and a special guest star. Cast of Characters: FreckledK, a.k.a. “Houdini” – Pulls guys out of her hat like a magician doing a rabbit trick. Suicide Blonde, a.k.a. “URL Junkie” […]

Too Dirty to Clean My Act Up

You know, everyone jokes around when they are on vacation and the crazy friend joins them in the debauchery. But seriously, if I had known that this weekend, only half way over, was going to be like this, I would have rested up…or something. The magnitude of our first night out at Roosters was somehow […]

Was I Wrong About Phoenix?

I ran several errands in Phoenix this week and quickly noticed I was being gawked at. I decided to see if any of the 8th grade dropouts with 4 chins and beer bellies Cyrano de Bergeracked a Craigslist Missed Connection for me. Sure, DC has its share of crazies on Craigslist, but the Phoenix peeps […]

Coming Quicker Than Fedex

I had dinner tonight with Giggles, The King of the Dog Park and Sixes and Sevens. Giggles was sent away for work, so it was a catch up dinner of sorts. Sixes and Sevens, holding up her beverage and looking at me: Mazel Tov! We were toasting to my aforementioned good news. No, not engaged. […]

Velvet Variety Hour Number Fo!

Ongoing: If you can help Barkley find a home, click here for more info. It’s another busy ass week for me. Jesus. I was in a meeting out of the office today and have another one in another office tomorrow. No internet! How will I survive? I’m painfully behind in my online endeavors. After I […]

Lovin’ That Will Kick Your Behind

Before I dish, make sure you see the post about the Dupont House Tour if you are interested. Well, it was a weekend of drunken and sexual debauchery. And frankly, I would like to order another. Monday shouldn’t be here. It should be Friday. Because, if it was Friday again, the following would happen all […]

Another Year and Then You’ll Be Happy

I had originally written the following over the course of the past couple months. I added to it here and there as things struck me. However, this morning, I came into work to find out that the layoffs of last month were “just the beginning.” The homebuilding industry continues to suffer because of the stupidity […]

All I Can Commit To Is Maybe

First things first. The fuckers at It’s Just Lunch called back at a hair before 5 on Friday. They said I was “placed on hold,” and usually there is a letter in the file indicating that the client received a copy of said letter outlining the ‘hold terms.’ However, surprise, that letter is nonexistent, and […]

Velvet Variety Hour – Installment 1

Most of the time, I have a thought, usually when I’m driving. Sometimes when I’m in the shower, and rarely, but on occasion, just as I’m falling asleep at night. See a pattern? All places where I’m not distracted by anything else and my mind can clear. Also places where it’s totally inconvenient to write […]

Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away

The reason updating has been so slow is twofold. 1) There’s not a lot going on in the life of Velvet. 2) I’m trying to move the blog off blogger to the domain. It’s coming soon, but still working out the kinks. Saturday night I went out with a new friend from the dog […]

It’s Just Lunch Recap

I’m going to post a running review of my “friends” at It’s Just Lunch. I’ve had this in my Drafts for many months, but for other reasons that I can’t get into right now, I need to put this review up. Each time there’s a new date or more communication, I plan on appending this […]

El Guapo Fucks Up

Oh no. We’ve gone too far. His responses are italicized. I’ll guide you in parenthesis. ***************************************** (From AngryMan) Yes, I wear underwear. I think most guys do. I wear boxers or the boxer/brief combination. Hey, speaking of pictures, do you have any pictures you can send me? Diane sent me two, but I wanted to […]

Choose Your Own Adventure

Perhaps my commute is making me angry. Maybe it’s because I spent a delightful night with the devilish CrazyGirl and she got me fired up. Or maybe it’s because my last Craigslister is a flake – see post below this one. But, today’s emails have yielded this batch of fun. AngryMan: you’re a fucking idiot […]


But first, two tidbits for you all. 1) Picture it. Tonight. Velvet walking dogs through the zone of bars, hopping with people drinking on patios. Velvet in sweatpants. Hair in ponytail. Rain making hair frizzy. Velvet sees the Bartender. Bartender looks very hot. Nice. Could I have looked any worse? 2) Velvet got a text […]

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