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Seven years ago from today, I started Velvet in Dupont. At that time, the focus was on being newly single and dating again while living in a nice gay neighborhood like Dupont Circle.
I wish I knew then…blah blah blah.
After a couple years of sheer misery, I finally connected with X, who I had known for [...]

Hilarity on the Job Front

I’m sorry to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming of infertility bitching, but something hilarious just came to my attention.
Apparently, because I don’t really try to hide it really anyway, this blog is making its way around my former employer of 7 days. So one by one everyone is reading it, which I guess makes my [...]

People Really Suck - The Conclusion: Take This Job and Shove It

Well, after my last drama where I was on deck for a job, then the potential boss was told of my fertility quest, they still hired me. They never said a peep about the baby stuff, and just called me to confirm that they resolved the issue(s) with my friend and would I want to [...]

People Really Suck

It just doesn’t pay to be a nice person.
An old co-worker, Steve, called me earlier this year and asked if I would be interested in a 3 month contract job working for him at a property. I agreed and was able to fit it into my life as a Realtor. It ended up being a [...]

I Had to Put Her Six Feet Under and I Can Still Hear Her Complain

I’ve been very remiss in posting. Sorry.
A friend of mine asked me the other night about how I went from daily writing to basically a once a month deal. It’s not that life is dull, it’s that. Wait. Shit. Life is dull. Damn it. We’re just plugging away over here trying to figure out how [...]

Here Comes the Sun

Uggh. I can’t believe I’ve neglected the poor Velvet blog for this long. Actually, I’ve neglected all my writing endeavors, save a few cryptic notes on my feelings about a long standing family drama that’s come to a head.
X and I have had a very busy summer. There have been work and vacations. We wrote [...]

You Can Call Me Call Me Anytime Call Me

Nothing makes me cackle like a good prank call. Well, unless it’s someone falling.
Okay, so prank calls rank a close second. In college we had a shared phone between 2 dorm rooms and we would all sit on the extensions and prank various places. Sometimes we would go through the classifieds and just call people [...]

Help I’m Stepping Into the Twilight Zone

Has something ever happened to you that is just so weird that you can’t believe it happened even though you were there for the whole thing?
Yeah. That.
In 1998, I was working at this company in Connecticut that designed labels for private label foods. So if you bought “Safeway brand canned Green Beans” then we would [...]

Now That I’m Starting to Learn I Feel I’m Growing Old

Damn It’s busy. The nature of my work seems to come in waves and I’m in the middle of one now. Then of course all the other crap that comes with life slaps me around and I have to delegate half of my “to-do” list to X, which doesn’t exactly thrill him. I don’t believe [...]

Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made

It’s been a busy few weeks.
Anyone who knows a Greek family knows they are incapable of living more than 11 feet from their parent’s front door. Greeks just don’t like it when they can’t throw Baklava at you. And as Gloom proved to me today, she doesn’t like it when she can’t slam [...]

Kourtney and Kim Fake New York, Episode 2

“Kourtney and Kim Take New York” aired the next installment of scripted reality. Khloe comes to visit and just in time too, because we didn’t have enough black eyeliner or fake lashes on set. Kim and Kourt think they are so cute by hiding behind a wall when Khloe arrives. One of them says, “We’ll [...]

Kourtney and Kim Fake New York

I hate to go back to the Kartrashians so soon, but I continue to be amazed at the fact that these talentless bores have a television show. Several shows, in fact. There is yet another spinoff, “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.” The Amtrak crashed into the station and I cannot look away. In fact, [...]

Money Money Money, Must Be Funny, In a Rich Man’s World

The last few weeks have been an exercise in testing how much money we can save. I’m at the driver’s seat and X is (unwillingly at times) along for the ride. I usually make very constructive New Year’s Resolutions and I slacked off in 2009 and 2010. For our New Year’s resolutions this year, we [...]

Keeping Up With the Kar-Trashians

Today’s Post Brought to You by the Letter K
So. Now that the Kardashian sisters have a lawsuit on their head for $75 million for their association with that ridiculous Kardashian Kard, they are currently looking into new business ventures. Options abound for girls who never met a product they wouldn’t endorse. Here are some of [...]

Chelsea Handler: Style Fail

Chelsea Handler’s entire wardrobe is an exercise in malfunction.
Oh please let 2011 be the year Chelsea Handler hires a stylist. Wait. She probably has one. Okay, let 2011 be the year she hires a better stylist.
I should probably make a disclaimer here in that I like Chelsea. Her cutting, sarcastic humor is much needed on [...]

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas from Sammy, Thora and I. If they would have just sat up like I asked…you wouldn’t be able to see that I have paint cans stored in my fireplace, and that my sideboard is in front of the fireplace. We had to do some rearranging to fit the chinchillas, who, by the way, [...]

Well Tonight Thank God It’s Them Instead of You

My brother and I have decided not to exchange Christmas presents this year.  Instead, we are going to help someone in need. You know how they have those Christmas Lists that kids write and they get printed in the paper? Well, we got way lucky.  My brother found someone’s Christmas List on the Metro North, [...]

Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away

I don’t even know where to start with this one.

I had to collect my jaw off the floor after laying my eyes on this atrocity. I left it alone when they got nailed last week for that ridiculous Kardashian Kredit Kard they had which charged all sorts of terrible fees and all they did was [...]

Home Sweet Home

X and I have too many places to live and not enough jobs so we had to jettison his place in the burbs. He is supposed to be moving in with me this weekend. Supposed to be.
I know what you are thinking: What is this unconventional bullshit marriage where he lives in one state and [...]

It’s Not Over Tonight, Just Give Me One More Chance to Make it Right

I’m in a reading frenzy. I finally attacked the pile of books that I’ve had stacked up that I keep adding to but never make a dent in reading. I put a few choice selections at the top of the pile to rejuvenate my interest in reading and just finished the Pattie Boyd autobiography. Who [...]

Still the Same

Look how smashingly versatile I am!
In November, 2001, I went up to Connecticut for what is, up there, notoriously the best night to go out of the year: The night before Thanksgiving. Everyone is back in town, excited about being home, excited about the holiday, and excited about whatever. I went out with a bunch [...]

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrrrrrrrrrrr-oh!

Celebrity relationship news is always comical to me.  I’ve never been able to view celebrities as real, because the things they do are things that no one in real life would ever imagine doing. Here’s the most “interesting” of recent celebrity relationship news with my flip, one-liner, stock response.
Eva Longoria Parker and Tony Parker are [...]

Love and Other Drugs

It’s been an interesting and busy week and month for X and I. We’re finally consolidating households, we’re making plans for the hellidays, we’re dealing with two teenagers who are totally opposite of not only each other but of either X or I when we were teenagers and we’re still working on career and NY [...]

Each One is Different But They’re Always the Same

I called Zippy and his wife tonight to see how they were doing. Zippy was putting the kids to sleep, but his wife CornHusk and I got to catch up. Why CornHusk? She’s from Iowa. Duh.
When Zippy came out of the room there was some mumbling in the background. Then, the following.
CornHusk: You spent 3 [...]

I’ve Lived in This Place and I Know All the Faces

The Velvet Family (the one I was born into, not the one I married) lost a very good friend of 40+ years last week.  As neighbors, our family was intertwined with theirs. Their youngest son Zippy and my brother are best friends. Zippy’s wife is one of my best friends. Our parents were longstanding friends, [...]

Standing Here Waiting As I’m Breaking in Two

When the plane hit the first tower and people in the other tower attempted to evacuate, 10 dollar an hour security guards directed, demanded by some reports, that everyone return to their desks. In hindsight, this of course seems to be the most asinine thing to happen. Someone with no knowledge of anything gave people [...]

Taking Me, To the Point of No Return

Dear Mom:
X went off on a business trip for five days and left me here to watch the roost. I am charged with keeping my eye on #1 since his mother decided to have a nervous breakdown and skip town go on a vacation for a couple days. Last night, when X and I and [...]

Here I Come But I Ain’t The Same, Mama I’m Coming Home

X and I journeyed to Connecticut this weekend. We went to see my parents and also make the rounds with some friends who we didn’t get a chance to really catch up with at the wedding. In an effort to continue my path of post-marriage change and in the spirit of “growing up,” I am [...]

Don’t Be No Fool, Don’t Advertise Your Man

The two big questions everyone seems to ask me now are “So are you selling your place?” (OMG STFU NO I AM NOT, GET YOUR GOD DAMNED MITTS OFF!) and “So is it different being married?”
Huh. Well, no. It’s not.
At least, not for X and I. Our relationship remains exactly the same, with a bit [...]

An Open Letter to the Washington D.C. Office of Tax and Revenue

Dear Washington DC OTR:
God damned you guys are sooooo smart. SO SMART! I am so impressed at your the braniac idea you had to send everyone in the District a letter for the Tax Amnesty saying that if they paid everything that was past due for their income or property taxes that all fees and [...]

My Heart Will Always Be Yours, Honestly

I’ve come up with an ingenious idea for not having video at the wedding. The Photographer’s pictures are back, and while they are just now only online, I’m waiting for the CD so I can work on my next project: One of those videos set to music with pictures that are in a slideshow format! [...]

To Love Somebody, Naturally

It’s happening on Friday. I can’t believe it’s 2 days away.
Here’s the song we’ll play when the moms and my nieces-as-flowergirls enter:

Max Pezzali /883 - Eccoti

I’d like Sammy and Thora to go down the aisle too during this time, but I’m thinking they won’t be able to figure that part out. There’s a left turn [...]

Sammy & Thora are Mega Famous

YAY! I’m so proud of my muffins!
It won’t be long before we are fielding calls from Oprah and Chelsea!

We Need Your Vote!

Well, not me, but Kelly does.  She’s a longtime reader/commenter here at Dysfunction in Dupont, and is trying out for Oprah. All you have to do is click the link and click the vote! Thanks!!!

Til What Do Us Part?

It is totally unintentional that my last post title deviated from my usual song lyric clip to part of the traditional marital vows, and that this one is another vow. But why “Til Death?” Are you no longer married after a death? Aren’t you always married in your heart?
My dear friend Lily, whose husband has [...]

For Better For Worse

It’s been a rough weekend. I’m not going to get into all the details but I had a bit of an operation on Friday morning. X brought me home with all my pain meds and antibiotics, and took the pups for me so I didn’t have to walk them while feeling like a truck drove [...]

When You Love Me, I’m On Top of the World

Okay. I lied about something. I’m not as “together” with the wedding as these past few posts may have indicated. There’s something I haven’t told a soul until, well, Sunday when X and I were walking the dogs and it just sort of popped out. I’ll just re-enact that.
X: How many nights are we blocking [...]

Something About the Woman Makes My Heart Go Haywire, and She’s Gonna Be My Wife

Well, X and I have a new favorite show. That stupid “Say Yes to the Dress” show. I think in the absence of me making a huge deal of the dress shopping, coupled with the fact that I stumbled into a place and found the dress without giving it much thought or bringing anyone with [...]

Take My Hand, Take My Whole Life Too

The ring drama continues. I found this great notched ring that I even sent the link for to Tyler, thinking it could help him solve his issue too with their ring. Today the ring arrived. I knew X was coming through the garage at the same time Fed Ex was pulling up to the front [...]

She’s Picked Out a King Sized Bed

I’d like to say that the swift pace at which X and I have been making wedding decisions has endured for each area of decision making. But when it came to the dress, progress came to a screeching halt. Let’s review my thought process as it unfolded in my brain:
Wearing dress for a couple hours. [...]

She’s Telling Me We’ll Be Wed

We have very little requirements in the way of locating a Justice of the Peace.
1) Must be non-denominational since X and I are basically atheists.
2) Must be open and willing to performing same-sex marriages. No, this is not when I unveil that X is really a female. But, I strongly believe that anyone should be [...]

If This is Just the Beginning, My Life’s Gonna Be Beautiful

The fifth and final place we went to check out was up in good old Connecticut, the land of hedge funds and million dollar houses. After we left my parents non-million-dollar house, we stopped by the restaurant/hotel on the way out of town. This hotel was known by another name when I was in high [...]

My Head Keeps Spinning, I Go to Sleep and Keep Grinning

We’ve had some serious progress over here in Velvet World the last few days.
Regarding the piece of shit doctor, we filed complaints with the Virginia Medical Board and HHS for HIPAA violations. I cannot wait until he gets those notices.
X and I had a busy 38 hours between Friday at 7 a.m. and Saturday at [...]

When I Wanted You To Share My Life, I Had No Doubt In My Mind

Damn it. It was my Resolution to post more this year. Obviously I’m the suckage at that.
It’s been another two months of crazy. I’m trying to get a business off the ground, my dad was sick, my uncle died, I had to get rid of Speedracer and bought another, still unnamed vehicle that the fucking [...]

Then the Busy Years Went Rushing By Us

It’s been a very busy few months. Life’s getting away from me. I think. Maybe it’s not. I suppose I’m in full control, just busy. Let’s see…
We found X’s birth dad. Dead. Very sad. Very upsetting. Though, when we finally got a name from his birth mom, and googled the name, we found an obituary [...]

What I Seem To Want…Well You Know I’ll Find a Way

I’m not sure which planets have aligned to allow the following to happen, but it is still a shocker.
You may recall our near miss in Delaware, where we almost latched on to some drunk in a Karaoke bar, sure she was X’s birth mother. Well, one of us was sure. X has found her. The [...]

I Know What I’m Needing And I Don’t Want To Waste More Time

I really thought that with being laid off I would have a lot more time on my hands to do the things I love - sleep, write, run, see X. Unfortunately, none of those dreams have come to fruition.
My knee is all jacked up so there’s no running in my near future. Crap. And I’ve [...]

Happy Birthday Thora!

Well, I really did it this time. I made that bacon cake and had a little party for Thora with a couple of her little neighborhood doggie friends.  I haven’t managed to keep a goldfish, hamster or chinchilla alive anywhere near their expected lifespan. So this? Thora’s 10th Birthday? This is a big deal.
Last year [...]

You Were Quicker Than They Thought

This entire week has been a bit of a clusterfuck. I think I’ve spent more time on the phone with people discussing work than I’ve actually been at work. X really thinks I work at the inspiration for “The Office.”
It took a year and a half but I am fed up. And I’m on the [...]

The Trick You Said, Was Never Play the Game Too Long

Every time something noteworthy happens to me, I swear I’m going to sit down and put it into words. My life with X is so good. It is just so good. We have everything in place, all our plans lined up like neat little ducks, hovering delicately at that place of dropping the first domino. [...]