The Queen of Quantity said I was on fire last week. I’d been shooting off one liners faster than Dane Cook would have on the Titanic. I’d share, but, for them to make any sense, I would have to trot a long way in background for the punchline. It’s too hard. Just know that I’ve outlined a game plan for her on a chalkboard she made in her house. (Fucking Martha Stewart wannabe without the jail time.) I like that chalkboard. I could use one next to my bed refrigerator.
Anyway, in an effort to fully utilize the creative genius spilling out of my body, I’ve decided to create a quiz for you. I don’t know why really. Okay, I know why. In an email exchange with Barbara, I put in one of these quiz questions and then answered it for myself.
Let’s call it the “Would I Want to Be Friends With Velvet?” Quiz. The first question actually happened to a friend of mine – one of my all time favorite “if I was stranded on an island I’d want you there with me” kind of people. But I made the rest up, I swear. Okay, let’s go.
1) You are partying in Georgetown. Two friends in town from Boston, both of the opposite sex, (if you are gay, these people are both the same sex as you) befriend you. After several drinks on their tab, they offer you a ride home. In the car, one of the two begins to hit on you. It is obvious that the other person is also interested in you, and becomes irritated at their friend. They have a fight and stop the car and demand you get out of the car. Telling you they can’t give you a ride any further and leaving you in the middle of no where, they want directions to their hotel. You:
a) Give them directions to their hotel and walk home shaking your head. Fucking tourists.
b) Convince them to let you stay in the car until you get them to their hotel where you know you can get a cab.
c) Give them the wrong directions sending them straight into the ghetto out of spite, and fend for yourself on the ride home.
2) Your house is on fire. You have two children. You can save only two things, what are they?
a) Your two children.
b) One child (whichever is closer) and your narcotics.
c) Your Gucci purse (with the drugs in them) and a picture of both kids.
3) If you could only listen to one music act for the rest of your life and it had to be from this list, you would pick:
a) Tim McGraw
b) Carrie Underwood
c) Metallica
d) Blues Traveler
e) John Mayer
f) The Killers
4) Your favorite swear from this list is:
a) Fuck
b) Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch
c) Shit
d) Gosh Darn it
5) The character you most resemble from Sex and the City is:
a) Charlotte
b) Miranda
c) Carrie
d) Samantha
e) Magda
f) None of the above
6) How many times have you left one or more undergarments at the home of a one night stand, just so you could get the hell out of there?
a) Never, your undergarments are too nice to be left behind.
b) Never, your undergarments are too holey to be left behind.
c) Once, when (s)he fell asleep on it and you didn’t want to wake the beast.
d) Undergarments? What are those?
e) Every weekend bitch. Every weekend. I’m in the double digit loss-o-meter.
7) Your best friend is:
a) Your sorority sister / frat brother from Freshman year. Hey man, we “rushed” together!
b) Your pet.
c) Your right hand / the Hitachi Magic Wand is also acceptable here.
8) You have had sex in the following locations. Check all that apply.
a) Airplane at 30,000 feet.
b) On a nude beach in broad daylight.
c) At work, in someone’s office, during the prime business hour of 10:30 a.m.
d) In the bed of his/her ex. For revenge.
e) At the end of a very crowded pier at dusk.
f) On a motorcycle.
g) In a model apartment.
h) In a swimming pool of an apartment complex.
9) In the next Presidential Election you will vote for:
a) Rudy Giuliani
b) Rudy Giuliani
c) Rudy Giuliani
Scoring:
Add up the points for your answers.
1) a: 0; b: 5; c: 10
2) a: 0; b: 5; c: 10
3) a: 2; b: 0; c: 10; d: 0; e: 0; f: 8
4) a: 5; b: 10; c: 1; d: 0
5) a: 0; b: 0; c: 0; d: 0; e: 0; f: 10
6) a: 5; b: 2; c: 0; d: 4; e: 0
7) a: 0; b: 5 – unless your pets are Sammy and Thora, then you get 15 points; c: 10
8) 5 points for every item you checked.
9) 5 points for any answer.
Points:
0-25: Hurry! Breathe in a mirror and tell me if there’s fog on it! You are so boring you may as well be dead.
26-50: Why the hell did you have to pick the Blues Traveler? Come on! It’s your own fault. I can’t help you if you can’t at least try to help yourself you know.
51-80: You have some signs of promise. Continue your debauchery and check back with me in a couple months. A strict diet of alcohol, drugs, thievery and loving New York City and everything it stands for should get you on the right track.
81-100: Ooh. We should be friends. There are a couple things I may have to slap you around for, but all in all, this is a great effort.
101 + We should be best friends. What? We aren’t? What are you doing this weekend? I must hang out with you.
My Answers & the “Logic” Behind Them:
1 – C. Look, you HAVE to send tourists into the ghetto. Especially if they are assholes.
2 – C. Come on. You didn’t say that my dogs were in the house. It was kids. You can make more of those. Besides, mine will probably be brats who set the fire in the first place.
3 – C – Metallica. Obey! Your! Master! If you can’t listen to that, at least you should have picked a Brit sounding rock from a band who are really from Vegas. If you ever or still listen to the Blues Traveler, I hate you. I hated you in college, and I hate you now.
4 – B. It’s really the only way to go. Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch.
5 – No one I am friends with should ever compare themself to these vapid, useless characters who did nothing for feminism besides prove that every female blogger fancies herself a Carrie-writer, deserving of a book deal and all sorts of expensive shoes. No one is as stupid as Charlotte what’s her name. Samantha in real life would have burned off her CLIT and be HIV-positive. Miranda exists people. Go down to K Street right now and look up at all those lawyers in the offices that are still lit. She’s still working, and she would never get Steve because she’s too much of a bitch. Magda would have run off with the baby by now.
6 – I don’t leave the house without my bra and panties, but I can appreciate those who do, so some points there as well. If you let the beast fall asleep on something, then I have no points for you. You haven’t been paying attention here at Velvet in Dupont. The fine art of the strip is important. You act like you are casually tossing your clothes off in the heat of the moment, but make a mental map of where everything lands. And nothing should land in a place where it can’t be retrieved later.
7 – I tried to pick both B and C, but the damn scantron wouldn’t let me. So I did choose the dogs. It took a lot of thought though.
8 – Points maxed. I’ve done them all. You should too.
9 – Any answer is acceptable here, though I actually chose “A” because I was so excited at seeing the name shown there, that I chose it first. Kind of like the “OOH OOH PICK ME” kid in 2nd grade.
That’s all I got. Okay, my funnier material still resides on that chalkboard in the Queen of Quantity’s house.
1. c – if i’ve got to fend for myself so do they.
2. a – the kids, sorry… wish i had a better substance abuse problem.
3. c – but if you mention anything from the black album or more recent i’ll trap you under ice. (if you got the joke we need to get married)
4. a – for it’s universality (does it count if i add “-ing hell!” to the end?
5. f – who are these people you speak of..?
6. a and d – i may be metrosexual but i’m still a dude.
7. c – ahem, i may be metrosexual but i’m still a dude.
8. d, e, f, h – or close proximity of.
9. is he still a republican?
total: 80… i’ll try harder.
You dorkball 🙂
Well, at least I 1) picked Metallica and 2) am NONE of the SATC characters (thank the dear, sweet lord).
What I lack on 8 I make up for on 9….GIULIANI OH YEAH!!!!
Upstairs Neighbor – Don’t worry. You make up for the rest in sheer hotness.
Dan – you love it! Admit it!!
Luck – Sigh. Metallica. How I love them.
Scarlet – Tee hee. I’ll let you pick all three answers if you like.
On rereading my post (anally checking for spelling errors) I realize that after the sports bra I just wore to the gym (hanging on to the tata’s by a thread) I should revise my undergarments answer to be “B.”
When the purpose of your undergarments are truly for support (DD, holla) (also, such mighty feats of engineering are generally not sexy), then you do not leave them them behind. For the same reason, I don’t do that whole art of the strip thing. I look way better laying on my back in the moonlight than flinging my mighty bosom and ample ass all over the joint.
Also, though I scored low, I think that I should get extra credit for loving Metallica since 1990.
hilarious!
You’ve done all in question 8? You are my hero!
I so did not pick Blues Traveler!!
You actually spent time talking to two guys from Boston?
1) C – But only if they were unwilling to share.
2) B – I’ve always wanted to have an only child
3) F – Sorry, can’t do the Metallica. Lars is a baby.
4) B – If cunt is not available, I’ll have to go with the cock.
5) F – I’m the Carrie! I’m the Carrie! Ugh.
6) D – I only wear panties to the office, and on holidays
7) C – Mr. Wand is my best friend ever. We are practically joined at the, um….hip.
8) None of the above. Maybe I should break up with Mr. Wand. He keeps me pretty busy.
My grand total is 62, but that’s only because I’ve had too much of my sex in the bedroom. I’ll understand if it’s over between us. I learned alot from you, V.
just got Giuliani’s book “leadership”…i am voting for him for g-d…my hero.
Oh sugar I love you.
1)
I vote “D”–Convince them to have a threesome right there in the cab, and then bail as soon as possible.
2) Your house is on fire. You have two children. You can save only two things, what are they?
I’d train my kids well enough to save themselves. 🙂
3) If you could only listen to one music act for the rest of your life and it had to be from this list, you would pick:
C) Metallica–especially since they got their act back together with “St. Anger.”
4) Your favorite swear from this list is:
A) “Fuck,” of course. It’s the all-purpose poetry of the profane.
5) The character you most resemble from Sex and the City is:
F) None of the above. I’d tap Samantha like I was Gene Hackman in “The Conversation,” though, and I’ve always thought Cynthia Nixon was attractive. 🙂
6) How many times have you left one or more undergarments at the home of a one night stand, just so you could get the hell out of there?
d) Undergarments? What are those?
7) Your best friend is:
I pick “D”–Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 🙂
8) You have had sex in the following locations. Check all that apply.
d) In the bed of his/her ex. For revenge.
g) In a model apartment.
h) In a swimming pool of an apartment complex.
9) In the next Presidential Election you will vote for:
Wesley Clark. Sorry, Velvet. 🙂
This was a great idea! What a hoot your responses were. I wanna get in on the fun..so here goes
1. Drunk and attracted I would definitely try to convince them that there is more than enough of me to go around/and or give me a ride to the hotel.If that doesnt work. I’m giving them directions straight to hell.
2. No children but I couldnt let them perish even I did… but I dont think it take some time to get over wasted substances
3. Meticalla most definitely!!
4. Although I like them all..I have to admit “fuck ” and “shite are my muthafuckin favorite!
5. I dont resemble any of the S.I.T.C. girls for obvious reasons. I always thought Cynthia Nixon was a hottie!!! There is just something about those redheads!
6. Only once that I can recall. Like you I put my clothes in a neat little pile where I can easily see and get to them as I’m disrobing.
7. B My pets! I love animals especially dogs. They can do no wrong!
8.
8. b) On a nude beach in broad daylight.
Hmmmmmmm!!!! No… I I would only look/lust and drool on a nude beach in broad daylight….But I have had sex on a fun on a moonlite beach with waves crashin in the background..That was hot!
c) At work, in someones office, during the prime business hour of 10:30 a.m.
No Havent done that either… does having sex on a conference room table after hours while watching porn on the verge of being caught by the cleaning crew count?
9. I’m not political
63.
I felt “goddamnmuthafuckersonofabitch” was close enough to “Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch” to get me the full 10 points.
73?!
Wanting to save my kids screwed me over..
Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch!!!
…wait… yes, I think that adds 10 extra points.. Woot!
The only thing I can say for sure is I love to say FUCK, but other than that I think I am a retard according to this quiz. I didn’t even attempt to figure out the points.
I realize now that my ridiculous sexual exploits have thrown the curve of this quiz totally off kilter.
I got a paltry 35. #8 was what screwed me (ha!) because I had to answer none of the above. Sorry Velvet, I’m not into the public stuff.
I’m with Penny. Somebody mail me habit.
Hmm, if I’m allowed to add in my variations of “ridiculous sexual exploits” I make it into the ‘We Should Be Friends’ category, but if not, then I just have ‘Potential’ which I’m happy with in either case. After all, there can only be one Velvet – the rest are just poor imitations. 🙂
Crap, that last comment was me. Someone keeps deleting the mother f*cking c*ck s*cking piece of sh*t cookies on this comp! 😛
Hmm, does *ing one letter in each word really make it any more ‘polite’?
I’m already a friend…not sure what that says about what my score would be if I wasn’t exempt from the quiz! Thanks for the reminder…I really have to erase the board before Saturday!!
I think that there should be an alternate answer for the first question. If it’s clear that they both like me, why can’t I invite them both for a little threesome action. If I can turn a fight into a threesome, I deserve way more than 10 points.
hmmmm…..82.