Friday night around 2 a.m., I walked in the door to my house, sat down on the floor with Sammy and Thora, and cried. Sammy crawled in my lap and I asked him, “Would it really be so bad if it was just the three of us forever?”
Backing up…
Some of you sent me emails last week, after the last post, telling me that everything sounded great and to not worry about the situation with the blog being “out.” But. But. After a back and forth with a couple of you, it seems that not only did I present the most positive of lights, but I left something out that significantly changed how I felt about the present situation with one Sherlock. Sigh.
I was doing well until Wednesday last week. (Woo hoo, I made it 4 whole days without freaking out!) But as I was leaving to pick up Sweet so we could punk out our hair and hit the Poison concert, Sherlock called. He said he knew I didn’t like surprises but he got a ticket to the concert. There was some back and forth about me just wanting to go with my friend, and him saying he wouldn’t come out there unless he could hang out with me. The details are unimportant, but just know that I did not embrace this plan. When I make plans with girlfriends, I make plans with girlfriends. And I don’t bring guys along who I happen to be dating. It’s just not cool. And it felt like too much.
I got a couple text messages during the concert that were suspect due to their timing. One came at Poison’s first break. Another came with a song reference while they were playing said song. I’ve described that feeling of having the walls close in on you, and this just reminded me of that feeling. I’m not comfortable with the idea of being in a huge crowd, knowing someone is probably there looking for me. It’s eerie. That’s all I have to say about that. Eerie. For a woman who has already had a stalker, this is not a good feeling.
I didn’t post this because both he and his tip off friend are reading. And that whole idea makes me ill. But, it’s the price I pay for not being 100% anon.
When he admits he was at the concert, I just start to unravel. And, right on schedule, here we go. We have a big talk Thursday. I’m trying, I have to tell you guys, I’m trying. I had a six year relationship and the day we broke up I was ready to date. But I’ve had a couple two-monthers and they have fucking killed me. I just can’t get into all this deep talk and such. He wanted to meet up on Thursday night to get this drama infused talk out of the way. No. No, and NO. I didn’t want to do that. I just wanted to go hang with my dogs since they were neglected the night before and catch up on some sleep. We stuck with having our plans for Friday.
Friday night I left my house with an open mind. We went to eat. We played pool. We were playing darts and waiting for a table, and he was firing off some questions, then sort of put me on the spot by asking what else I wanted to know about him. I don’t view this getting to know you period as a race, and I really just ask questions as I think of them. So I, probably nastily, said, “Is this an interview?” Look, I know. I don’t have a lot of finesse when I’m feeling cornered. Which I was. I honestly just wanted to drink beer and play pool.
Let me screech ahead because this is just going on too long. Pool is over, and we head back to his place for the old “Let’s have one more drink but we both know we are going to fool around” finale to the evening.
When one person is into the other, you get the vibe. You can’t fake that feeling toward someone. It comes across in gestures and comments without much effort. Then we had a conversation that went something like this. Forgive me, the details aren’t exact, and shit, I’m sure someone will critique since they have been very busy hitting up the Velvet in Dupont blog today. Fucking annoying. Anyway, convo mode.
Me: I’m not there.
Him: I know.
There was some conversation that got us to this next exchange, but I don’t remember what it was.
Me: I couldn’t have the kind of sex with you that I would want to have if there was a relationship here.
Him: What? What does that mean? What do you want? Do you even know?
Me: Yes.
Him: What
Me: I want someone I can have sex with but not have the relationship part.
Him: That’s a brave thing to say.
Me: Yeah. I guess. Look. I am not the girl you want me to be. I just can’t be that right now.
Him: What if I said I was hesitant too?
Me: Then I think we should rewind this past week and do it all over. Because you were giving off all the signs.
Him: Ok, I guess I was.
Me: You say all the right things. You do. But I was on the noncommittal express and you pulled the bait and switch. You said you didn’t want a relationship in your profile. For 95% of women, what you are saying would be gold. But it’s just not for me.
So, we get our things together and he’s going to drive me back home. At that point I probably would have just let me walk if I were him, but whatever. So, on the ride:
Him: I think you do want a relationship.
Me: You know, last winter the man who runs DC Blogs said to me that my blog was good because it just goes and goes, and that most dating blog writers end up in a relationship and get boring. There is a reason for that Sherlock.
So he drops me off, and wants to park the car. I said no. He asked what I was going to write so he didn’t have to look. I said, “I’m going to write that I’m surprised by myself because I could have had what I thought I wanted, and I really don’t want it at all.”
That’s when I walked in and sat on the floor with Sammy and Thora and cried. Sometimes a seemingly insignificant relationship burns you so badly that you can’t stop stumbling with everyone else who comes along. I know you all will see tremendous irony in this, because I’m so honest on this blog, but, I’ve become the most guarded I’ve ever been in my life.
I finally got off the floor and went to walk the dogs. When I was outside with them, I got a text from Sherlock asking me to call him. I did, and after a couple words back and forth I said, “I’m done. I’m talked out. No more talking.” And on that, we hung up.
That’s really deep.
Anyway, I think this guy is in the wrong. He moved the goalpost on you. How is what he did differetnt from someone who lies and puts on his profile that he is looking for a relationship because he wants to get laid?
Obsession by Anemotion!
and ewww, you just stepped in a big steamy pile of ‘The Drama’ (it gets stuck in the treads and you end up having to clean it out with a twig or something)….
Look, it’s summer for goodness sake. Neither of you are allowed to start thinking about crap like this until mid September at the earliest.
Just tell him that next time.
Granted you (and I for that matter) could open yourself up a bit more to the potential of a relationship, but regardless relationships have to start at mutual paces. Sounds like hes a bit (understatement) more into it than you areand regardless of whether or not you should or shouldnt be into it more, you cant be forced to step up the pace just because hes wanting you to be where he is. I hope he sees (or if you’re reading, Sherlock, you see) quickly that when a person has resistance to a relationship, feeling like they are being pushed into something, will cause them to resist even harder. Just because you might feel right to him, doesnt mean that he needs to resolve all uncertaintiesits the uncertainties that kind of make the newness of a relationship exhilarating.
what a tool…hi im at the concert somehow that u r going to…oh weird, i am 3 rows directly behind u…who woulda thought…oh weird, it says i dont want a relationship but i do…oh weird, i dont give a shit about ur feelings, just mine…ill bet 10,000 guys would have sex w/ u and not have the relationship…u basically sound like the best girl ever…so now (even tho i understand u r upset over more than just this 1 guy) we dry up the tears, raise our chin, and understand all the things we have to offer…oh and do this over at least 2 scoops-1 pint of ur favorite ice cream…
It wouldn’t be called “life” if it wasn’t complicated. I think the whole Poison concert thing was indeed a little much. I am sure he had good intentions, specially the way you describe him. Nonetheless, if he’s read your blog, he should know that he needed to give you some space.
You’d think a brilliant detective like one Mr. Holmes could’ve picked up on that.
Whether or not you want a relationship, he should respect your need to have other friendships and to devote time to them without him. Even if he truly began in “uncomplicated” mode, he may have had a change of heart – it happens – but he should have said so plainly, and asked whether you wanted to continue. He should have been prepared to accept “no” as your answer. What he thinks you want is irrelevant. It’s what you think you want (even if you weren’t sure) that counts and he should respect that. I am so sorry to hear that you’ve had this experience. It shouldn’t happen to anyone, least of all to you who have been so honest and open about your feelings.
Oh It’s so hard to do this after you’ve been burned. But you tried and you figured something out and can be honest with yourself about it.
In due time you’ll be able to have a relationship again but in the mean time do what feels right to you and only you. Because you have to put yourself before anyone else no matter what.
Aww babe. When you told me about this on the way to the concert, I was so glad that you agree with me on the ‘not breaking plans for a man’ way of thinking. I don’t understand girls who screw over their friends for a guy, but whatever. Anyway. His pulling a surprise like that on you he probably meant to be spontaneous and fun, but I can see how it would have felt like he was boxing you in. I would have felt the same way. Also didn’t this happen after a short period of time? Something like two weeks? You had reason to be a little, ‘Whoa!’ And him reading the blog, probably not helping either I’m sure.
I agree with you on the “Surprise!! I’m meeting you out!!” Yikes. I am also very much someone who enjoys girl time and that feeling of being stifled is terrifying. I have been where you are and its scary sweetie…you so desperately want to open yourself up to someone but you just cannot at the time and you know what–fuck it–that’s OK. You go at your pace and that’s what is right…and he should respect that. No more big talks…little talks…he needs to give you space if he wants to make it work at ALL. I am so sorry sweethart. Let’s make it a double this Friday. 🙂
Reading this exhausted me. I can’t imagine having lived it.
LOL. You always attract the retards.
Girls just want a guy who can hang, not be reading all that emotional, destiny shit every minute of the day.
Kick this one to the curb, sista!
You’re like me, Velv. We just need shallow flings and endless chains of lover-of-the-week.
Spank spank!
I need more girlfriends like you. I love my gals, but they would very quickly drop me for a fella. And, as someone who always puts my girlfriends first, it’s a bit difficult to understand.
As for Sherlock…I’m gobsmacked. But I think you handled it well, and you should give yourself a pat on the back for sticking to your guns, however uncomfortable it was to do so.
“I want someone I can have sex with but not have the relationship part.”
There’s approximately a zero percent chance that this statement won’t be taken out of context.
And so begins the non-stop spamming from random internet stalkers. Your inbox is going to resemble the M4W Casual Encounters entries on craigslist. Good luck with all those digital photos of assorted phalluses.
All joking aside – – men who aren’t looking for a relationship don’t act like that. Actually, let me modify that – men who are looking for a relationship don’t even act like that, because that type of behavior (I believe it’s called “stalking”) will invariably scare a woman away. I mean, you just met him like 2 weeks ago, no? Just thinking about the events that have transpired since then is giving me a migraine. Too much, too soon. Distance yourself accordingly.
Umm, didn’t you just meet him LAST week? To his defense, Velvet is an amazing woman…how could he help not falling madly in love? He’s just probably riddled with the idea of running off into the sunset with her, that he can’t see the intensity/insanity of his actions.
Also thought I’d give you kudos for not popping the guy on the girlfriend. Even though standing her up was never an option, still throwing a guy into what was understood as a girls night is self absorbed. Of course the girlfriend’s gonna feel like a 3rd wheel to some extent, especially if you and said dude are just starting off…that’s when you’re the most flirty and paying the most attention to each other rather than the other folks (you originally made the plans with). Good on you!!
Velvet — I read your Blog and I marvel that any two people can ever make a relationship work. I never have the sense that you’re doing the wrong thing and for God’s sake you can never be called a slacker when it comes to dating. It always seems however that there is a fatal flaw, sometimes just timing. I’m practically in tears as you sit on the floor with Sammy and Thora. I so want you to find someone who has an agenda that matches yours. That would be such a nice thing.
Ninja – Damn! You’re right! It’s the opposite but still the same thing. Though in his defense, he said he didn’t know until we actually went out that he would want more.
Lucky – ooooooh. You got the song! Damn, it is summer. I know. It should be the Summer of Velvet or whatever that thing was on Seinfeld. The summer of George!
QofQ – Oh…he’s reading.
popcultured – I love your comments. You are so sweet. Now, show me these 10,000 guys who would have sex with me cause I got a lot of weeding out to do!
Raincouver – He is a damn good detective. He mentions things and I’m like, “What? How do you know that?” Combine an uncanny memory with some blog reading and well, there you go.
Bill – Funny you would say that I’ve been so honest about my feelings. I just wrote the follow up post to this one, rounding out the rest of the weekend, and I said something very similar to that. I’m still putting the final touches on it, because none of this is easy. Damn him for reading.
Red – Thank you. This dating thing ain’t easy, that’s for sure.
Sweet – I never would have canceled on you. And um…it’s only been a week. As of last night it was a week.
KK – Yes, many drinks on Friday. Many.
Chico’s Bail Bonds – From what aspect was it exhausting? Because I drone on and on and on and on and on and you still don’t get the whole story?
Johnny – You make me crack up. And, um, shallow flings? What would the fiancee say about that? Spanks to you!
FreckledK – I would never dump a girlfriend for a guy. That just isn’t my style. And girls who do it to me don’t stay in my circle of friends very long. Unreliable does not a friend make.
Aziz – So far so good baby! No emails yet. Hmm to the rest of what you said. It’s been quite a ride thus far. And it’s been a week.
QofQ – Yeah, last Sunday. 8 days if we want to get technical. Since we always talk about the ditch factor, I’m especially sensitive to it. I hate the “My boyfriend is out with his friends so you wanna do something” about as much as I hate people who cancel because their boyfriend wants their time and attention. Vomit.
Barbara – That Sammy is a good little cuddler. I’m not averse to a relationship, but I don’t want one now. I do need someone with a similar agenda, don’t I?
she’d prolly punch me in the jaw
and i’d prolly have it coming.
muhaha
keep it real yo.
Careful not to make this mean too much, Velvet. I’m a fellow who claims to want a relationship as well, yet keep breaking up with women who seem to be perfect. But they’re not, and though I want a relationship, I only want a really, really good one. If I found a true keeper, I’d fly to Vegas tomorrow and knock her up on the plane-ride out there.
My point is, be careful not to confuse a healthy selectivity (even if it’s instinctual and not intellectual) with, I don’t know, whatever it is you’re filling yourself with doubt over. While I don’t believe in Mr. or Mrs. Right, there are clearly Mr. and Mrs. Wrongs – and like bathing suits, you may have to go through a bunch of seemingly perfect ones before you find one that truly fits you just so.
He thinks he knows you because he’s read your blog etc, and therefore he doesn’t need to pay attention to what you request, or want. It’s probably his personality, I bet he’s great at studying for tests, and less good at applying knowledge.
It hits a raw nerve with me. Do what works for you Velvet.
Johnny – Ha Ha! And where’s your bro been lately??
Dan – Wow, you’re about as passive aggressive as I am. I suppose that is correct though, I can keep “dating and not wanting the relationship” until I happen upon someone with whom I want a relationship, then all bets are off. Are you moving back to CT yet?
Tacoma, Washington! – Hello!! Glad I didn’t scare you off with that whole searching for “bar sex” incident. That was really funny. Hits a raw nerve with you – why? Do you have a blog and you’re holding out on us?? 🙂
I’m too much of your fangirl to be scared away!
My blog is the lamest thing ever– just some random stuff on yahoo about wedding planning from last year. And pictures of my dogs… we have 4.
All of this stuff is historical now, but I had a pretty unhealthy relationship with my (guy) ex-roommate of like SIX years. It got in the way of any dating life to have someone who always thought he knew what I wanted (from a guy) more than I did. Jesus, let me make my own mistakes, that wasn’t our whole relationship but it was a bad aspect.
Anywho– I also hate guys that say stuff they should only say to people they’re in love with (I.E. I’m so ALIVE with you, YOU are so amazing) and they’re not. I really disliked finding out I was fuckbuddies with one of my (new) husbands oldest friends like 10 years ago.
“I had a six year relationship and the day we broke up I was ready to date. But Ive had a couple two-monthers and they have fucking killed me.” Are you reading my mind? You couldn’t have said it better. I’ve never thought I’d become jaded, but I’ve hardened, and I don’t like it, but I just don’t know if I have the energy to go through all of the emotional crap again. It almost feels like I gave everything I had for that relationship and now there’s nothing left. What I thought I wanted to badly now scares the shit out of me. I have had many a convo w/ my cat about it just being the two of us. Oh how I understand all too well.
dont take this the wrong way, because i support u and ur happiness completely…and i know u have been dating for awhile, trying to find someone special…but maybe it is good that this happened…he seemed cool and normal and then turned out not to be…better now than when u really liked him and were actually considering a relationship…it lets u know that guys r pretty much idiots and it takes a lot for us to learn (some more than others obviously)…
i hate saying this shit because i could never apply it to myself, but this is a learning process even at this stage…but what it comes down to is that u believe in urself, what u have to offer, and that u have high standards…u know this already, and i applaud that u dont stray from those principles…why should u settle for less than what u deserve or expect…maybe u will meet the “right” guy, but he doesnt necessarily have to be perfect for u…its so rare to find that i think…the “right” guy may be able to push ur buttons when u dont want him to, but at the same time, u like that he knows u that well or cares about u that much…and sometimes when u have settled down from a situation where u were frustrated and he was able to push ur buttons, u actually think about it as something that is attractive to u…like he actually knows u that well as strange as it sounds and pushes u to look at situations from all angles…when i mean u r frustrated btw, i dont necessarily mean frustrated w/ him or w/ ur relationship…it could be anything and he pushes u to face tough decisions or thoughts even when u r in a fragile state…
but, guys r idiots mostly, including myself, and we all make mistakes…granted this guy is a total idiot, but when we like someone we say and do some stupid shit…i would ditch him for good, but think of it positively, as he really liked u and it only took a week for u to cast ur velvet spell on him…otherwise, the other 10,000 r coming, and if u r lucky 50 will be normal…
Passive aggressive is just a label used by people who don’t understand us! Well, seeing as I’m suddenly single again, I am indeed looking seriously at Connecticut. Unless you wanted to come to Astoria, NY and indulge your inner Greek Goddess? I can show you around the place 🙂
Tacoma Washington! – A fan girl. Aww. Thank you!! To indulte your dog fix, I took the little shits swimming this weekend and last, and I have to get those pictures downloaded and posted. I would love to have 4 dogs!! And you’re happily married, so all worked out well. That’s good to hear. And the line, “You are so amazing” is what started my writing of this blog last year. Some moron I call BoyFace in this blog said that 100 times an hour to me. But it didn’t stop him from screwing around with other people. Idiota!
Bejeweled – Your comment reminds me of the line from a Miranda Lambert song (Kerosene.) “I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad.” I do wonder if the shorter relationships hurt us more because of their length – they are more intense maybe? No chance to get to the really bad stuff? Though that’s not true because one of my last 2 monthers was the worst relationship ever.
popcultured – I won’t take it the wrong way. I know you mean well. We share a friend in common who I think the world of, and I know she wouldn’t have spent the time with you that she did if you were a mean spirited person. 50 normal of the 10,000? Those odds seem about right.
Dan – I once almost lost a Gucci watch in Astoria! But I recovered it. There might be too much Baklava up there for me. I’m finally within sight of losing the last 5 lbs. Moving back up to NY where food is good, that would be bad. Where in CT? My parents are still up there, and I try to not go back. The thing I hate most? Stew Leonards.
My kinfolks are all in the 91 North corridor, in suburbs of Hartford and New Haven. Not sure where I may end up, but I love CT, and would love to find myself back there.
Only you, Velvet. Why in the world does this always seem to happen to you? Hrm. I’m still voting for Move to Phoenix. That way you can leave all the weirdos in DC behind. Male weirdos I mean, your girlfriends seem to be awesome.
🙂
AM
I don’t blame him for wanting more, because you are just a great gal. But the way he went about things was wrong. I don’t think he’s a bad guy and I’m not going to tear him a new asshole on here, but I think that most people who think they want something non-commital change their minds when they feel they’ve hit the jackpot.
Obviously, you didn’t feel that way about him. Sorry, Sherlock.
That said, I tend to agree with him that you want more than non-commital sex and that you do want a relationship, but the thing is this: not with this guy.
What is up with the suffocating men? Maybe some of us are just a little clausterphobic. If you ever need to gather a posse to have your back, I think you’ve got an awesome ragtag group in some of your commenters.
Again, stalker alert is up for a reason.
He seems really intense, and I am a huge fan of intensity that lasts, but JFC.
Breathing room. Man.
Come to visit. I have a top notch air mattress and the beach just waiting on my 45’s and your 8’s. Spray it on, baby, and watchem’ weep.
At least your dogs will never up and change on you. Love dogs!
Dan – My family is in the dreaded Fairfield County. A place where cars can’t move due to bumper to bumper traffic and narrow roads.
AlieMalie – I still have that Moving to Phoenix thing on my radar.
Siryn – Oh, I don’t think he’s a bad guy at all. I think he’s wonderful. And maybe you’re right about the last part.
Serena – Yes, you readers are awesome!
Playful – You laugh, but I really am coming to visit. I love NC.
Scarlet – Yup, as long as I keep giving them treats and some affection.
Sorry to hear that… it’s true though, that the sometimes shortest or seemingly insignificant things can have a huge impact. I think it’s those smaller moments that teach us more about ourselves than we can learn over a longer period, and that’s why they hit so hard.
Beautifully written though, as always.
I’m so with you: ix-nay on the insta-intimacy and presumtiveness(is that a word? it sounded right in my head). Sounds like he got outta the gate way too fast (at least it also would have been for me, personally). The bitch of it? That might work great for another chick.
I seem to have the opposite problem you do: I tend to end up with guys I’ve been friends with, it gets to be more than friends, and BOOM, hard to casually date from there. It’s *already* a relationship. Then when it blows up, lost the friendship too. {sigh}
It’s not about finding the one that ain’t crazy…it’s about finding the one that’s YOUR kinda crazy, and vice versa.
Or so I’m told.