Baby Velvet 07 Nov 2011 8:18 pm
Hit Me Baby One More Time
I had lunch with a friend the other day who is enduring the same baby-making road that I am. In the email exchange where we were setting up our plan to meet and eat, she said something to the effect of how it’s nice to just talk to someone who doesn’t say the wrong things.
Oh, the wrong thing. There are so many things on the list of “wrong” when you are enduring something as difficult as the struggle to have a baby. I’m not even sure why I say things like this out loud anymore because it will surely prompt some allegedly well-meaning person to email or call me after having read this, to make some idiotic statement that will make me seriously consider ripping off their nipples. With. My. Teeth.
After I posted something along these lines the last time, someone actually emailed me to say, “Oh, I know someone who did IVF and she miscarried twins at 5 months.” FIVE MONTHS! So you mean, getting pregnant isn’t even the real hurdle? Apparently I have to STAY pregnant? And walk on eggshells the whole time? Yeesh. Thanks for your kind words.
Someone tried to say, “She didn’t mean it maliciously.”
Um, okay, how did she mean it? Why would she say this? Why would anyone say this?
What about when a friend knows you are going through pretty intense fertility treatments and knows it didn’t work responds by saying, “You’ll try again.” You know, I can see how you may think that’s helpful, but I’m not sure that you realize that your simple solution of “trying again” isn’t as easy as supersizing my meal. “Trying again” means 2 more months of downtime and ramping up, of 40 more shots in the stomach, of countless appointments for blood, sonograms, of veins collapsing, of another $15,000, of my vagina developing acid reflux because there are so many meds in me that they are rebelling. Suddenly “You’ll try again” doesn’t seem so quick of a fix, does it?
What about the old “just relax.” People love to tell you that if you “just relax” that you’ll end up pregnant. That their friends, and friends of their friends, and their babysitter’s next door neighbor’s kid’s teacher’s cousin all just quit trying and bim bam boom. Pregnant. Because that will work for you. That diagnosis, which was free! Yes, Free! It will work for you, even though the speaker has absolutely no idea of your personal situation.
A variation of “just relax” is the “why don’t you just adopt.” Well, shit. If you were at the store and you were looking for a watermelon for something specific you were making and someone said to you, “why not get the sausage instead?” Would that make sense? No? Well then why would you tell me to adopt when the goal is to have a child with my husband? (Yes, I get that the comparison of sausage and watermelon to adopting kids is weird and possibly insensitive, but I’m trying to illustrate a point to people who seem to have no fucking concept of what they are saying. I had to dumb it down with food.)
It’s a tough road that those on the Infertility Roller Coaster have to ride. There’s nothing you can say that’s right to us other than to just smile, nod, and say that you are sorry. Or not. Act totally uninterested and we’ll get it that you don’t want to hear it. But we don’t want quick fixes, we don’t want to hear what your friend did, we don’t want to hear that we should relax, or adopt, or get a surrogate, sperm donor, do acupuncture. We also don’t want to hear what your kid did that was so stinking cute you just had to tell the whole damn world. It’s not cute to us. It’s tear-inducing.
But people don’t get it. So we suffer in silence because it somehow seems wrong to say that what is being said to us is not helpful or downright hurtful. Does it make me a bitch? Most likely. But no one else is riding in my shoes right now, so they don’t get to judge.
on 07 Nov 2011 at 9:07 pm # Carla Runs The World
You know, if you just adopt, you’ll get pregnant on your own. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, gave up, adopted, and BAM.
(Ok, don’t kill me, bad joke — but don’t tell me you haven’t heard this shit yet!)
Honestly? I’m sorry. It’s one of my fears that I spent years shedding money on birth control and then when I’m ready to pop out a baby I won’t be able to. So not only I can’t imagine how hard it is (I mean, I can, but it’s likely even much harder to live it), but I don’t wish on anyone. I just hope that after all of this work and suffering, you’ll have a little baby of your own.
on 07 Nov 2011 at 10:48 pm # Lexa
I am so sorry you are going through this. Life is really unfair sometimes.
SEE. NOT THAT HARD.
on 08 Nov 2011 at 9:18 am # Catharine
I know exactly what you’re going through. Well, maybe not exactly. I am 36 and in my third IVF cycle (married to a man who had a vasectomy 20 years ago). I have had one chemical pregnancy, and lost my twins, one at a time at 8 and 9 weeks back in August.
You’ll probably hate this, but I’m writing it anyhow. Try to let go of the anger. I’ve gotten so much healing out of the support that people have offered me - even when they say the absolutely wrong thing. The fact that so I have friends who are offering me support and kindess is so absolutely wonderful.
I wish you all of the best.
on 08 Nov 2011 at 10:51 am # Dara
One of my best friends in the world went through this for years — infertility, IVF, miscarriages, you name it. Finally, she and her husband promised that they’d give it one more try, and then if it didn’t work, they’d figure out their options.
Her twins just turned one.
I think the moral of the story is just to not lose faith.
on 08 Nov 2011 at 3:59 pm # Laurie
I love reading your blog, because I totally feel you as I have been trying to get pregnant for over four years. We have done some of the fertility stuff, but really can’t afford to continue. My husband and I have been tested and both of us are ok, so we have no reason not to get pregnant, but yet, it’s not happening. If I hear one more time, you just need to relax, I am going to scream. I was relaxed about it for the first two years, now I am not because I want to know why it is not happening…. Why not adopt and BAM! you’ll get pregnant. I thought well maybe I would be ok if I had a child who was not my biological child, and so we became foster parents, got a sweet little girl at 3 days old whom we fell head over heels for. She went back to her biological dad at 10 months, and I am still not pregnant. So when people tell me that their sister’s best friend got pregnant when they adopted, I want to just walk away from them. I feel your pain when people who have good intentions say the wrong thing.
on 08 Nov 2011 at 3:59 pm # Tyler
Hugs.
on 08 Nov 2011 at 5:59 pm # Barbara
I am greatly saddened reading this post because I was the one who told you the saga of my friend whose daughter had struggled with infertility and then miscarried twins. The other part of the story was that she now had a healthy newborn baby boy because her mother (my friend of 61 years) had acted as a surrogate for her, proving there are many paths to a happy ending.
As someone who had my own infertility issues, I would never have wanted to cause you additional anguish because wanting something and not being able to have it is devastating enough. I sincerely hope your wishes come true because children, no matter how many times they tell you they hate you, are worth it in the end.
My thoughts and prayers are with you on this journey and I apologize once again for the hurt I unintentionally inflicted.
on 09 Nov 2011 at 4:21 pm # Mary
As one of those clueless people that say the wrong things…I sincerely want to thank you for this blog posting. I literally cringed when I realized I’ve said such a thing to a friend. Never realizing the true pain she was masking with her sweet smile. My heart aches with regret. At least now, I won’t inflict that kind of pain on her again, nor anyone else.
on 26 Nov 2011 at 1:16 pm # Cameo
WOW! I have a lot of stories, chaotic dilemmas with mis-managed IVF attempts, and sleepless, childless, tear-filled nights but I have never read about someone else’s IVF journey and felt that there is actually someone else out there who has lived what I have lived and written about it with all the anger, sadness, and poignant fear that I have felt! (sorry for the run on sentence, but had to convey all that together…)
There are NO words that anyone can speak or type that can ever cover the intensity of what we feel, can never “make us feel better”, “give us support”, or give us hope. I read your Blog and laugh when I still read the comments about “keeping the faith.” My faith died after the 3rd failed IVF.
I had my tubes tied about 7 years ago thinking I would never have the chance to have a family because: I was divorced, couldn’t take birth control due to a history of blood clots, allergic to latex (no condoms), and too old to keep using DepoProvera shots at birth control due to risk of bone loss over age 35. Then I meet Mr. P, fall in love, get married but STILL say we don’t want children… until 4 years ago. No problem, just get the tubal reversed….HA - nope, “you’re too old” we were told. It would end up causing an ectopic pregnancy… Ok, so let’s do IVF. I’m not an “infertility patient” because I just had my tubes tied… HA again! You have endometriosis… DAMN! Let’s do the full court press IVF. Shots (plus the blood thinner shots I had to do since I have a history of blood clots while on birth control), ultrasounds, great stimulation of the ovaries, good eggs, 6 fertlized, 2 implanted (”oh, they are perfect class A1 embryos; there is no reason for it not to take…”). UNLESS YOU HAVE A DUMB ASS NURSE WHO CAN’T COUNT THE DAYS OF ESTROGEN AND HCG THAT YOU NEED! Round 2 - Same crap; stimulated too soon after attempt #1 and bad results. Round 3 - a different clinic (with a doc who buys a new Maserati every other year). I stimulated GREAT! follicles were growing, numbers going up. But he wanted to go out of town on MONDAY when my harvest was scheduled, so let’s take the eggs on FRIDAY - it’s only 3 days early!! Well, 3 days is a lifetime (literally) to dividing eggs in a 40 y/o…. Guess what - NONE FERTILIZED…
Round 4- Donor eggs; anonymous (until you make an appointment on the same day for both parties to pick up drugs) - HA! Donor went out of town and forgot her meds…. delay egg retrieval for 2 weeks; continue my estrogen to build endometrial lining but drop down to 2 a day. Nurse said, “I’ll let you know when you need to go back to 3 a day”. Next call I get is from said nurse who is rushing to get us in tomorrow for transfer. “Oh, I forgot to call and tell you that the donor was in last week for the retrieval.” (used frozen sperm to fertilize). Transfered 3 embryo from a young 23 y/o into me but my uterine lining wasn’t thick enough to make them implant… I WONDER WHY!!
Ok, I’m a health care provider and feel really dumb for NOT knowing the process, keeping up with the dates, meds, etc. But that’s NOT my JOB and I didn’t spend $75,000 for a bunch of lazy morons to screw up my chances of having a child and create such a sense of negativity that I don’t know if I can trust ANY of them!
So Velvet, I feel you pain, I’ve lived the lie, and I continue to question the professionalism, morality, and goals of those who claim to want to help us have a child. Looking at Shady Grove because of the Shared Risk approach but it’s a haul from Mississippi… anywhere else to turn that can be trusted?
Mr. P not into adopting (esp after 2 heart-breaking foster children last year!) and can’t afford surrogacy… hmmm. Velvet, our lives are mirrors of each other….
on 29 Nov 2011 at 1:05 pm # Lauren
Velvet,
It’s so wierd that I used to read your blog about 6 years ago- before I was married or even thinking of babies. I seem to recall you took a hiatus from writing and then i stopped reading. Now, 6 years later, married and wanting a baby, our paths cross again…unfortunatly because we are now both going through IVF. I’ve been through 2 failed cycles at Shady Grove and am thinking of moving to GWU. Perhaps you’ve had experience with them?
All the best to you!
on 05 Apr 2012 at 2:28 pm # Hmmngbrd
Velvet,
I understand what you are saying about the insensitive ignorant comments. I’ve lost friends over my infertility struggle and avoid people. To me, the comments are even worse coming from the in-laws who don’t want to believe my husband is a problem because he conceived a child 12 years ago with his ex.
I went to Shady Grove and had an awful experience. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility when I was 36 and went through 4 unsuccessful IUIs. Finally we did IVF with ICSI (because husband’s numbers were borderline) and just before I was to start the stims I took an AMH test which was considered low. However, my FSH was good and antal follicle count was good. I started stimming and had 13 follicles. They collected 10 eggs but only 4 were mature. Upon doing much research, this is where I think the doc screwed up. I think he triggered me too soon and didn’t allow the other follies to catch up. 2 fertilized and 1 fertilized abnormally (whatever that means, I still can’t find an answer). Those two were transfered. I was told the day the doc called to let me know when the transfer was that the embryos were Grade A, excellent. Even at the transfer the embryologist and doc that did the tranfer said the embryos were excellent quality. Needless to say, the IVF failed, no pregnancy. At the follow up the doc told me that he was dropping us from the Shared Risk program because there was an egg issue and we should use donor egg. I mentioned to him how he told me about my excellent quality embryos and he told me that he only said that because he didn’t want to give me bad news during the IVF cycle (so I guess the other doc and embryologist were lying too). So based on my AMH, he drew the conclusion that I had diminished ovarian reserve. Apparently my FSH and antral follicle count didn’t mean anything. To add insult to injury, he very casually starting looking up egg donors in their database that had my physical traits! We stormed out of their and never set foot in Shady Grove again.
I requested my medical records and low and behold, my embryo information wasn’t in there. Not only that on the lab for with the AMH result there is a disclaimer notice on the bottom that says that the lab test has not been approved by the FDA and the test should not be used for diagnosis. Well that’s exactly what Shady Grove doc did. He disregarded my response to stims (which I think wasn’t bad for a 37 year old), my FSH (which actually went down and I was never told) and my antral follicle count. I’m convinced he screwed up the cycle by triggering me too soon (hence the lack of mature follies) and he needed someone to blame which turned out to be my poor eggs. The more research I did on AMH, I found the test is only 70% accurate, can be affected by stress and is only to be used to determine how well you will respond to IVF stims.
If you are up for taking suggestions, read Inconceivable and The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova. Those books were my saving grace after the failed IVF and news delivered from the doc that I was just shy of menopause becuase of one lab result. Luckily, I have faith and believe in myself, not the doctors we put so much trust in.
on 01 May 2012 at 12:32 am # Dead Cow Girl
Are you praying for it? Because… maybe you aren’t praying hard enough.
…
Hahahhaa! Sorry. That was one I just heard and, well, thought I would share.Fertile people can be freakin’ idiots.
This post is 6 months old. I hope something has developed since.
~Hugs and fucking Cocktails.
on 22 May 2012 at 8:51 am # Jill
Just checking in on you. I was a loyal reader and occasional commentor and just want to make sure all is ok in Velvet land. Thinking about you!