Nothing makes me cackle like a good prank call. Well, unless it’s someone falling.

Okay, so prank calls rank a close second. In college we had a shared phone between 2 dorm rooms and we would all sit on the extensions and prank various places. Sometimes we would go through the classifieds and just call people which never proved very fruitful. In Miami, 110% of the people selling crap in the Penny Saver don’t speak English. We decided to bring it a little closer to home and prank the Fraternity Houses on campus.

There was one such house with a rather large population of frat boys from Long Island and New Jersey who really hit the jackpot in the “body hair” department. Normally I would order 10 pizzas for them with pepperoni but asked that they “not slice the pepperoni” but to “just lay the stick across the pizza.” Then I would call to the frat house and let them know in my signature psycho voice. Every time I would call with the voice you could hear them all saying, “oh no…this again?”

Pepperoni aside, my best call, according to my roommates, was this one:

Poor Schlub: ZBT House!
Me: Hi, it’s Jill.
Poor Schlub: Yeah???
Me: Someone called me from there.
Poor Schlub, to room: Did anyone call a “Jill?”
Me: Are you sure? This number came up on my caller id.
Poor Schlub: We said NO ONE called you from here, okay?
Me, cueing psycho voice: Are you sure? No one called Jill? The big Gillette Razor? I’m coming over to shave your back!!!

The advent of caller id and popularity of cell phones really put a damper on my prank calling career. It’s all well and good anyway since I’ve managed to do a massive amount of growing up since 1992. However, there is occasionally an opportunity that makes me giddy with glee.

It’s no secret that X’s ex, the Beast, is usually unleashing some sort of drama on all our lives. Her most recent stunt involved moving away, taking the kids, not telling anyone, and then threatening to take X to court when he didn’t fork over her money so she could sign up for Yoga 10 states away. She wasn’t bothered by that minor detail of kidnapping, but such is life.  When she couldn’t squeeze money out of X (he was waiting for her comments on the aforementioned kidnapping and certainly was not going to pay her to continue to commit a crime against him and their children,) she called X’s mother. (The Beast has a British accent.)

Poor X’s mother, she’s 83 years old and she really hates The Beast.  X’s mother called X in a fury and said that The Beast called her and said, “Is this a werkin numbah? I need it ta file papuhs ageenst X.” X said his mom was so upset. So I decided to have a little fun.

I called X’s mom. When she picked up, I put on my fanciest British accent and chirped, “oh helllllowh! D’ya want ta have tea and biskits with me??”


She hung up on me.

X and I were laughing so hard. Never mind that The Beast has a working class accent and the only British accent I can pull off be the fancy kind, X’s mom missed that detail. But I thought she would have known there is NO WAY The Beast would call and offer to break bread with her. I tried to call right back but she didn’t answer. I had to beg and plead into the answering machine that it was me. When she picked up she said, “You’re never going to believe who just called me!”

Oh, I’ll believe it all right. It actually took a while to convince her that it was me. I had to do the voice again to prove it. X’s mom has a great sense of humor, and anything at the expense of The Beast is hilarious to her. And me, apparently.