Chelsea Handler’s entire wardrobe is an exercise in malfunction.

Oh please let 2011 be the year Chelsea Handler hires a stylist. Wait. She probably has one. Okay, let 2011 be the year she hires a better stylist.

I should probably make a disclaimer here in that I like Chelsea. Her cutting, sarcastic humor is much needed on the comedic front, and she surely passes my celebrity litmus test question: “I’ll take famous people I would be friends with for $800 please Alex.”

Chelsea dresses like that drunk friend you inevitably had to scrape off the club’s dance floor because she spent the night doing body shots off a barback with more hair product than the entire cast of Jerseylicious. Chelsea dresses like she just fell out of a Camaro with neon lights underneath it when it stopped at the Jersey City tollbooth at 14B. Chelsea dresses like that girl you see, the morning after, trying to hail a cab with mascara streaked down her face and her underwear in her purse.

The first time Chelsea’s choice in attire assaulted my eyes was when her nightly show was in its infancy. She wore white jeans and a camisole style top which was a little too short. You could see everything through those jeans. Everything. I was sure once the powers that be saw her panty lines on camera, her wardrobe would surely endure a more rigorous editing process. Sadly, no.

Her standard lingerie top/skinny jean uniform screams trashy 19 year old who shops the clearance pages of the Victoria’s Secret Catalog.


Another disclaimer: I never got on board the skinny jean bandwagon. They don’t look good on a lot of women who wear them, and frankly, tight skinny jeans are a conduit to a nasty yeast infection. Billy Ocean may have liked his Caribbean Queen dashing by him in painted on jeans, but I’ll take my jeans boot cut please.

Maybe one in 10 times I turn on Chelsea Lately to find her wearing something decent and tasteful. The other nine times? It’s 1984 again and a Simplicity Pattern threw up inside a Units Clothing Store.


Someone call the police, she hijacked the wardrobe trailer for Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam’s “Lost in Emotion” video.


Here’s Chelsea at a live show in Vegas last summer.


(Photo: © Erik Kabik/ RETNA/

The shirt makes me sing a little tune in my head. A “Thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again” sort of tune. Shirts aren’t supposed to talk, but I’m pretty sure this one is asking “Am I in time for the early bird special?”As my eyes scrolled down, I crossed my fingers, toes and tits and thought “Please don’t let there be camel toe please don’t let there be camel toe.”

Worse. Sausages. With whiskers. Damn it Chelsea. What the fuck are you thinking?

And this. What exactly is this? I wish I had the full shot but this was enough. Was this the audition outfit for Schneider’s stand-in on “One Day at a Time?”


The other night, she wore this and it really made me weep.


It looks like she just came from the pool and that’s her bikini top underneath a towel. Or a tent. Or a tablecloth one of the moms brought to our childhood birthday parties at the Ground Round so they could dress the place up a little.

She is capable of tasteful, age appropriate dressing. I know she is. There is rare evidence of it. Come Chelsea. In 2011, let’s have a little more of this:


And a lot less of this: