Still the Same

Look how smashingly versatile I am!

In November, 2001, I went up to Connecticut for what is, up there, notoriously the best night to go out of the year: The night before Thanksgiving. Everyone is back in town, excited about being home, excited about the holiday, and excited about whatever. I went out with a bunch of friends, among the group being my lunatic ex-boyfriend, TheCop. This would be our last outing together as he proved, yet again, that being alone with me and keeping his cock inside his pants (despite the fact that his wife was lingering around,) was an impossible task.

In November, 2004, my friend Pitstop and I went to Italy for 10 days over Thanksgiving. She just said the other day, as she tried to pull her 2 year old out of a planter in front of her house, “That was the best Thanksgiving ever.” We saw the Pope, someone masturbated on me on a bus in Rome, and I found out that Popeye in Italian was the funniest thing ever. I also bought a CD from which I snagged my bridal march song 6 years later. That was one of the best trips ever.

In November, 2005, I went to my friend’s house for Thanksgiving, where I acted as his beard. His mother was very upset to find out I married someone else this past summer. I said, “Maybe it’s time to tell your mom you like to take it in the ass?”

In November, 2006, I dragged Sherlock to have Thanksgiving with my Uncles in New Jersey. Sadly, both of my Uncles have since passed away, but it’s a Thanksgiving I’m, well, thankful I had.

This past November has been the final installment in the way of the Holiday wind-down. Where my holidays were once filled with carousing around the town, or the world, now, I’m just a homebody.

X and I spent last weekend spoiling #2, as for a variety of reasons, he has somewhat fallen into the cracks. We joked at dinner about playing Scattergories, and when we got home he was pulling out the game. That kid makes me laugh so hard. When the letter was “C” and the category was “things you clean” I started laughing and said I had a great answer for that one. #2 said, “I’m going to put it too so you don’t get points for it!” I wrote “clock” because as we all know, it’s a statement to say, “I’m going to clean your clock,” which has a drastically different meaning from “cleaning one’s cock.” Well, he was totally embarrassed when he realized I changed my answer and he would have to now read the word in front of us. He opted to forego the point, despite the fact that X and I tackled him to see what he really wrote. Awesome.

Later when the category was “things you do on a rainy day” and the letter was “M” and I said “masturbate,” X told me I’m not a good influence on the kids. Oops.

It must have been the theme of the night because when the letter was “W” and the category was “things you play with,” he said, “Willy.” We just looked at him. X said, “What’s Willy?” He said, “You know, Dad, when I was little?” I said, “I’ve never heard of a friend named Willy.” He said, “No, that’s what little kids call it. The willy. You know…” I started to laugh so hard, I was willing to grant 10 points for that answer. These are not where his talents end, by the way. X and I love that Megatouch game at the bars. We play the photo hunt game where you have to find the five mistakes in the picture. That kid can spot them 20 feet away – which is helpful because he’s underage and they don’t let teenagers within 20 feet of the bars.

Then, that night we had to help him with his paper for school. My parents were pretty hands-on with school because they wanted us to get through it with the best grades possible. If we asked for help, they really dove in and helped us, they didn’t just answer from another room.   So, I dove into that paper and we did it. He had to do a presentation, but talking it out with him for a few hours while we wrote the paper really helped him deliver the speech as well. But he also had to do a commercial, damn these kids are smart. I still wouldn’t know how to do a commercial. Shit, I wanted to make a mini video of our wedding to music and I am going to have to ask the 14 year old to help me. Stupid full circle coming around to hit me in the face.

Anyway lovers, Happy Thanksgiving. We’re going to our little bungalow at the beach and we’re going to cook up a storm. Damn. Homework? Cooking? Who is this woman and what has she done with the former, slutty Velvet in Dupont? I’m like, domestic now and stuff.