Celebrity relationship news is always comical to me.  I’ve never been able to view celebrities as real, because the things they do are things that no one in real life would ever imagine doing. Here’s the most “interesting” of recent celebrity relationship news with my flip, one-liner, stock response.

Eva Longoria Parker and Tony Parker are getting divorced.

I never really got on board that Eva lovetrain. I don’t think she’s remotely attractive, and I think she looks well beyond her alleged 30-some-odd years. Anyway, to this breakup I say:

Show me the hottest woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who is sick of fucking her.

eva-and-tony

Nick Lachey announced his engagement to Milli Vanilli. Wait. Minnie Mouse. Nope. Still wrong. Vanessa Minnillo. When I look at Vanessa Minnillo I think “Hawaiian Tropic Girl, 1987.” But, I am happy for Nick. Sort of. He’s a celebrity, so he’s not really real, but still, anyone who witnessed that ridiculousness that was the marriage  to Jessica Simpleton absolutely HAS to be happy for Nick. The poor guy marries a virgin who comes with a dowry - Papa Joe Simpson. As if being in a boy band wasn’t enough torture and humiliation!  Then he had his mega-bad-decision to marry her paraded on television as we painfully watched the where do buffalo wings come from/is it chicken or is it tuna insanity. We just want him to be happy, right? So he announced his engagement November 4th to Vanessa, after 4 respectable years of dating.

Then, November 14th, a mere 10 days later, stupid Jessica Simpson announces her engagement. To a guy she barely knows! Well, she just met him 5 months ago, but still. That’s weird. Weirder that she’s trying to steal Nick’s hard earned thunder by being an attention whore. “Oh, well, I’m engaged too, to this roast beef sandwich! See! I bought myself a ring, I mean, the sandwich bought me a ring!” He and Milli Vanilli have got to be shaking their heads.  Anyway, the snap judgment here is this:

The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

jessica-simpson-engaged

On to the union of two of the most annoying people in the world: Katy Perry and Russell Brand. There really are no words. I have no idea how long this will last. It’s possible they filed for divorce already. I’m guessing the only thing they have in common, besides wretched ugliness, is their penchant for showing their boobs to anyone who can look without vomiting.

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Ugh. Those bangs. I just want to put a curtain rod behind them. And cut her vocal cords while I’m at it. That song “Teenage Dream” sounds like Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer.

Well, snap judgment.  There is a lid for every pot.

Bonus Extra: If you too think Katy Perry is the least talented squawk box to hit the scene since, well, ever, then you’ll enjoy this:

Stupid Katy Perry

Last one, Taylor Swift. GOD is there any way we can get her, Russell and Katy in a hot air balloon, and send it over the White House so it gets shot down by a sniper? I can’t stand listening to Taylor Swift’s whiny bullshit about how she walked to the mailbox and she got a letter and the letter was from Bob and Bob said he loved her, and yadda yadda yadda, and no, I did not yadda yadda over the best part because with Taylor Swift, there IS no best part. She could write a song about her dirty tampon and we’re just supposed to take it. There’s nothing we can do about her assault on our senses besides getting Sirius and leaving it permanently on Hair Nation so there’s no chance in hell that stupid trailer park nitwit ends up in our lives.

taylor-swift-jake-gyllenhaal-brunch-brooklyn

Jake? Run. Seriously. This girl will write a song about any minutia with any of her past flames, she will write something stupid about you too.

She who did it to them, she’ll do it to you too.

Okay, I think that covers the “famous people who annoy me” category. For now…

Mr. X, if I find out you are texting one of your “fans” I’ll kick your ass. Just sayin.