Velvet in Dupont and X: The Love of My Life 18 Nov 2010 1:42 am
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrrrrrrrrrrr-oh!
Celebrity relationship news is always comical to me. I’ve never been able to view celebrities as real, because the things they do are things that no one in real life would ever imagine doing. Here’s the most “interesting” of recent celebrity relationship news with my flip, one-liner, stock response.
Eva Longoria Parker and Tony Parker are getting divorced.
I never really got on board that Eva lovetrain. I don’t think she’s remotely attractive, and I think she looks well beyond her alleged 30-some-odd years. Anyway, to this breakup I say:
Show me the hottest woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who is sick of fucking her.
Nick Lachey announced his engagement to Milli Vanilli. Wait. Minnie Mouse. Nope. Still wrong. Vanessa Minnillo. When I look at Vanessa Minnillo I think “Hawaiian Tropic Girl, 1987.” But, I am happy for Nick. Sort of. He’s a celebrity, so he’s not really real, but still, anyone who witnessed that ridiculousness that was the marriage to Jessica Simpleton absolutely HAS to be happy for Nick. The poor guy marries a virgin who comes with a dowry - Papa Joe Simpson. As if being in a boy band wasn’t enough torture and humiliation! Then he had his mega-bad-decision to marry her paraded on television as we painfully watched the where do buffalo wings come from/is it chicken or is it tuna insanity. We just want him to be happy, right? So he announced his engagement November 4th to Vanessa, after 4 respectable years of dating.
Then, November 14th, a mere 10 days later, stupid Jessica Simpson announces her engagement. To a guy she barely knows! Well, she just met him 5 months ago, but still. That’s weird. Weirder that she’s trying to steal Nick’s hard earned thunder by being an attention whore. “Oh, well, I’m engaged too, to this roast beef sandwich! See! I bought myself a ring, I mean, the sandwich bought me a ring!” He and Milli Vanilli have got to be shaking their heads. Anyway, the snap judgment here is this:
The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
On to the union of two of the most annoying people in the world: Katy Perry and Russell Brand. There really are no words. I have no idea how long this will last. It’s possible they filed for divorce already. I’m guessing the only thing they have in common, besides wretched ugliness, is their penchant for showing their boobs to anyone who can look without vomiting.
Ugh. Those bangs. I just want to put a curtain rod behind them. And cut her vocal cords while I’m at it. That song “Teenage Dream” sounds like Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer.
Well, snap judgment. There is a lid for every pot.
Bonus Extra: If you too think Katy Perry is the least talented squawk box to hit the scene since, well, ever, then you’ll enjoy this:
Last one, Taylor Swift. GOD is there any way we can get her, Russell and Katy in a hot air balloon, and send it over the White House so it gets shot down by a sniper? I can’t stand listening to Taylor Swift’s whiny bullshit about how she walked to the mailbox and she got a letter and the letter was from Bob and Bob said he loved her, and yadda yadda yadda, and no, I did not yadda yadda over the best part because with Taylor Swift, there IS no best part. She could write a song about her dirty tampon and we’re just supposed to take it. There’s nothing we can do about her assault on our senses besides getting Sirius and leaving it permanently on Hair Nation so there’s no chance in hell that stupid trailer park nitwit ends up in our lives.
Jake? Run. Seriously. This girl will write a song about any minutia with any of her past flames, she will write something stupid about you too.
She who did it to them, she’ll do it to you too.
Okay, I think that covers the “famous people who annoy me” category. For now…
Mr. X, if I find out you are texting one of your “fans” I’ll kick your ass. Just sayin.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 3:27 am # Pook
I love this assessment of these couples! Here is a video of Taylor Swift looking surprised - all 573 moments: http://www.popeater.com/2010/11/17/taylor-swift-shocked/?ncid=webmail
on 18 Nov 2010 at 10:21 am # Johnny_DC
Is this the song by chicago?
^_^
on 18 Nov 2010 at 1:33 pm # Lexa
I actually really love Russell Brand. He dresses pretty cornily, but his standup/humor is actually right up my ally.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 1:40 pm # Siryn
No, that’s not the song by Chicago.
lol, V. Tell us how you really feel…
I don’t care for Vanessa Minnillo since I am barely aware that she exists, but I’m happy for Nick Lachey. As for Jessica Simpson… yeah, right. Very immature. Score +1 to Nick in the PR war.
As for the others… jeez. I’m glad that the only radio I listen to lately is WTOP.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 2:40 pm # Cyndy
That song was done by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.
I’m so out of it these days. Even though I’ve heard of all those people, I don’t know what any of them are famous for. Except for Jake. I guess that’s what I get for being without a TV for the past five years.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 4:16 pm # Siryn
That song has been done a bazillion times over (exaggeration) but it was first sung by The Shirelles in 1960 - the first song to reach #1 by an all-girl group. The original songwriter, Carole King, didn’t release a version until 1971. Franki Valli recorded and released in 1968. Wikipedia for the win.
I only looked it up because I only think of it with a woman’s voice. The original, or the very understated version by Roberta Flack.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 6:28 pm # Cyndy
I totally forgot about all that, and I even used to listen to it all the time on Carole King’s Tapestry album. I’m going to have to go looking for the Roberta Flack version. It’s probably wonderful, but I’ve never heard it that I can recall. Thanks for the refresher! I think the Frankie Valli version was the first version I ever heard, so that’s what stuck.
on 18 Nov 2010 at 7:37 pm # Velvet
Pook - I loved that montage. Man is she annoying.
Johnny - Nope, was thinking more of the Shirelles! You’re thinking of “Love me t’MORROW”
Lexa - Hi! Nice to see you back!! I only saw him on Chelsea Lately one night but I think he was drunk. Then I saw him in the Forgetting Sarah Marshall movie, and uh….yeah….he did a good job in his part, but man is he weird.
Siryn - You aren’t missing much. When I hear Taylor Swift come on the radio, I want to drive my car off a bridge.
Cyndy - Aah, Jake. go see the movie then, he was good in that! You’re not missing much by not watching tv. Ugh. But we have a bunch of extra tv’s over here if you want one…
on 18 Nov 2010 at 8:11 pm # rachelle
Aahhhh, this is SO spot on, I hate all of these people! Except Eva Longoria, I guess, only because I had pretty much forgotten about her until yesterday. Taylor Swift is my biggest pet peeve in life. Jessica Simpson is close behind but I find her general ridiculousness and increasing weight almost comical at this point.
on 19 Nov 2010 at 2:43 pm # Siryn
I stopped watching Desperate Housewives a while back, I think it was around the time that Bree covered up the hit and run for her kid. Or some other scandal. I dunno. I was tempted to start watching again when I heard Brian Austin Green was going to be on it. He totally redeemed himself with his performance in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. But I couldn’t be arsed to do it.
Cyndy - get Softly With These Songs, it is a very nice collection of Roberta Flack’s greatest hits.