It’s no secret that we’re suffering a bit of a crime wave here in the city. In addition to the dramatic rise in car breakins in Dupont, we now have a Spiderman-Burglar on the loose. The criminal(s) have been getting on to rooftops and breaking in by climbing through roof access or skylights.

A couple weeks ago, I came home to find most of my neighborhood cordoned off. I heard through the neighborhood grapevine that Spidey had struck again, this time breaking through a skylight on Corcoran and New Hampshire. The cops, typically a day late and several dollars short, were giving their report to the news teams who had showed up to cover this “breaking news.”

My neighbor told me after his car was broken into that he had a witness who called the cops and they were “within 30 seconds of catching him.” Sure. I believe you. Where’s that powdered donut? Anyway, apparently the cops have been promised that anyone who gets this guy will get a full day off with pay. As if their job isn’t cushy enough. Please. I spit my bailout tax dollars all over that bullshit.

So now I’ve noticed something. Cop cars parked all over the place. At the corners of several blocks in Dupont. The cars? Unoccupied. Yes yes, can you imagine being at that planning meeting?

“Let’s increase the perceived police presence in Dupont. We’ll call this new initiative PPP. Perceived Police Presence. Got it? We’ll synchronize our watches and park all our cruisers at the corners of every block. That should do it without having to work very hard.”

“Uh…Captain? What were those letters again? Three P’s? Is that a new bar? Do they have donuts there?”

Do you morons think this criminal is stupid? He’s been evading you for months and you think a handful of unmanned cars are going to throw him off? Even me, a mostly law-abiding but sometime Stop Sign roller has it figured out. I bet Spidey could break into one of these empty cruisers, eat a dozen donuts inside and you all wouldn’t even know your car was broken into. But you would know the exact variety of donut he ate, I’m sure.