Month: December 2008

And How Did YOU Celebrate the Birth of Baby Jesus?

Monday, December 29, 2008 / Velvet / 12 Comments

Obviously, I have become the major suckage at posting. I can’t even promise to try to be better. I don’t wanna. While blogging in general will never jump the shark, my own blog experience has probably lamed itself out so much so that it’s like one of those feeder fish swimming along the shark that has just been jumped. So, I feel that I’m in the homestretch. I’ll try to go out strong. And by going out strong, I mean, I’ll finish up all my drafts and prepare them for public consumption.

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Mr. X: Baby? What was that video with the Grape Stomper we used to watch at work and laugh for hours over?

Velvet: Um, that thing they had on DC 101 that happened in Atlanta. Hold on. I’ll check Youtube.

I think that happened 11 years ago, though it just hit my radar in 2004.

We laughed for 10 minutes. Until I realized that there was a “related” video in the sidebar. So I clicked it.

HOW ON EARTH DID WE MISS THAT? Though to our credit, it did just air in November.

Best. Clip. Ever.

Stuck On a Rollercoaster, Can’t Get Off This Ride

Friday, December 12, 2008 / Velvet / 11 Comments

On the flip side, you just can’t pay for entertainment this good.

At the company “holiday party:”
“Let us bow our heads and pray.” Um. what? I looked around the room to the mostly bowed heads thinking, “Am I in a cult?” I looked to either side, flanked by two Jews and a Pakistani, myself mostly an Atheist except for my belief in fate. We kept looking at each other and giggling. Did no one in that room besides us think that was just wholly inappropriate for work? This is what I get for working in Virginia.

On an Email from I.T. this morning:
“Whoever spilled sugar in the Xerox machine, please be more careful next time.”

On a mass Email from someone I don’t know to our entire company, a month after I first started:
“Blah blah blah, Betty’s daughter’s cousin’s nephew’s babysitter’s mailman has the cancer and needs bone marrow. Please reply and let me know if you can donate.”

In the Office Next to me, said to a Coworker:
“Do you think it’s wrong to clip your nails in the office? This one (points at me) says it’s wrong.” Said coworker, my friend D, replies in disgust, as do several other coworkers. I walked D down the hall and said, “So now you know why I begged you to come work here. It was my goal to surround myself with people who are not idiots. I’m not sure if I’ll make it though.” I’m going to start getting my Brazilians done at the office.

Blow Out the Candle, I Will Burn Again Tomorrow

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 / Velvet / 8 Comments

Well, it’s official. I tried to hold out. I tried to fake it. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. I tried to reason with people and explain that the things they do seriously impede my progress in achieving their goals. I emailed an outline for how to make minor corrections to change everything. No response. I emailed again. No response again. I plead for everyone to get software training and to stop coming to me. I beg people to write things down when I teach them how to do something mega-complicated like insert a row and hide a column on Excel. I ask why everyone comes to me and why everything gets dumped on me. I also ask why I am suddenly responsible for a software I have no training on, and I’m not in IT. I’m in fucking Finance. Crickets.

I. Hate. My. Fucking. Job.

Tomorrow I get to go listen to my boss give a speech that I wrote. A speech that talks about how far we’ve come, blah blah blah.

What a fucking joke. I wonder if it can even be read with a straight face.

What I plan to do is convert myself from one of competence to incompetence. I plan to watch several deadlines come and go and to not have the work done. I can’t wait for the clients to start complaining about wonder-child who can do no wrong, Velvet. I cannot wait. Then, perhaps, someone will listen.

If this economy was any better at all, I would be so out of there. This will be the place where I probably walk, and not give any notice at all.

That will be fun.

Slip of the Tongue

Friday, December 5, 2008 / Velvet / 16 Comments

In more shopping news, Mr. X and I hit the “As Seen on TV” store in the always-deserted Georgetown Park Mall. If there is one two things you can count on in DC, it’s that tourists will always fuck up your day and if you go shopping in the Georgetown Park Mall, you will most likely be the only one there.

Mr. X decided to take advantage of the fact that no one was around. He picked up a “massager” from the shelf of the “As Seen on TV” store and put it against my trapper keeper. For a brief moment, I felt sheer ecstasy vibrating through my body.

Me: We must buy that!
Mr. X: You felt that through your jeans?
Me: {smile}

I was so happy that I would be able to “one-up” our girl FreckledK with her high marks for the Hitachi Magic Wand. However, I pass this on to you with a disclaimer:

If you are going to use this:

Make sure you are wearing something thick. Like snowpants.