Velvet in Dupont 20 Feb 2008 7:13 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Making Our Initial Descent Into the White Trash Airport
Well, I’m sort of pissed off at you guys. Yes, all of you.
If you are going to do something, for everyone’s sake, do it right.
Exactly ten years ago, I started waxing what was then, a closely cropped bush. When I learned of a place that actually, gasp, did the elusive Brazilian, I ran off in search of the eternal four weeks of hair free bliss. Back then, there were very few places who did this. Maybe a handful in the country. I was well before the trend on living life pube-free.
The first time I went for a Brazilian, she tried to leave a “Landing Strip.” Oh, hells no Kotobuki, you’re taking all that hair off and you’re taking it off now. She protested, I gave her $20 and she finally saw fit to wax it all. There’s nothing like throwing money at a Vietnamese nail tech to help her change her mind. (Sorry, was that insensitive? Well, suck it! I’m telling a story!) It took several years for this trend to come full swing and it was clearly MY bitching at various salons up and down the eastern seaboard helped push this trend along. You’re welcome. And thank Cube too, cause she was doing it also.
Now. I’ve noticed something that disturbs me quite a bit. I think that right now it is just a west coast trend. But I’m seeing it everywhere. Avert your eyes if you scare easily.
What is this? A backlash to the Brazilian? Let’s take a closer, grainier look.
All right. I have a few questions. When a guy with a landing strip is eating out a girl with a landing strip, what happens? Are there sparks? Is it like rubbing two sticks together? Will there be a fire? Can I rub my hands in front of it because it’s cold outside!! Wait, I got a little carried away with that last one.
This is the part where I explain why I’m mad at you all. CUBE and I started working on salons country-wide over ten years ago to make sure you all could one day enjoy the Brazilian Bikini Wax. And yes, I mean “you all.” A Brazilian is just as much for the girls as it is for the guys. So our work was done and she went on a trip and I took a tiny break to have a little sex and look for a new job and we left you all to watch the store. And what did you do? Most of you fell asleep and at least two of you were smoking pot in the back alley cause I can still smell it, (!!) and now this landing strip for men is suddenly spreading like the wave from L.A. to the east coast.
Put your foot down people. Make it stop at the Mississippi. Do not allow it to penetrate our turf! (Heh. I said “penetrate.”) By my calculations, I66 is the furthest west, so we need you to saddle up boy. Patsy is on the other side of the Mississippi but Texas and trends don’t go in the same sentence, much less the same state, so while my money would be on her to stop this shit, she won’t have a chance to intercept it. Fight the guy’s landing strip. Fight it.
Thank you. That is all.
*For more examples of “male landing strips,” please watch The Millionaire Matchmaker and check out, oh, any of her clients.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 7:41 pm # I-66
Okay.
A of all, what the fuck do I know about facial hair? I’m 27 and I can’t grow a full beard. I blame it on my partial asianity. A positive byproduct of this is that it would make it impossible for me to grow one of those ugly things, and it also means I don’t often keep a lot of facial hair.
B of all, certainly there are some readers in Frederick, MD or some shit. Besides, what’s my motivation?
on 20 Feb 2008 at 7:48 pm # kerrie
Hey! I went to your lady, on your recommendation. She completely molested me, in the very same way she did you. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
Still, I’m going back next weekend. Nothing like forced masturbation and the declaration that I am now “smooove like a Hawwywood movie staaaah” to make a girl brave hot wax and awkward tantric poses.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 8:04 pm # Velvet
I66 - Listen. You like to jump on a cause and see it through. You think I can trust some redneck from Fredneck to champion this cause when they have collard greens boiling over and a trailer that needs another cinder block under it to right it up?
Kerrie - Yeah, and? I did you a favor and you know it! Besides, I heard you went to the bar and got a couple pints when you were supposed to be watching the place!
on 20 Feb 2008 at 8:30 pm # Muskego Jeff
That gives me one more style to try. Two weeks ago the goatee I’ve had for the past decade finally met the razor. Now, just to screw with my co-workers I’m growing it back without the mustache. I think the Amish look is going to be “in” this year! I might go with the fu-man-chu in there as well after it grows in again. Or the huge pork-chop sideburns… I can grow facial hair like nobody’s fucking business.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 8:30 pm # I-66
Okay, we all know that Kerrie liked being molested.
And Velvet, I need an enforcer. Someone to stand around, wear sunglasses, and threaten to beat someone up if they don’t heed my warnings.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 8:40 pm # F
(I was asked to change my name for the sake of anonymity)
My advice to you is save yourself the trouble and buy the pro kit–the warmer and everything–and teach a friend to do it for you. If you don’t care about her seeing your vag then you end up paying about 100 bucks for 20+ waxes. I do it for a few of my friends, and I taught my Black Market Wholesaler how to do it. He keeps threatening to open up a shop out of the back of our house.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 8:54 pm # Washington Cube
Obviously I have to put my two cents worth in. Give me a few, and I’ll be back.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 9:12 pm # I-66
F - that isn’t a very good costume you’re wearing.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 9:13 pm # Red
I saw that landing strip on Millionaire Matchmaker and thank gawd she got him to shave it.
The dudes who have that landing strip probably wear Drakkar too.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 9:37 pm # lemmonex
This could not be timed better. I was watching “Millionaire Matchmaker” this weekend and found myself thinking the exact same thing. If I can subject myself to hot wax and a chatty woman who overshares information about her personal life when I am at my most vulnerable, these fuckers can shave their WHOLE god damned face.
PS: at my place, there is a mirror across the wall from you. WTF. I am paying someone else to look at that; I really do not need to see little Lemmonex being maimed.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 9:47 pm # rothko
Am I the only one here who wishes he had been sexually active during the 70’s? Back when wax was something you spun, and there were no “landing strips,” just landing jungles, baby.
On a related note, I discovered recently that when there’s something rubbing against an area of your body regularly and repeatedly, it will do a pretty effective job of removing hair. Given that, I guess I’m kind of surprised you would need a Brazilian, Velvet.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 10:55 pm # Dara
Ugh. Every time I see one of these doofuses with the stupid facial hair, I want to punch any and all girls that date him. Because they’re just encouraging the behavior, and that’s really the problem.
on 20 Feb 2008 at 10:58 pm # Uncle Keith
I promise no landing strip on my face…I mean I promise that I will not grow a landing strip on my face…I can’t promise I’ll never have a landing strip on my face…You know what I mean…Is it wrong if I like bush?…I’m old school…I like bush?…I’m sorry…I’ll shut up now.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:22 am # jordanbaker
This is like this decade’s version of the soul patch. I would say that I hope it’s shorter lived, but less face it–douchey facial hair:guys::tramp stamp:girls. It’s a pretty sure indicator of the sort of person wearing it.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:37 am # Velvet
Muskego Jeff - Have you seen that poster of beard styles? You should probably keep it in your bathroom for inspiration.
I66 - I think we can arrange some muscle for you. Let me give it some thought though. Right now all I can offer is a can of mace which would be a huge sacrifice for me considering you’ve seen the neighborhood in which I (and maybe you) work.
F, formerly E - That’s a bad name change, but hilarious nonetheless. I actually have waxed so long that I don’t have a lot of growth anymore. I sort of look like a cancer patient. So I do it myself. And I wouldn’t want some chick crawling around my cooch anymore than I would want to do it to her. Wow. The things I learn about you though…
Cube - We’re waiting…
Red - OMG DRAKKAR!! I forgot about that. All my high school boyfriends wore Drakkar. Well, except for the mechanic. He wore eau de motor oil. And another question for you follows below.
Lemmonex - I really don’t understand it at all. And there were a couple guys on there with it, the aging rock star and the guy Lonnie who was a total dick to the girls. Lonnie, a.k.a. I own many restaurants and a.k.a. when I’m googled “Lonnie Moore” you’ll see I’m accused of rape and my response was “Well, she was hot.” Yeah. That Lonnie.
Red & Lemmonex - Help me with something. How old is that tranny crazy matchmaker? And why does she wear leggings and babydoll dresses? And why does no one put two and two together as in: If she can’t dress herself and she isn’t married herself, what makes her an authority on matchmaking??? I read that she graduated from my college in the mid 90’s. Hmm. I, too, graduated in the mid 90’s and don’t remember her. And I also find it hard to believe she’s 34 or 35. Really hard.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:39 am # E
Rothko, I’d just like to point out that biologically, palms and penises are typically hairless and have nothing to do with your empirical example of constantly rubbing them against each other.
Personally, I’m surprised that you waited that long to wax your twat, Velvet. I would’ve expected you to be hairless at 15. I just recently waxed it ALL off and it looks weird. I want my Hitler-stache back.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:46 am # Velvet
Rothko - Not only wasn’t I sexually active in the 70’s, I missed the 80’s too. Though, I think that women sans bush is much better than with. Also, for the whole smell-factor. What? I’m being honest. the point of hair is to trap scent and yikes. There’s a scent I don’t want to bottle. Now for your issue with your thigh, you’ve seen those guys who wear trouser socks over and over for years and they have no hair for the last 1/3 of their lower leg, right?
Dara - Have you seen it locally? I’m skeerd.
Uncle Keith - I laughed so hard at this.
Jordan Baker - It’s going to be a painful rise to the top of this and a happy crash to the bottom. Sort of like in the mid 90’s when all the guys were greasing up their hair and combing it forward on their foreheads. Ickkkk…that was NEVER hot.
E - You forget, I’m 12 years older than you. So what I would be doing at 15 would make you, eek, 3!!! I don’t even know what waxing was like back then. Shit, at 22 I could barely trust anyone with my eyebrows, I’m not sure what would have happened if I tried at 15. I did try it at home once when I was 22. It was a colossal disaster.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:50 am # E
Do cancer patients lose their vag hair, since the rest of their hair is gone? Also, the simile leaves me wondering about the taste of a cancer patient, which isn’t somewhere I’d particularly like to go first thing in the morning.
I watched that episode of Millionaire Matchmaker and have decided that the tranny is a poor-man’s Chyna.
http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c311/friedmak33/chyna-talk-060700-02.jpg
on 21 Feb 2008 at 9:10 am # sixesandsevens
I didn’t read all of these comments because I am so damn busy but here is what I have to say…
I look at it like Mahjong tiles. If only we could get pantiless Britney/Lindsey to sit on that guy’s face and see if they match!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 9:21 am # homeimprovementninja
Yeah, I’ve seen that douche-stache on left coasters, which is why I think Los Angeles should be nuked.
About that show…
1) she is so annoying (and low class) that I don’t know why anyone would do business with her (”I’m sorry you’re mom is in the hospital, hopefully she didn’t take a turn for the worse…but I need you to send a check to me because even when your parents are dying I’m still a greedy bitch”)
2) She’s giving millionaires advice on how to dress? If the women sought out that agency because they are looking for rich guys, you don’t have to do much. They are looking at your bank account, not your effing shoes.
3) Of course she’s still single. She’s not even attractive for DC, in LA she’s a dog…with a bad attitude.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 10:18 am # lemmonex
I swear I heard her say she was 40 at some point. There is NO way she is mid thirties. She dresses for shit, though I will say, her hair is quite glossy. I generally tend to have hair envy.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 10:35 am # Patsy
Hey! Don’t be lumping all of that redneck bullshit into my tiny neck of the woods! I am landing strip free and proud of it, because there’s no way I’m birthing a kid with a vag-fro going on down there. I found a place that does the best brazillian ever, and for only $40. Score!!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 10:58 am # Velvet
E - Tranny matchmaker WISHES she had a muscle in her body like Chyna. I can’t tell you about smells, I’m hetero and proud.
Sixes - Funny you would say that…the pic is Adnan. Brit’s new bf.
Ninja - I KNOW! If someone called me when one of my parents was in the hospital, I’d be all, “Bitch! Get off my phone!” She does have a bad attitude.
Lemmonex - Did you see where she told any girl with curly hair to get thermal reconditioning? Is she for real? Is this the same thermal reconditioning which makes people’s hair fall out after a couple years? Wow. Just, wow.
Patsy - Did you have to draw a diagram on how you wanted your pubes waxed? Huh. I pay $45 I think. I don’t know. I go so rarely now. But that bitch is faaast.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 12:05 pm # sixesandsevens
Oh then maybe Brit wears a mirkin and it just rubbed off on adnan’s face during a little munch lunch.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 1:17 pm # Velvet
You are the second person in my life to know what a merkin is. Great.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 1:57 pm # sixesandsevens
of course I know. In fact I think I learned about it one night with Patsy when were over at Free’s. As I recall there was a conversation about a friend of his whose last name is MERKIN! can you BELIEVE IT!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 2:37 pm # Velvet
You are a dirty dirty whore. No. You really are.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 2:38 pm # achy
There is a relation between waxing, shaving and the merkin. So HOT!
“A merkin is a pubic wig, originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a merkin, although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum.”
Thank you Wikipedia.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 3:30 pm # Velvet
And there chimes in the first person in my life to know what a merkin is. What would you do if I showed up at your house one day with a merkin?
on 21 Feb 2008 at 4:20 pm # achy
Merkin Muffley? That would be fantastic. Merkin and Muff separately would be much better.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 4:31 pm # sixesandsevens
apparently back in the day Playboy used merkins too. Or so I hear.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 4:39 pm # Washington Cube
I’m back and ready to pay lip service (pun intended) to this piece. The look is soul patch gone south and needs it’s own name: lipstache? muffabator? And is it true there are 27 words in Albanian for moustache?
madh bushy moustache
holl thin moustache
varur drooping moustache
fshes long broom-like drooping moustache with bristly hairs
dirs ur newly sprouted moustache (of an adolescent)
I’ve dropped this woman’s info on someone’s blog before (here?), but again,
For Superior Waxing:
Maria Duquette
Brazilian Wax Center of D.C.
1146 19th Street
Washington, D.C. 20036
Phone: 202-775-1999
Her direct line: 202-223-2089
{Not to be indiscreet, but she has a male client who drives from Pennsylvania to get his entire body done.}
Maria is wise in using a high grade wax, and that is one of the keys to a reduced “ouch” factor..that and skill.
I always thought the best wax out there (and still to my mind) is by the J. Sisters out of New York. The ones where Gwynie Paltrow signed an 8×10 saying “You changed my life.” You can get their wax online via:
http://www.jsisters.com/English/MainPageFramed.htm
Now let me go check to see what you can buy locally at a beauty supply house. One of your commenters earlier recommending doing it yourself, or with a friend. I wouldn’t. Doing the pubic area is a two person operation, but to be really thorough, you need to spread and contort and rip at the most sensitive skin on your body (armpits hurt like hell too), so I would really stick with the pro’s on this one. However, if you do buy your own supplies, you will need 1) heating pot for the wax (around $25-30), 2)muslin strips bought bulk..not that much, 3) a pot of wax (Depileve Essential Oil Lavender Resin is what I use at home for smaller areas…no ouch), 4) the wooden spatula sticks to apply the wax and the removers and creams: 5) GiGi Wax Off: wax remover for the skin (you WILL need this), and 6) GiGi Sure Clean (all purpose surface cleaner).
Velvet? Girl? You just give and give and give back to this community, doncha? I swear the D.C. Chamber of Commerce and Kiwanis and Scottish Rites Temple and BBB should be handing out awards on this blog for your educating the D.C. populace. Get your theology degree out of the back of an issue of Rolling Stone,; and incorporate into the Church of What’s Happenin’ Now.
I’ll have to invent a Merkin cocktail in your honor.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 4:41 pm # Washington Cube
and I coughed while typing html and look what happened. HA. I’m leaving it.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 4:50 pm # sixesandsevens
{Not to be indiscreet, but she has a male client who drives from Pennsylvania to get his entire body done.}
I MUST KNOW WHO THIS CLIENT IS ASAP!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 5:14 pm # Velvet
Achy - I think the fever has hit your brain. Perhaps I need to come over and give you another of my award-winning blowjobs. I’m not sure who dispenses these awards.
Sixes - I like when Holly on the Girls Next Door ripped all the “full bush” pics off the walls in the office.
Cube - While googling for pics, I found out they do call this several things, none of which I like: Male landing strip and soul patch among them. You had emailed me her info at one point. I should try her. It gets old going to the same lady and having her have a conversation with you which you don’t understand for the better part of 20 minutes, then having her grab your hand and make you feel yourself. Yeah, not so much. I do the waxing myself inbetween major work. Though now, there’s not much hair left so it’s sort of useless to go get waxed when there’s just some sprouts of it. I dunno though. Ask Achy. He’s the one doing quality control inspections.
Yes, I DO GIVE, and what do these people do Cube? They left the store unmanned! Please invent the merkin cocktail.
And finally, you temptress, you will not change my font with your non-closed html tags! I fixed it! HA!
Sixes and Sevens - HAHAHAHAHA! I’d like to know too, since that town you live in looks like it hasn’t seen the 1990’s yet, much less the new century. I can’t imagine who that person is. But you can bet he’s the town’s urban legend. “Y’all hear hillbilly Ricky goes to get all his hair ripped out by some torture loving dominatrix in dat dere big city?” “What big city? Frederick?” “No, da real big city!”
on 21 Feb 2008 at 5:18 pm # I-66
Fucking shit.
I leave these comments unattended for a day and it’s out of control. I am acquiring Chick Magnet for the weekend later tonight. I am wondering whether she can be trained to attack men with this facial hair and claw or bite it off.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 5:39 pm # Washington Cube
Oh crap, Dad is back watching comments. And he’s got a dog. Cute one, too.
I have to create a sidecar with lemon wheels (don’t ask), photograph it, and get this thing blogged by tomorrow. You girls have a great weekend. 66? Be a good kid.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 5:51 pm # Uncle Keith
Scientists have been warning us that global deforestation will lead to more global warming.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 6:01 pm # wildbill
Check out:
mustachesofthenineteenthcentury.blogspot.com
I have a ’stache but FD policy made me shave the beard years’ ago. I think the landing strips would stick together like Velcro, which would be cool. I’d never have one though-too wierd.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 6:27 pm # F
I don’t do it myself, but after seeing it done to me 20+ times, I got ambitious and bought all the shit they use–warmer, muslin, etc–and taught my boyfriend how to do it for me. Definitely makes for interesting conversation when I’m lying on my stomach, spreading my ass cheeks. One thing you might wanna do (if the Hawwywood Waxing Sawwon doesn’t do it) is dust yourself with baby powder to absorb any sweat, which is one of the reasons why we get ingrown hairs.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 7:10 pm # Velvet
I66 - Train her to claw it off. Biting puts them out of their misery too fast.
Cube - I found pics of a cocktail, a merkin and sunglasses. I also wanted a mustache for the merkin. I was going to photoshop a picture of the merkin drinking the cocktail but it’s too hard.
Uncle Keith - Mmmm…deforestation…
Wild Bill - So you can have a ’stache but not a beard? Huh. That’s odd.
“F” - Also known as EEEEEE - Yes, I got the baby powder down, and I’m good friend with the wax removal cream. So are my bathroom floor tiles…once I scrubbed the floor with just the wax remover. What a difference it made!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 7:39 pm # achy
ViD - take F’s advice. Teach, lay on stomach, spread.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 7:51 pm # Velvet
I am NOT letting you wax me. NO!!!
and to “E” masquerading as “F,” you keep your fancy ideas to yourself!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:05 pm # E
Stop outing me, you cancer-patient-merkin-wearing cunt! Heh.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:13 pm # Washington Cube
Great…coochie wax remover cream and leaves your bathroom floor sparkling clean. Only on this blog, folks.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 8:15 pm # Washington Cube
Oh yeah..while I’m at it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7FjoIMAn80
Saw her on Def Jam. Love her. Check out her other stuff about dating men out of prison and going to the Slawson Swap meet in South Central L.A.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 9:36 pm # I-66
Chick Magnet says she’s not doing any hair removal unless she talks with her agent first. She’s such a diva.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 10:45 pm # Velvet
OMG, Cube, I’m crying. “My uterus is on that paper! How am I gonna get child support now??”
E Slash F - You need to delete your URL if you want to really be anonymous. Christ. Young’ins.
66 - Tell that bitch dog we need her services!!!
on 21 Feb 2008 at 11:43 pm # I-66
She’s trying to bargain. She wants to sleep on my bed and for me to sleep on the floor. I have my limits.
on 21 Feb 2008 at 11:45 pm # I-66
and by the way, ‘vet, that’s what I meant when I said “F - that isn’t a very good costume you’re wearing.”
Christ indeed.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 12:30 am # Washington Cube
You let that baby sleep on the bed. What’s wrong with you. Shame on you. Of course she can sleep on the bed.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 5:55 am # wildbill
Yeah,it is weird,but as always,they have a rationale. They say that you can’t get a sear on your rescue facemask with facial hair.I had a full beard for years’ before Now I must content myself (and Others) by having the nicest ’stache
on 22 Feb 2008 at 5:57 am # wildbill
BTW:the word was seal. Not sear
on 22 Feb 2008 at 8:32 am # E
that was the point. christ. olden folks.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 8:39 am # sixesandsevens
It’s SLAUSON kids, not SLAWSON…there is no cabbage involved.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 8:48 am # Velvet
Well, I’ve lost total fucking control. I have absolutely no idea what you people are talking about.
Carry on.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 9:28 am # I-66
For the record, there was no dog on the bed. She’s way too big and likes to spread out. If anyone wants to buy her a mini-tempurpedic mattress I’m sure she’d readily accept.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 9:29 am # I-66
Oh, and for anyone counting, that’s…
I-66: 2, E: 0.
PWNED!
on 22 Feb 2008 at 12:28 pm # Washington Cube
bwawawawawahaha….loving the dialogue on Velvet.
Honey? Ya got one of them SAH-LONG’s going on in here…Yer the Madame de Stael of yer age.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 12:50 pm # Washington Cube
and 66? That dog is not too big for the bed. What is she? Irish Wolfhound? Mastiff? No.
Doggie on bed.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 12:52 pm # Velvet
Can someone buy me a mini-tempurpedic mattress? I need a nap and that sounds deeeeelightful.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:00 pm # Cunning Linguist
If I ever wondered why I come to read this blog every once in awhile, I think it can be best be said this way. At no other location on the internet would I be able to consider whether or not a cancer patient can grow pubic hair…or what they taste like. Because of you and E or F or whatever her name is, these thoughts have now entered my brain.
I’m not sure whether to say thank you or not, I think I might be more frightened than anything. But I can’t deny the entertainment value.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:11 pm # I-66
Cube - You come put her up there then.
Aqua Velvet - Lay down on that and you won’t wake up til dinner.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:18 pm # Jerky
CL, cancer patients lose all hair — including pubic; and, I was told they taste like a banana fiber drink.
Vulvet, see what happens with “u” instead of “e”.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:22 pm # Washington Cube
*snorting at “vulvet”* (seeing vulva reference points, of course.)
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:23 pm # I-66
(())
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:24 pm # Velvet
Jerky / Achy - No more blowjobs for you. You’re done, Soup Nazi.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:26 pm # I-66
…so does that mean you suddenly have a surplus to give away?
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:31 pm # Velvet
No. The blowjob store is closed for renovations.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:35 pm # I-66
That is not the kind of spirit I expect for comment #69.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 1:38 pm # Jerky
Vulvet - Take a look at the ad for the Dyson DC24:
Ball™ technology
Hygienic and quick to empty
Reversible wand
Motorized brushbar
Fingertip brush control
No Loss of Suction
I hope this helps with the renovations.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:01 pm # E
I think that instead of a blowjob store you should open a sex shop. Sixes can come down and manage it with you–she can be the local sex pro and help your customers pick out the right kind of lube for a first-time anal adventurer. In our neighborhood, we’d have lots of customers.
And Jerky–my mom’s a nurse and once had a guy come in with serious lacerations from sticking his piece in a vacuum tube. Better to apologize and tuck your dick between your legs than to mess with Dyson.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:17 pm # I-66
You could call it “Dupont Penetration” and have a giant sign in front with the letters D and P much larger than the others.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:17 pm # Velvet
A, I’m surprised someone hasn’t commented as “vulvet” or “merkin.” Usually that happens by now.
Two, if any of you people haven’t learned, don’t encourage Jerky!
And C, who sticks their dick in a vaccuum?
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:17 pm # sixesandsevens
E you are on to something. DC is in serious need of a good Fuck and although Velvet and I have personally tried to do this in our years there, I think venturing into a business might help get that town of a funk.
Now blow jobs…hmmm, how’s you know that’s the topic of C U Next Tuesday.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:28 pm # Velvet
Open Mouth. Sixes Inserts Foot.
Sigh.
Can we please not talk about what a whore I was when Jerky/Achy is on the board? K? Thanks.
It’s all virgin over here. All virgin.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:32 pm # I-66
Whatever. Like inserting a foot is what Sixes would do with an open mouth.
You guys be “good.” Chick Magnet and I are going to the pet store.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:44 pm # sixesandsevens
thank you 66.
Oh so Jerky, want to here about the time she….
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:48 pm # Velvet
You can’t spell “hear,” Jerky spelled “masturbate” wrong in a text this morning..I just can’t deal with this mediocrity. People please. We’re a world-class operation here.
And Jerky’s gonna be hard-regretting the blowjob ban when we’re on a plane next week with nothing to do but read books.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:51 pm # sixesandsevens
OK LISTEN, bitch. I’ve been on paper cutter duty all fucking morning and it’s cold at the office and I don’t want to be here and I am hungry and haven’t had sex in 2 weeks. FUCK OFF you witch!
blow job ban? What’s WRONG with you?! Jerky, maybe you need a real woman….
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:54 pm # Velvet
Since you seem to be implying and offering yourself up as the “real woman,” might I point out that you are manning a paper cutter today. I wouldn’t be going anywhere near that!
Jerky earned the blowjob ban. See above. He called me Vulvet because I called him out on his misspelling of masturbate, his spelling being “masterbate.” I cannot abide by misspelled words having to do with things I love. It’d be like if you misspelled “Thora” or “Sammy.”
Is this day over yet?
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:59 pm # J/A
I actually enjoy the unreal woman. Vulvet, I though you were a virgin — or were those panty hose? Hmm… it would explain why your toes kept curling up.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:59 pm # sixesandsevens
wow someone really got up on the wrong side of the broomstick today. What’s wrong your tits frozen to the balcony railing?
If a man texts you about masturbating (!) then you should just appreciate it no matter the spelling. You’ve got a good man and a vacation with said good man, to a sunny place coming up…GRATEFUL anyone?
And Tater and Tora are spelled as anyone wishes.
And say I was cutting paper having to do with something tawdry…then that DOES make me a good woman. At least I am not pondering a drawer full of unlabeled KEYS! TWAT.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 2:59 pm # sixesandsevens
and another thing…After that bomb I dropped on you yesterday, you OWE me for a good piece of gossip so BE NICE.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 3:04 pm # Velvet
J/A - Yes! I own the last pair of “suntan” color pantyhose available in the year 2008. I’m a rockstar!
Sixes - My broomstick was iced over. I would have parked it in the garage, but that’s a whole other story I haven’t told you yet involving mass car break in’s at my abode and further lockdowns by our bitch Condo President.
Those keys still piss me off. Keys to doors I can’t find are my nemesis.
I’m still in pain from yesterday. I’m not sure that’s true. Though, it would certainly fit with your resume nicely.
“Sixes and Sevens, gets ‘em while straight, converts ‘em to gay in three sleazy steps.”
on 22 Feb 2008 at 3:10 pm # sixesandsevens
yeah, i have references now. “results may vary” should be added to that.
I agree. I think he was lying too.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 3:11 pm # I-66
Now I have no idea what is going on. But the dog has toys, so that’s good.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 3:20 pm # Phil
Well you know the Playaz are totally opposed to this whole discussion.
First, with the men, we endorse full mustaches or full beards - no other in between (though we must forgive Kenny Rogers for his goatee - an unfortunate choice even for Kenny - but he’s old and perhaps somewhat senile).
Second, full bushes, ladies! The pubes emit pheromones! More bush more pheromones! More pheromones, more love making!
on 22 Feb 2008 at 3:35 pm # J/A
That’s why Larry from the Three Stooges was so attractive to women, and Curly was not. Moe was gay (obviously).
Good job Phil!
on 22 Feb 2008 at 4:10 pm # Vulvet Verve
Phil showed up! YAAYAYA Now this blog is cookin’.
on 22 Feb 2008 at 7:02 pm # E
Ah, Velvet. I know what you’re doing. I’ve executed this very plan several times. It’s the “give me an excuse to be petulant so you can TAKE what you want from me” act. See, Achy, what she really wants is for you to want her more, so she’s witholding. Instead of buying into her plan, just throw her around a bit and have some aggressive sex.
on 23 Feb 2008 at 4:38 am # wildbill
Wow! This White Trash Airport is really crowded, don’t you think?
on 23 Feb 2008 at 9:56 am # sixesandsevens
E you must come to Pennsyltuckey on the next Velvet visit. You bad bad bad girl!
on 27 Feb 2008 at 8:37 am # E
OH MY GOD, IT’S BACK! I have something to DO during the day now!
on 27 Feb 2008 at 8:55 am # sixesandsevens
YIPPEE! Velvet saves the day!
on 27 Feb 2008 at 9:51 am # I-66
Man, you fuckers are checking in early.
on 27 Feb 2008 at 9:54 am # E
Must be nice being unemployed. I’d sure love to sleep in.
on 27 Feb 2008 at 10:21 am # Velvet
beep. beep. beep.
That was velvet on an IV in the ER. Thankfully she’s come out of it…though not out of the woods yet.
on 27 Feb 2008 at 10:27 am # I-66
Being unemployed means giving E a whuppin’ twice.
on 27 Feb 2008 at 10:38 am # E
Exactly–I lost because I was getting PAID to work instead of sitting UNPAID to play scrabble. You just made my case for me!
on 27 Feb 2008 at 10:50 am # I-66
Excuses are for losers!