Velvet in Dupont 19 Dec 2007 3:13 pm
We Clearly Need a Do-Over On Our Celebrities
Christ. I mean, really.
1) Jamie Lynn Spears
16 years old. Pregnant. Stab me in the eye with a fork, have you learned nothing from your older sister? It’s a short walk from cute pop star to white trash ex-wife living off Mickie Dee’s with a snowball’s chance in hell that you’ll ever see your kids again because your debauchery enabled K Fed to make it as Dad of the Year. Yikes.
2) Beyonce
Please get off my television. Please. I hate that commercial you do for, well, everything. You are so overexposed. Take a page from J Lo’s book and hide for a few years.
3) Kim Kardashian and company
The fact that a talent-less bimbo has her own television show about NOTHING should no longer shock me. In a moment of never to be repeated masochistic torture, I watched the latest show where disproportionately big assed Kim considers firing her Dina Lohan-esque spotlight seeking mother as her manager. Instead of telling her mom by herself, she makes her poor sister “break” the news. Dumb bitch. You don’t have the guts to tell your own mother you might be firing her? You put your sister up to do your dirty work? I felt bad for the mother for oh, about 4 seconds until she immediately changed her voicemail to say she’s “Kim Kardashian’s former manager” and put Kim’s CELL PHONE number on her outgoing message. Jesus Christ. What a great mother you are. You people don’t need a television show, you need therapy and pills. Though, no Klonopin for Kim, she already talks pot-head slowwwww. I’m always afraid she’s going to fall asleep mid-sentence.
4. Jessica Simpson a.k.a. Simpleton
Girl, please stop. You showed up at that Dallas Cowboys game and your new beau spontaneously combusted on the field. Please stop ruining men’s lives. We all need to assess our strengths and then pursue those strengths so we can provide the best value to society. Love is not your thing. Neither is acting. Or singing. You are only good at shopping. Just shop, okay?
5. Nicole Kidman
Honey, I love you. I do. I think you are the shit. But you gotta lay off the botox. Seriously. If you needed to cry on command (either for a part or out of joy that Tom is someone else’s problem now) could you do it? Could you?
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt
I could not stand this squinty eyed poor excuse for an actress when she was on Party of Five. Then those Hanes commercials, yikes. But the whole business with the beach pictures and your proclamations of “a size two is not fat.” You lost me. Now I just hope your career dies in a fashion similar to David Caruso. While I’m not convinced you are a size two, you still set women everywhere back with that comment. It would have been much nicer for the rest of us and more believable if you said, “a size six isn’t fat.”
7. Pamela Anderson
Another one I like, but the last good decision you made about a man was when you dated little Scottie Baio. Look at him. He’s so sad with his own show just looking for a nice wife to take care of. And you married Kid Rock and Rick Soloman? Why would you marry a man with a known habit for filming sex tapes when you’ve had two of your own hit the mainstream? Jesus. Your decision making skills and judgment are wretched.
8. Amy Winehouse
I’ve already hated on her. Do I need to go here again? I don’t even hope she gets help or ends up in rehab because I don’t care enough.
9. Rachael Ray
Why must you scream? Why? In your stupid triscuits commercial, on your cooking show, you scream. Please, turn the volume knob down. Use your inside voice.
Thank goodness we have:
Christina Aguilera - talent, looks, restyled after those few awful fashion years, happy marriage, baby on the way. Well done girl.
The Girls Next Door - Oh girls. You crack me up. Not Kendra so much but Holly and Bridget, you chicks are awesome. And they care about Hef! If my dad were alone at 80, I’d totally want a hot 27 year old to show up at the Connecticut compound and call him Puffin.
The Real Housewives of Orange County - YAY! Women who all had kids around 20 and are now around 40 and made it. They MADE IT! They defied the odds and didn’t end up on COPS when their trailer got busted as a meth lab. I always love an underdog. Show me a 20 year old who has a baby and still becomes a millionaire and I will applaud any day.
Whaddi miss?
on 19 Dec 2007 at 4:06 pm # Ulysses
Bono?
Dave?
John Stewart?
Oprah?
on 19 Dec 2007 at 4:08 pm # Lemmonex
I kind of have a weird obsession with KimKar…but it is all very superficial and based on her beauty. My hatred for RR is well known, no talent hack.
I seriously hate, hate, HATE Sandra Bullock. That woman puts a stink on a movie. Plus, it is not cute to act all helpless and puppy-dogish at the age of freaking 43. I am not entertained by her pratfalls.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 4:09 pm # nato
I’m glad I have you to keep tabs on the celebs, ’cause I’ve sort of lost track of everyone after the Fonz.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 4:49 pm # homeimprovementninja
My thoughts:
1) Jamie Lynn Spears: I haven’t posted in a while, but I thought about this the other day. Proof that white trashiness is genetic?
2) Beyonce: I think she jumped the shark during Austin Powers.
3) Kim Kardashian: Speaking of white trash…who the hell is she, and why does she have a show except for being related by marriage to a former b-list celebrity (bruce jenner).
4. Jessica Simpson: Her whole family is creepy. Creepy Baptist Preacher dad who can’t shut up about his daughter’s breasts…white trash too.
5. Nicole Kidman: Leave her alone. I got a thing for her…well, I did while she was still fertile, but now it’s mostly nostalgia.
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt: If she’s a size two, then I’m 6 foot 5. But don’t bad mouth Hanes. I’m still a stock holder (for now).
7. Pamela Anderson: Drama queen. Are you telling me she can’t find someone besides Kid Rock or Solomon to date? Really? Then I guess she’ll tell me that her boobs are real too…and her lips…and her hair…
8. Amy Winehouse: She’s nasty (and not in a sexy way). She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, broke the fall with her face, then set it on fire and had someone put it out with an axe. And that’s just her face…
9. Rachael Ray: Her nasal long-EYE-lund voice is so annoying that I don’t know how someone could sit through the entire 30 minutes it takes to make one of her recipes.
Christina Aguilera: I liked her better when she was skanky, but I would still rather do her than Britney any day (especially if it was unprotected).
The Girls Next Door: I like Holly and I don’t know why she’s with that creepy old guy (except for the money), but Kendra is a skank. She belongs in a trailer park drinking Miller Genuine draft on the porch of her single wide with Britney, and Kim Kardashian. The other generically pretty blonde is tolerable.
The Real Housewives of Orange County: I don’t think these women realize how vapid and superficial they really are. I’m fascinated in the same way I am by watching a documentary on some remote tribe in africa. Their customs and values are so alien to me that it’s hard not to watch in amazement.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 4:55 pm # Not So Little Woman
Love this post! My students today were in utter shock about Jamie Lynn. The question is not only did she not learn from her sister, but what planet is she on that she did not use some kind of contraception?
One celebrity I have an issue with is Shakira (or, rather, Skankira). I hate that now that she’s in the US and World market she has decided that besides shaking her hips she has to shake her boobs and not wear too many clothes. I liked her when she started: More clothes, dancing that did not involve strange chest moves and a focus on her music.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 5:10 pm # Arjewtino
Are you talking about that Beyonce commercial where she buys a boomerang for her nephew? At first, I thought she was full of shit but then I realized that a gift that strange HAS to be real.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 5:49 pm # KassyK
BAHAHHAHA. Man, I love this post. Love it. I feel the same way about Kidman.
And the Girls Next Door. Oh Holly–I love her little comments that make you realize she’s not as big of an idiot as she looks. She is my favorite. Kendra makes me laugh out loud with her trashiness, she is a show in itself and Bridget is like the most perfect 50s young housewife reincarnate…giggly and making frosting.She is Hef’s nostalgia for the past. For sure.
And KimKar–the voice? Its borrowed from Paris Hilton. And the Olsen twins–only theirs is a bit lower and more drugged out. But generally the same. Mischa has it too. Its this weird LA affectation I think. Ick.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 5:50 pm # KassyK
OlsenTwins–I mean drugged out SOUNDING. Bc they are the sober ones right? Or something…
on 19 Dec 2007 at 5:55 pm # Patsy
Simpleton is HATED in the Big D right now. It’s beautiful.
And if you’re going to let your 16 year old daughter move in with her 19 year old boyfriend, perhaps you should explain to her where babies come from first. That whole family is trashtastic.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 6:01 pm # MA
I *heart* the girls next door. Especially Bridget. She’s smart.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 6:08 pm # Muskego Jeff
4. Jessica Simpson a.k.a. Simpleton
No! PLEASE keep going to Cowboy games! Green Bay needs Romo to have another few bad games to move ahead of Dallas in the standings.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 8:36 pm # Velvet
Ulysses - Dave? Who’s that? I thought about Oprah, but she just mildly irritates me, not extremely like the others.
Lemmonex - My brother and I used to make fun of Sandra because she was just such a painfully bad actress. I can’t tell you how many times we quoted her from the net, “They did it to me, they’re gonna do it to you.” That line is so stupid. But then I read that she’s a REALLY nice person, and I had to lay off my hate because finding a nice person in Hollywood is as hard as finding a virgin in the Spears family.
Nato - Our celebs were way better back then.
Ninja - Bravo. Well done. Kim Kardashian’s dad was Robert Kardashian, one of the OJ laywers. But there was a meltdown there, and some shenanigans and Robert Kardashian was more mafia, less Defense Attorney for most of his life. I adore Nicole Kidman, I think she’s beautiful. But I just saw the Golden Shower, err, Compass, and she just looks weird. You’re a stockholder of Hanes? HA! The housewives of OC, yes, vapid. Though some more than others. The really beautiful blonde about to get married is not that superficial, and the one who was a Playmate and one of the ZZTop girls - Jeana - she seems really genuine too. Actually, just the loudmouth Vicki and the new one Quinn seem like fuckups. The other four are cool.
NSLW - Shakira is like 4 foot 10 isn’t she? She’s tiny. Maybe she has to do all the boob shaking because that’s what she’s determined the U.S. market wants? Perhaps it’s our fault?
Arjew - Christ, no, that means there’s ANOTHER commercial I didn’t know about. I saw three within two commercial periods the other night and I was so pissed. One is for Comcast, the other is for some perfume…Diamonds something or other. The last was for L’oreal makeup. But so she’s in something else? Shit! Kill her!
KassyK - When I first started watching Girls Next Door, I loved Kendra. But then I saw her without makeup, and realized how dumb she is, and I couldn’t deal anymore. Holly is gorgeous. And Bridget is just so flipping sweet. I bet she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Now, you are right about the KimKar voice being like Paris. And that girl is a marketing genius. Ever notice the Paris pose? Not the face, but the way she twists her knees together and points her toes toward each other? That’s a subliminal “little girl” pose she’s doing to attract guys. Gross.
Patsy - Smells just like when Britney lived with Justin and still swore she was a virgin. Yeah. Right.
MA - I know, how can you not love them? They are always up to some wholesome mischief.
Jeff - I bet she’s banned. That’s hilarious. In the pics I saw, her freaking dad was there with her. Can she go anywhere without him?
on 19 Dec 2007 at 10:18 pm # Kerrin
Beyonce is also in a commercial for DirectTV. At one point she’s holding a giant gold charm of her name in her mouth. I’d like to choke her with it. “Lemme lemme upgrade you.” Ugh.
on 19 Dec 2007 at 11:13 pm # Velvet
That’s IT! She’s dancing like a moron and TALKING to the camera about upgrading. Ugh. Annoying.
“I’d like to choke her with it.” Brilliant!
on 20 Dec 2007 at 12:02 am # I-66
I’m right with you on Beyonce. My god, she’s everywhere. She sucks as a solo artist, so she really needs to get off of my television.
Lemmonex is only hiding her true feelings for Rachael Ray. Only in this case the hatred is like 10 times worse than how she’s portraying it.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 12:15 am # wildbillthePirate
About the “Real” housewives: If all of the Celebs you mentioned married well-to-do men and settled; THATS them! I don’t mistake marrying for money as special as making it all on your own.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 2:32 am # Velvet
I66 - I’m convinced the only thing that keeps Beyonce around is the Jay Z connection. I forgot to make fun of her mom’s fashion line too. Damn! I’ll make a House of Dereon joke soon.
Bill - Mmmm, not so much. The one girl Jeana made serious bucks on her own by acting, modeling etc. Vicki sold insurance and is doing well. Some might have married for money, but not all of them.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 4:30 am # Drunken Chud
“…I just hope your career dies in a fashion similar to David Caruso.”
i’m not sure if men can swoon, but i am. for you. right now.
seriously, when i hear that man’s name, or see his face, or hear his face i want to stab something. and then stab it again. i’m not sure where this response came from, but it is deep seeded. seriously, the only reason i can make it through “first blood” is because i KNOW he dies a great death. that man is satan as sure as i’m drinking labatt blue right now.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 8:37 am # jordanbaker
I will forgive Nicole Kidman everything once she goes back to being a redhead.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 8:52 am # Ms. Anthrope
I got nothing. But honey, step AWAY from the teevee for a few days. Get some fresh air.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 8:55 am # Ulysses
In this season, Dave is the man yelling at Alvin. I threw just threw “Dave” in there.
How ’bout Paul McCartney?
Speaking of the twins, Lance Armstrong?
on 20 Dec 2007 at 10:40 am # Martin
I’m always fascinated by the level of female hatred for Rachael Ray. I have no opinion about her whatsoever, but the women I know loathe her like she chops up kittens to make her delicacies.
Kim Kardashian is probably the apex (nadir?) of being famous for no other reason other than her simple existence. Like Vida Guerra, her sole defining feature is that she’s got an ass which pretty much invalidates multiple laws of physics and gravitational relations between objects. Would I hit it if given the chance? Absolutely. Do I care about her in any other capacity? No.
And as I said in the post you commented on, I didn’t even know Britney Spears *had* a sister until yesterday.
Always a pleasure to see you doing your thing, darlin’.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 10:51 am # Bridal Bird
My problem with Rachel Ray: her refusal to acknowledge the presence of the letter “g” on the end of verbs. “Hey guys, how you doin’? At the hahlidays I love cookin’ up a big pot of spaghetti. Nothin’s easier than makin’ spaghetti.” Please, just make it stop.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 10:53 am # 6s & 7s
Not that I would EVER defend Kim but I have to defend that ass. ‘Cause alas, I have the same one. Big, round and sticky-outtie!
P.S. did you SEE the episode where she’s posing for Playboy and she won’t get naked. Even my jaw dropped open.
Seriously honey, it’s PLAYBOY not Teen Cosmo. Her mom had to have a sit down lunch with Hef (at The Mansion no less) to discuss the issue. Here’s a little breakdown:
Kim’s Mom to Hef: “Does she have to get naked?”
Hef: “Yes”
FUCKING DUH YOU DUMB BITCHES. Take that shit off…and guess what…she did.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 10:55 am # Ms. Anthrope
Imagine if Rachel Ray and Emeril had a love child.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 11:32 am # I-66
I maintain that Rachael Ray would probably be good in the sack.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 12:27 pm # Velvet
Chud - They made a great joke on South Park about him where Ike jumps out of a plane and lands in the ground face down. That was hilarious. And you can swoon for me. Swoon away!
JB - I just saw a show on her and wow, she has REALLY changed her look. She looks nothing like what she used to. I’m not sure how she could die and straighten her hair and still have it look so healthy. That defies nature, entirely.
Ms. Anthrope - I was outside for a whole 2 hours yesterday. Uh, picking up my meds at CVS for my throat. Bah.
Ulysses - I’m still lost.
Martin - I suppose Britney’s little sister was for all the Britney fans, reminiscent of the old Britney when she was young and innocent - if that’s even possible. But they look identical. And now, apparently, act identical too.
Bridal Bird - Oh. My. God. You’ve given me another reason for hate. Usually when I see something in small doses, I don’t notice as much as when there’s a marathon or a bunch of shows back to back. Then I start seeing every little thing. The worst thing ever was years back watching a Sex and the City marathon and realizing that those girls were pathetic. And SJP was a wretched actress. Her screechy screams. Ugh.
Sixes - You have an ass like that? You do? You’re a rail! No way! I have to look again. I’ll check tonight. Sit next to me at dinner, okay?
Ms. Anthrope - It would be a screamer. For real.
I66 - Really? Why? (Cue joke: The more the cushion the better the pushin. Okay, that was mean.)
on 20 Dec 2007 at 1:01 pm # suicide_blond
wait wait… i know..always late to the party but…dont forget ..Kat von D and Jenna Jameson…
xoxo
on 20 Dec 2007 at 3:32 pm # Uncle Keith
Bravo!
I thought Nicole Kidman was aging nicely without botox, but now she looks bad. She can almost get a pass though. It’s been years, but in ‘Dead Calm’, she was the hottest woman on Earth! Pale skin, red hair, her eyes, just absolutely perfect!
on 20 Dec 2007 at 5:13 pm # Casey Aldridge
C’mon now… Don’t Playah hate… Why you all up in my baby biznezz…
on 20 Dec 2007 at 6:54 pm # Velvet
SB - To the good list though, right? Or am I supposed to lampoon Jenna J for the weight loss?
Keith - Why thank you. I too love Nicole. I think she’s very beautiful. She’s going all wrong now though.
Casey - You should have wrapped it! Double bag for anyone whose last name is Spears!!!
on 20 Dec 2007 at 7:21 pm # freckledk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-GnfEiTe4E
on 20 Dec 2007 at 7:36 pm # freckledk
Tyra does my head in. The opening credits for America’s Next Top Model alone make me want to murder someone….namely her.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 7:39 pm # I-66
Enthusiastic, eager to please. I think so.
on 20 Dec 2007 at 11:36 pm # wildbill
O.K. One or two of the women in housewives have some sort of talent. I think Vicki’s insurance business is selling insurance to all the folks in her community, High-end client insurance. Ms. Spears has some talent too. I’m sure Ms. Kardashin’s talents were mostly shown on the sex tape. She also looks good in clothes.(a dubious talent at best)
on 21 Dec 2007 at 12:25 pm # Ashburnite
I am so sick of Beyonce. “Crazy in Love” is one of the only half-way decent songs she’s done solo, and there isn’t a damn thing she’s done since then that doesn’t annoy the shit out of me.
Jamie Lynn Spears needs to just hang it up and go back to the trailer park.
on 22 Dec 2007 at 2:28 am # DCMovieGirl
Damn.
You know things are bad for female celebrities when your Thank God We Have list includes:
Christina Aguilera: Doing better and full of talent but still screams through a song instead of building momentum.
The Girls Next Door: Hef’s bleached, breast-implanted harem
and…
The Real Housewives of Orange County: Spoiled bitches who are raising spoiled bitches.
But the rest of that stuff? Right on.
on 22 Dec 2007 at 4:57 am # Drunken Chud
then consider me swooning.
on 22 Dec 2007 at 1:45 pm # Aileen
I’m curious- was it a conscious decision to just focus on female celebrities?
on 24 Dec 2007 at 11:43 am # Zandria
Funny post! I quoted you.
on 26 Mar 2008 at 1:23 pm # Stellavy
favorited this one, dude
on 28 Jul 2011 at 1:44 pm # alivia porter
i think everyone should just mind there own everyone is human and makes mistakes and sometimes not even there are aloud to be accents as well. my sister is 15 and just had a baby i wish she could have waited but shit happens. brittany and jamie arent the only girls in the world who make theses decsions. alot of people make mistakes nobodys prefect