Velvet in Dupont 19 Dec 2007 3:13 pm
Christ. I mean, really.
1) Jamie Lynn Spears
16 years old. Pregnant. Stab me in the eye with a fork, have you learned nothing from your older sister? It’s a short walk from cute pop star to white trash ex-wife living off Mickie Dee’s with a snowball’s chance in hell that you’ll ever see your kids again because your debauchery enabled K Fed to make it as Dad of the Year. Yikes.
Please get off my television. Please. I hate that commercial you do for, well, everything. You are so overexposed. Take a page from J Lo’s book and hide for a few years.
3) Kim Kardashian and company
The fact that a talent-less bimbo has her own television show about NOTHING should no longer shock me. In a moment of never to be repeated masochistic torture, I watched the latest show where disproportionately big assed Kim considers firing her Dina Lohan-esque spotlight seeking mother as her manager. Instead of telling her mom by herself, she makes her poor sister “break” the news. Dumb bitch. You don’t have the guts to tell your own mother you might be firing her? You put your sister up to do your dirty work? I felt bad for the mother for oh, about 4 seconds until she immediately changed her voicemail to say she’s “Kim Kardashian’s former manager” and put Kim’s CELL PHONE number on her outgoing message. Jesus Christ. What a great mother you are. You people don’t need a television show, you need therapy and pills. Though, no Klonopin for Kim, she already talks pot-head slowwwww. I’m always afraid she’s going to fall asleep mid-sentence.
4. Jessica Simpson a.k.a. Simpleton
Girl, please stop. You showed up at that Dallas Cowboys game and your new beau spontaneously combusted on the field. Please stop ruining men’s lives. We all need to assess our strengths and then pursue those strengths so we can provide the best value to society. Love is not your thing. Neither is acting. Or singing. You are only good at shopping. Just shop, okay?
5. Nicole Kidman
Honey, I love you. I do. I think you are the shit. But you gotta lay off the botox. Seriously. If you needed to cry on command (either for a part or out of joy that Tom is someone else’s problem now) could you do it? Could you?
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt
I could not stand this squinty eyed poor excuse for an actress when she was on Party of Five. Then those Hanes commercials, yikes. But the whole business with the beach pictures and your proclamations of “a size two is not fat.” You lost me. Now I just hope your career dies in a fashion similar to David Caruso. While I’m not convinced you are a size two, you still set women everywhere back with that comment. It would have been much nicer for the rest of us and more believable if you said, “a size six isn’t fat.”
7. Pamela Anderson
Another one I like, but the last good decision you made about a man was when you dated little Scottie Baio. Look at him. He’s so sad with his own show just looking for a nice wife to take care of. And you married Kid Rock and Rick Soloman? Why would you marry a man with a known habit for filming sex tapes when you’ve had two of your own hit the mainstream? Jesus. Your decision making skills and judgment are wretched.
8. Amy Winehouse
I’ve already hated on her. Do I need to go here again? I don’t even hope she gets help or ends up in rehab because I don’t care enough.
9. Rachael Ray
Why must you scream? Why? In your stupid triscuits commercial, on your cooking show, you scream. Please, turn the volume knob down. Use your inside voice.
Thank goodness we have:
Christina Aguilera - talent, looks, restyled after those few awful fashion years, happy marriage, baby on the way. Well done girl.
The Girls Next Door - Oh girls. You crack me up. Not Kendra so much but Holly and Bridget, you chicks are awesome. And they care about Hef! If my dad were alone at 80, I’d totally want a hot 27 year old to show up at the Connecticut compound and call him Puffin.
The Real Housewives of Orange County - YAY! Women who all had kids around 20 and are now around 40 and made it. They MADE IT! They defied the odds and didn’t end up on COPS when their trailer got busted as a meth lab. I always love an underdog. Show me a 20 year old who has a baby and still becomes a millionaire and I will applaud any day.