Velvet in Dupont 03 Dec 2007 6:03 am
I Just Can’t Believe I Didn’t See It In Your Eyes
“T’is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” ~ Alfred Tennyson
Is it? I’m not so sure. I feel for people who fall in love, then fall out and never find it again. I think it’s much worse to know what you’re missing, than it is to never know. Those who have been in love seem like they are on the eternal quest to find something they lost. Someone who can equal or emulate that feeling…like an addict chasing their first high.
I know people in both camps, and those who have never been in love seem so much happier, generally speaking, than those who have. The ones I know of share a startlingly similar quality - they are the Jerry Seinfeld’s of the world - the jokesters, the ones who make you laugh, the ones always cracking jokes. The only redeeming quality to finding, and losing love, that I can see, is that once you have it in your life, you can so easily see it when it hits you again.
I’ve always felt that falling in love is a way of being reminded that we’re not really in control of our lives, and falling out of love, or worse, experiencing a broken heart, is a way of reminding us that we’re alive and that things can touch us. Of course, I’m open to debate on all of my middle of the night ramblings.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 6:39 am # Ulysses
Risk is necessary for growth. No one ever discovered anything amazing without venturing beyond their safe borders. You could be happy without risking anything, but what would you learn?
Go get some sleep now, or some coffee.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 8:45 am # Not So Little Woman
I welcome your middle of the night ramblings. In fact, they are a better use of your time than signing up for classmates.com… But I digress.
I am a big supporter of love and I truly believe it’s better to have experienced love, at least once. My mom is always on my case because “I love too much” and thus get hurt easily. It’s definitely true. But I’d rather love and risk getting hurt, than building a wall or denying myself joys.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 9:19 am # mysterygirl!
I was talking about this the other day with a friend who has never been in love. She really felt like she was missing out, and her position made my past heartbreaks seem like blessings.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 9:36 am # Classmates.com
Welcome back to our members list. If you join for an additional 12 months at a discount rate of $29.99/month, we’ll make it easy by deducting it from your 401k.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 9:39 am # homeimprovementninja
Loving someone and being loved is part of the human experience. I don’t think you can be a complete person without having experienced it at least once.
I fell in love with a puppy once…I am now capable of self-actualization.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 9:54 am # Ms. Anthrope
Whoa deep. Get back to the cookie dough.
Hey even heartbreak means you’re alive. And although I have been capable of love (and even being loved-which I know is a shock) I don’t chase it. It’s not something to be caught. And you don’t really lose love, it just changes.
Res Lipsa Loquitor.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 10:11 am # I-66
I could do without the emotional upheaval that comes with falling out of live, but the feeling I feel when I’m in love makes it all worth it.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 10:46 am # allez oop
I second I-66. Life just seems so much more vivid once we’ve experienced the rush of chemicals (aahhhhh, seratonin) that love brings. It is addictive and makes us junkies, and I am damn glad to have fallen off that particular wagon.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 11:26 am # Arjewtino
It’s all about context and perspective. The pain one feels when one is going through heartbreak makes one wish they never felt love to begin with. But the joy one gets from feeling that “high” makes the same person grateful for having felt it.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 12:24 pm # Velvet
Ulysses - I’ve slept and rested up! And I agree with you. Though it can be impossible for some people to take those risks.
NSLW - Hmm. Loving too much. I can see that of you. But if it makes you happy, then so be it. If you can manage it, without the incessant heartbreak, then, that’s good, right?
Mysterygirl! - I think when people say “I don’t know if I’ve been in love,” then they haven’t. It’s the old, know it when you see it thing. Though, perhaps some just don’t want to admit it?
Classmates.com - Damn you!!
Ninja - You crossed my mind while writing this. Who is the one(s) you loved? I hear about past gf’s, but, I can’t place which one was “the one.”
Ms. Anthrope - I need to do a cookie dough update, though not much has happened in the past couple weeks. I have a great picture of Thora and Sammy staring into the vat of dough. Now, you don’t think people fall out of love? Shall I mention your ex-husband? Didn’t you fall out of love with him?
I66 - I agree. Totally. It’s such a pain in the ass.
Allez Oop - But, it’s when your are in the actual love that you’re more vivid, right? (Collective you, not YOU you.) Once the person falls out, isn’t that spring in their step just gone?
Arjewtino - And yes, once you have the distance from it, it’s great to say that you loved someone and to know how that feels. But, getting that distance is sometimes impossibly impossible.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 1:07 pm # Cunning Linguist
Laughing my ass off at Classmates.com. You should tell the peanut gallery what other spam you’re receiving, there’s obviously a swift reaction each time.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 1:34 pm # allez oop
Everyone deals with falling out of love differently. It can be soul-crushing. Been there, bought the anti-depressants. I don’t think that not being in love makes things less vivid, or grayer. I think that having loved at all is what gives life color, and that faith in yourself and being open to loving again is the key. Also, I suspect that falling out of love is the only way to truly value/know being in love. Kind of that whole good and evil dichotomy.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 1:34 pm # Chico's Bail Bonds
Nice to finally have some time to read my favorite blogger’s musings and you really drop a doozy with this one.
I do think that losing love causes one to seek it out in sometimes harmful ways, much like an addict, but I think that the very fact that we still seek it demonstrates the most important fact; if you’ve loved, there is hope to be loved again.
I also think (and would love to hear your thoughts on this) that far too many of my contemporaries (right around 30) who are single are so desperate to find love that they equate crushes and infatuation with love. I find this incredibly destructive for many of them b/c they meet someone and think… this is it! I found it again! And then they throw themselves headlong into it, even though they (and their friends) told them to keep their guard up. Then, when it fizzles, they wonder why they got so excited in the first place. Rinse. Repeat.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 1:57 pm # Velvet
Cunning Linguist - I think they are referring to the prior post, where I drunkenly signed up for Classmates.com because I’m an idiot.
Allez Oop - Oh, your love just screams from the page. I think this is why you knew so quickly with “teh smitten” that this was it. Awww!! YAY!
Chico’s Bail Bonds - Well Well Well! Hello!! I checked in on the Cafe a week ago and saw it had slowed down quite a bit in recent times. Glad you’re back! Now…to answer your questions…
I’ve often felt that there are a couple windows in someone’s life where they can truly fall in love. At least, it has worked this way in my own life. Early 20’s seems to be the first time you can be hit with this, and if you find that person in the early / mid 20’s, and you couple up for the long haul, the only thing preventing you from staying together is if you grow in different directions. The late 20’s and cusp of 30 is such a huge time of change in most people’s lives. If you aren’t coupled up and in love, I almost think it’s better to step back from it for a couple years to make sure you get through the “cusp of 30 / finding yourself” hurdle. Because you will most certainly be a different person when you get to the other side of the hurdle.
After you settle all this, the career, where am I going in my life, do I need any more education etc questions, you’re “ready” to find the love again.
The people who force that love and that connection at / around 30 are doing so because they think it’s “time.” There’s something about that age that makes people want to put all the pieces together if they aren’t in place already. The things we can control: education, career, lifestyle are all usually where we want them to be. The things we can’t control: falling in love, we sometimes try to just manipulate anyway.
I was almost a victim of this myself. I’m sure you recall it too…rhymes with “erlock.”
on 03 Dec 2007 at 3:03 pm # I-66
Spurlock… Her cock… Fur sock…
on 03 Dec 2007 at 4:26 pm # Ms. Anthrope
ah touche but I wish he hadn’t been a controlling asshole freak. Other than that it would have worked out. I didn’t have control over that aspect so I couldn’t stay in a miserable relationship but had that all not gone down…
anyway, fuck love. just fuck, I say.
(manipulation is the right word there…remember it)
on 03 Dec 2007 at 4:32 pm # Ibid
I disagree with the obvious message that quote gives. I’d rather not have fallen for someone at all than have to go through the misery of a breakup.
This is why I have deal breakers. She wants kids, I don’t, so we’re doomed. I don’t care what chemistry we have. I’m walking away so we don’t have to break up.
On a grander scale I agree with it. Before I had a relationship I thought I was missing something. Everyone else had one. The TV and radio makes it seem like a wonderful thing. What was wrong with me? Why was I not permitted in this paradise?
Having had a relationship that ended well I can say that it’s not such a big deal. The payoff is not worth long string of rejection and disappointment that it takes to find Miss Meh-All-Right.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 4:32 pm # Classmates.com
Damn you, too!
on 03 Dec 2007 at 4:53 pm # Lemmonex
I agree with Ibid in a certain sense; you have to know your dealbreakers to protect yourself. I walked away from the only man I ever really loved because he didn’t want kids. (It also brought forward a whole slew of other issues and wasn’t just about kids, but that is for my therapist). I am better for it and I have never regretted it. Knowing that I walked away from something so special and intense actually convinces me I won’t settle in a panic to find “Mr. Alright”. It helps you figure out how strong you are and what matters.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 5:27 pm # griffin
IMHO, the serotonin high of being in love — pleasant as it sometimes is — is absolutely not worth the devastation of the heartbreak that (in my case, at least) inevitably follows. Being in the midst of a very fresh heartbreak, I can say with utter conviction that I deeply regret ever having met the guy in the first place, and I wish he’d disappear from the face of the Earth. (Yes, I’m taking it very hard. Does it show?)
Also, I’ve been In Love twice in my life, and both times not only was I not looking for it, but was actively vexed to discover that it was, in fact, the case. Because it is a BIG pain in the ass, not to mention a time-suck.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 5:38 pm # Hammer
Tennyson’s right of course, but then the English majors of the world are always going to take his side. Despite all the drama and heartache, I still think it’s usually a net gain in the end.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 5:59 pm # Not So Little Woman
I so love your analysis of the 20s love and 30s “cusp”. It’s completely true. See the current exhibit: The Engineer and I loved each other, completely. By the time we got around to moving to the next step, we were different people. And I am currently working with all my might to avoid falling into the “you’re in your 30s! you should be in love!” trap. I’ll be in love when I’m in love and I’ll find a mate, if it happens, when it happens.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 6:52 pm # suicide_blond
i dont wish “love” on anyone….
ignorance is bliss….but ..hey..im a cynical bitch…i dont wish that on anyone either!
xoxo
on 03 Dec 2007 at 7:47 pm # Velvet
I66 - Heh. Thems some days I don’t miss. At all.
Ms. Anthrope - Oh yeah, I got you all right. So you think all love involves a form of manipulation?
Ibid - Hmm. Well, it’s probably a matter of extremes. Not all love would be the same, and not all breakups would hurt the same. I would guess that it depends how it ends - like if it took months and months to wind down, no matter how deep the love, it might be pretty easy to walk away because you would have been technically “getting over” it during that breakup process. Now, the “paradise” of which you speak…you know a lot of that is fake, right? A lot of people are in the WRONG relationships, for a variety of reasons but mostly boiling down to them not wanting to be alone. I’ve often thought that those people who are with Mr or Ms. Not-exactly-right are selfish and doing everyone a huge disservice. If everyone who was incorrectly coupled up would just suck it up and end the relationship, a lot more people would find happiness. Or at least have a chance to. It’s the incorrectly matched relationships which result in heartbreak. Someone once said to me: “Chemistry attracts us to people who are good for us and people who are not. It’s up to us to determine if we are going to pursue that or not.” For a long time, this blog was proof of that.
Lemmonex - You bring up an excellent point. Kids as a dealbreaker. Another question to toss into the mix: What if you give up the perfect mate for you in the hope that you will find someone else who is also perfect but wants kids? What if you don’t find that person? What if you have to make a choice to settle down with someone who is close but not perfect for you, because they want to have kids. I almost made this mistake last year. Thank goodness I had a brewing feeling of unease, and the strength to call the time of death. (It took several times before it stuck.)
Griffin - Another excellent point. Everyone we break up with in a not so pleasant manner should die. There should be a service that just kills people so we don’t have to worry about bumping into them when we look like shit and they are with their new girlfriend/boyfriend and want to rub it in your face. Those people must die. I like the analogy of the “time suck.” That’s pretty funny. Another question though - you’ve been in love twice. How was round #2 different in intensity and feeling when compared to the first love?
Hammer - I am still on the fence. I am thinking of a few very specific people who claim to have never been in love, and I wonder, is this happiness I sense really just false?
NSLW - Oh, it’s mostly because it pertains to me. And now, on the other side of 30, there’s a lot more clarity than I had 10 years ago. Your “Engineer” was my “Atlanta Boy,” and same issue. We grew in totally opposite directions. We actually both regressed for a time there, but in different manners. You are at a tricky time though. I’ll tell you that the impending doom of child bearing years coming to an end can make women make some fucked up decisions. Again, you would recall firsthand what happened last year and how clouded it made my decisions. No kids are better than kids with the wrong person. Because the wrong person can do some serious life-ruining.
Blond - Love seems such a sign of weakness, doesn’t it? It almost pisses me off. Well, not almost. It pisses me off.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 10:21 pm # barbara
This is all so true and so well said in just a few paragraphs. As for me, I’m glad I’ve experienced love at lease a couple of times. I would feel cheated otherwise. You are right — it’s the same thing with a massage, a gourmet meal, a concert, even a joint — once you know how good it can be, it’s hard not to want to repeat it.
on 03 Dec 2007 at 11:17 pm # wildbillthePirate
“Pain is your Friend, because if you are still feeling it, then you Know that you are still Alive”
Love doesn’t piss me off; but folks who will put up with Physical/Emotional Abuse, Throw themselves (or others) off buildings or allow themselves to be subsumed for Love (or the lack of it) DO!
on 04 Dec 2007 at 12:08 am # Ulysses
Holy Crap! you: a) did what I suggested, and b) agreed with me. You must still be struggling…
You understand how you must risk, so you should recognize the capacity to truly love as a sign of strength.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 12:11 am # Velvet
Barbara - I’m trying to write less. I am. It’s not easy. I’m the youngest in the family and therefore the loudest and most chatty, apparently.
Wild Bill - Oh, so that’s a quote? Really? Damn, I didn’t know. I’m just that good. Or not.
Ulysses - I was sort of up most of the night, so it was a good suggestion for me to go get some sleep. Still struggling. I’m not among the crew who can say they’ve never loved, so I’m just trying to make it all make sense. I’ve been in both camps, and I’m not sure which one is better. Maybe I’ll do a follow up post.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 12:18 am # Mark Sandman
Consider adding this to your soundtrack while you wait for your vision to clear:
Morphine’s “Cure For Pain”
on 04 Dec 2007 at 6:24 am # Ibid
>Now, the “paradise” of which you speak…you
>know a lot of that is fake, right?
That’s kind of my point. I had to be in a relationship in order to figure out that love is mostly hype.
>What if you give up the perfect mate for
>you in the hope that you will find someone
>else who is also perfect but wants kids?
If that person wants kids and I don’t then they’re not perfect for me. There’s only two possible results. Either you’ll break up or one of you will have to give up what you want in life.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 9:09 am # AMEN
“A lot of people are in the WRONG relationships, for a variety of reasons but mostly boiling down to them not wanting to be alone. I’ve often thought that those people who are with Mr or Ms. Not-exactly-right are selfish and doing everyone a huge disservice. If everyone who was incorrectly coupled up would just suck it up and end the relationship, a lot more people would find happiness.”
Seriously, Craigslist needs a whole section just for “those people”.
Velvet YOU are a genius.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 9:16 am # wildbillthePirate
SEAL team Ops
on 04 Dec 2007 at 9:56 am # Ms. Anthrope
I would also like to say for the record…
If you aren’t happy in a relationship-get out. And if someone breaks up with you…don’t shoot them and then kill yourself. If you want to die, then that’s YOUR business but don’t take others with you. If you do I hope there IS a hell and that you go to it.
I mean really folks, I can’t tell you the number of murder-suicide stories I deal with every day. It’s dumb and ridiculous to see lives wasted because someone is a complete LOSER. If someone divorces you then so be it. go on and get a life don’t take one. There’s no need for murder.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 11:34 am # Velvet
Mark Sandman - That wiki link went to nothing.
Ibid - Was it just because it was the wrong relationship though? I wonder what would happen if the “right” person came along.
AMEN - I try…it isn’t easy being this smartie pants. Heh. Sarcasm.
Wild Bill - Is that our Craigslist section title?
Ms. Anthrope - You know of my addiction to Forensic Files, The Investigators, Cold Case Files, Dark Heart Iron Hand…etc…etc….etc… In all these shows where someone is murdered, it is almost ALWAYS the spouse who did it. Rare is the case where they show the masked intruder.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 5:07 pm # Not So Little Woman
Oh Velvet. What a great point you make -again- about it’s better to have no kids than to have kids with the wrong man. Also another reason I left the Engineer. He soo wanted kids and so did I. But I did not see myself raising a child with him. I would’ve been raising two. Also, on a personal note, I know for a fact that my parents’ relationship already wasn’t working when they got pregnant. Much as I am happy to be alive, I know that I would not have a kid in the hopes it would fix a marriage or a relationship.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 6:08 pm # griffin
>Another question though - you’ve been in love twice.
>How was round #2 different in intensity and feeling when >compared to the first love?
First time I was a sophomore in college (so was he), and our first reaction to realizing that we were in love was, “Oh, NO!” Because we were 19 & in college and neither of us believed for a second we’d ultimately end up together, so it was really an inconvenient revelation. A giddy sensation, to be sure, and fun while it lasted, but a big complication during an already-complicated phase.
This time (mid-30s), I’ve been falling in love with a friend over the past four years, and being *very* vocal & demonstrative about it the whole time. This person-I-thought-was-my-friend, instead of telling me up-front that I had no shot, instead sat back & basked in my stupid adoration, letting me woo him like the moron I so richly am. I mean, springing for dinners at expensive restaurants, and gifts, and poems — omg, there was no end to my pathetic self-abasement! And he’d have let that go on indefinitely, apparently, with no reciprocity, except that I finally got fed up & walked away. (This was particularly galling when I learned that he’s quite well-to-do, yet still never put a hand in his pocket.) Not only were all my romantic feelings for naught (to the ridiculous extent that I actually reconsidered my anti-child-having stance — god, I would’ve become Donna fucking Reed for this jackass!) but I also wasted a LOT of time investing in a friendship that never really existed, so it’s kind of a double loss.
The first time was skyrockets all over the sky; this second time was skyrockets inside my chest: *intimate* skyrockets, if that makes any sense. The first guy was delightful, and that feeling was mutual; the second one I would’ve turned myself inside-out for, but I was most definitely alone in feeling that way. Fool that I am.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 6:18 pm # griffin
Oh, and also? He’s Greek. And the youngest son. A few people have said, “OHHHHH!” as if this explained a great deal to them, but unfortunately I’ve only ever dealt with fellow Anglo-Saxon-Celtic types, so I’m not familiar with whatever cultural differences may exist. I should probably pay closer attention.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 7:43 pm # MA
First off, I don’t understand how I missed this post. Secondly, I never believed that you could actually feel heartbreak in your chest, until I experienced it.
Stupid love.
And yet I keep going back for more.
on 04 Dec 2007 at 9:44 pm # Velvet
NSLW - I know several people who tried the old, “this isn’t working, let’s have a baby” thing, and that doesn’t work for many reasons. But mainly…you have two people who are messed up, but when you bring a kid into it, you screw them up too. I know someone who stayed in a marriage “for his kid” and you know what? I don’t think his kid is learning anything about a loving marriage from his parents. That’s not good. That kid will think sleeping on the couch is part of marriage. Oy.
Griffin - We do foolish things when we’re in love. But you shouldn’t second guess your actions during the 2nd love of your life. If you resolve to never do anything for anyone again, you could miss out on the next great love. I’m not sure why he allowed you to do all that you did, the money part being most disturbing. I’m sure you already know that we teach people how to treat us, so you don’t need that lecture (kidding, well, not so much) but, still, don’t beat yourself up over it. But, then you came back in with the Greek disclaimer and I just bust my spleen laughing. You’re new here, at least from what I recall, but I’m 100% Greek. (I like to pretend I’m not.) I can attest to the fucked-up-ness with which we are raised. The pervading theme in my childhood is “nothing’s ever good enough!” You weren’t wrong to fall in love a 2nd time. Seriously. You weren’t.
MA - You have to keep going! You have to you have to you have to!!! So there!
on 04 Dec 2007 at 11:00 pm # Rabbit
I’ve written about this particular topic quite a bit. I guess it’s on my mind a lot these days as it is with many people in their early thirties……especially with many friends getting married and having children. Don’t think there are any right answers or even a right way to approach it. Each person must find their own way. My two cents.
on 05 Dec 2007 at 3:59 am # Drunken Chud
what is love?
baby don’t hurt me.
don’t hurt me.
no more.
what is love?
baby don’t hurt me.
don’t hurt me.
no more.
on 05 Dec 2007 at 10:29 am # Lemmonex
Chiming back in here late, but for me, I would rather have a child alone than have one with a partner who doesn’t want a kid. I am not downplaying how hard it would be, but it is not impossible. My ex told me he considered having one to keep me; that would be an unmitigated disaster. A happy single parent is so much better than two miserable ones. I know for some people, a partner is essential to raising a child and I respect that. I just don’t think I would give up my desire for a child if I never found “the one”.
on 05 Dec 2007 at 2:10 pm # bejeweled
Amazing how you can write a post that so closely hits home right now. Although I am not currently in love, I could be if it let it and for a second, I’m thinking about running in the other direction. I don’t know where I want this relationship to go. My head and heart are saying 2 completely opposite things & I feel like puking. On one hand, he’s great, but I can’t help thinking if I’m being with this person b/c he’s the “right here, right now” guy. I don’t know if this will end up being “the one”. I’ve been in love twice in my life and well, sometimes I still feel like I haven’t gotten over them. So I think how can I let myself fall in love again? I want to be sure but I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m in the early/mid 30’s category and I’ve done all of the self-exploration. I think I know who I am and what I want. But, I don’t know if I want to get into that messy thing called love again. Thanks V for making me think! My head hurts….
on 05 Dec 2007 at 10:12 pm # Valley Girl
“A life without risk is like no life at all.”
“I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”