This happened last year, but I just told the story last night for the first time. I’m recanting it for you here, so you can make fun of me too.

I’ve never understood the drink and dial. I’ve never done this to anyone, and when people do it to me, I’m usually sleeping or so incoherent from sleep that I don’t make any sense anyway and the drunk-dialer gets irritated and hangs up.

Last festive holiday season, Sixes and Sevens summoned me to her house.

Velvet: Oh. I’m feeling miserable. I don’t wanna.
Sixes and Sevens: I think you should. And, bring a bong.
Velvet: I’m perking up now…but I don’t have a bong.
Sixes and Sevens: A pipe?
Velvet: Sadly, no.
Sixes and Sevens: Forget it. Just come over.

I trotted my ass over with Sammy and Thora in tow. Patsy was there too. I asked what the reason was that she was asking for the aforementioned paraphernalia. She nodded to her coffee table where I saw this precious little baggie of Marra-joo-wanna. Good lord. It had been years since I’d done that.

We proceeded to do what one would do with Marra-joo-wanna. I threw a couple glasses of wine in there after it, and stumbled home. (I mean, stumbled. I remember slamming into the side of a building on my walk.) When I got home, I drunkenly checked email, read some blogs, then went to bed. I did notice that I went to bed 2 full hours after I left Sixes and Seven’s house. And I did wonder, since she lives only a block from me, where that time went.

I woke up in the morning, late for work, and scrambled off to a meeting. When I had a break, I checked my email. Remember on the Simpson’s when Bart and Millhouse find $20 and buy the super squishey with extra squish, and they go on a sugar high rampage through Springfield, and Bart joins the Junior Campers? That was me. Except my “Junior Campers” came in the form of an email saying, “Dear Velvet, Thank you for subscribing to”

What. The. Fuck.

AND, it gets better. I wrote to people! The evidence was sitting in my sent folder. I am the lamest excuse for a drunk, ever. When I saw the email I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. This girl said, “Are you okay?” I said, “Um, what do you do when you get drunk?” She said, “I call people.” I said, “Apparently I join” Then she called me a geek.

Yep. I don’t drink like that anymore.