Month: May 2007

It’s funny how quickly things can change in life. This is the photographic representation of my life two months ago from today.

After 60 days thoroughly expunging, here I am now:

Much like the view of New York City is better from the outlying boroughs, the clarity I have without all these things going on around me is crystal. Sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day, that you lose sight of the big picture.

I ran several errands in Phoenix this week and quickly noticed I was being gawked at. I decided to see if any of the 8th grade dropouts with 4 chins and beer bellies Cyrano de Bergeracked a Craigslist Missed Connection for me. Sure, DC has its share of crazies on Craigslist, but the Phoenix peeps seem to use their Missed connections for an entirely different purpose.

Me thinks Jordan Baker will like these.

1: You were a dancer we met in 2000 got pregnet and I left – m4w-34

“This has been haunting me for six years. I met you at a strip bar went home w/ you that night and after spending a week w/ you I left and went back to my wife. Not long after you got in touch w/ me and said you were pregnant I hung up and never heard from you again. Please in the name of god let me find you I have been looking for six years and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. My name is Thomas brooks Allen and I miss you! Please if by the one in a million chance you get this email me back and I will be on my way…All of my heart, Thomas.”

What is pregnet? Now Thomas, in addition to needing some serious spelling lessons, you believed a stripper? You really think you are the father of this child, even if it does exist? And now you are planning on leaving your wife (again) for a stripper. Wow dude. You need help.

2: Wake/Viewing – Uncle Gypsy – m4w – 31

“I meet you at the wake on Monday, you are from Cali. I thought you were so pretty and I felt this mutual attraction”

Okay, I swear I’m not making these ads up. I wonder what the opener was, “Hey, if I stand next to the casket at a 3/4 angle, does it make my ass look fat?”

3: sierra are you there? Phoenix1971 – m4w – 36

“missed you online today. don’t want to bother you at work …but maybe i’ll stop in for a few minutes to see what you do.”

Stalker! DO NOT show up at her job!

4: Monday evening – m4w

“I waited to hear from you all weekend to see if you wanted to come over last night between 6:45 and 9 or 9:30. Did you have a change in mind or decide to go in a different direction? I even cleaned the house and changed the linen.”

Okay, so she doesn’t want to spend the weekend with you, then gives you a pretty long window of when she may show up on Monday night? And you changed the linens! Aww! I guess you were planning to have sex. She wasn’t though. Or at least not with you.

5: Still missing you – m4w – 39

“God I want to cry! I miss you so much I can’t get you out of my head! Why? Why can’t I let you go! What is wrong with me! I think about you night and day! I want you back so bad yet I know the abuse you hurled on upon me was killing me but yet I still dream about you. I wake up in the morning expecting to be next to you but no such luck. I am your slave. You are still my one my only my always and forever. I love you with all my heart and soul.”

Huh. Poor dude.

Today I did something I never do. I went to Wal-Mart. Three times actually. First time I forgot my wallet. Second time I forgot to buy half the shit I needed.

Third time I got it all as well as this mighty gem of a picture.

Today’s roll-back special? The Do-It-Yourself divorce kit, clearance price: $3.00.

I don’t know why their tails are down. They were staring at the remnants of a ghost town. It’s not like it’s scary or anything. There was no one there but us, which worked out well for me when I had to use a makeshift potty. Curses to big gulps and parts of the country with restrooms every 100 miles.

And we saw the Rio Grande. But we didn’t cross. I’m sure you can guess where we are. We’re trying to work out a plan where we don’t have to go back to D.C. Ever.

Wait…not slightly. TOTALLY Intoxicated.

Okay. Here we are. Next night of debauchery. Cowboys in Dallas Texas. No, not boys. Cowboys as in the BAR. Let’s do an inventory:

Pacifico’s: 3

Pina Colada’s: 2

Bud Light: 3

Shots of Whiskey: 1

Yep. I suck. But, it is long overdue. Tomorrow I will be in Las Cruces. So I’m not sure if drunken blogging will occur. But, I’ll try.