Last night, 2:25 a.m., at La Casa Velvet:

Operator: Hello, 311, Dispatcher blah blah blah blah.
Velvet: Hello. I’m located at {this address} in Northwest. The bar across the street at {this address} just closed and let all these loud drunks out in the street. Can you explain to me why the cops are at 7-11 all damn day reading the paper, and yet, when the bars close and all these idiots crowd the streets having fights, smashing bottles and screaming, the cops are no where to be found?
Operator: Um…so do you have a complaint?
Velvet: YES. I WANT YOU TO SEND SOME COPS OVER HERE AND I WANT THESE PEOPLE TO GET THE HELL OFF THE STREETS. IT’S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!!!
Operator: We’ll send the next available car.

So, about 5 minutes later, the blue and red lights filled my bedroom. Fucking great. I get up and look out the window. Three cops blocked off the street, a fire engine arrived and an ambulance about 5 minutes after. They had four guys on the sidewalk for quite some time. I got tired of watching and went to bed. My real question remains: Where the fuck are they when they are needed most? I mean, every night at 2 a.m., 3 a.m. on weekends, the bars close. And every night the drunks pour out into the street smashing shit, damaging cars and making noise. Yet, they haven’t figured out it’s a time and place to target. Interesting.

On that note, let me continue in the same vein with some cop tidbits gathered from the past month of keeping a close eye on D.C.’s finest.

Due to the crime emergency, the boys in blue had been swarming the city in mass numbers. I was quite happy to see this actually. It’s nice to know that a cop should be right around the corner in case you need them. I made it my business to talk to every one that I could, just to see what they had to say. It was pretty fun actually - a great experiment.

1) I spy a cop riding in circles on his bike in an alley.
Velvet: Officer? Are you okay?
Cop: Yeah, It’s too hot to stand still and I’m just killing time until my shift is over.

Awesome.

2) I walk smack into a cop on a blind corner at 19th Street, north of the circle. I have my unleashed dogs with me. I’m expecting some shit about it.
Cop: Good Evening.
Velvet: Wow. They really have you on every corner, don’t they?
Cop: Yeah, do you feel safer? (With a dash of sarcasm and smirk on face.)
Velvet: Well, I would if your coworkers would….
Cop: Weren’t assholes?
Velvet: That wasn’t quite the word I was going to use, but it fits.
Cop: I’ve been on this force 30 years. I know how it works.

Huh.

3) Minding my business walking the dogs, some crazy person slams into me on purpose on his bike. I fly forward for a second and say, “God DAMN!” He says, “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!” Ok. Now, I was really okay, but I wanted to test the crime emergency response time. After giving my info to 311 (twice mind you) they said they would send out a car and asked if I could wait. I said, “Yeah, if it doesn’t take them three days.” I hung up and called the Queen of Quantity to tell her I would be late for dinner. As she was responding, I hear sirens and see two cop cars screeching down the road and they stop right in front of me. The first guy asks if I’m okay, and do I need an ambulance. (I might…because I think I’m hallucinating. Where am I? The bizarro world??) The second car has two hotties (Well HeLLO officers, are you transplants from another city?) who seem incredibly interested in my situation. They take the description and go off in search of a crazy man, slamming into pedestrians with his bicycle.

4) Since some of you peeps told me that I have to register my mace with the cops, I saw some cops sitting in a car in my neighborhood. I walked up to the car and asked about that. One of the cops was sleeping in the car. The officer who was awake said, “You could go up to V Street and register it, but I wouldn’t worry about it.” Okay. Fine with me. Hope Lucinda over there is having a great dream.

5) Looking in my condo docs for something, condo docs written 20 years ago mind you, I stumble across this gem. “In case of emergency, call 911, though it would be faster to run to 7-11 to look for a cop since they are usually hanging out there.”

Fun shit I tell you.