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D.C. Cops (and 311) Suck Ass Part 5

Last night, 2:25 a.m., at La Casa Velvet:

Operator: Hello, 311, Dispatcher blah blah blah blah.
Velvet: Hello. I’m located at {this address} in Northwest. The bar across the street at {this address} just closed and let all these loud drunks out in the street. Can you explain to me why the cops are at 7-11 all damn day reading the paper, and yet, when the bars close and all these idiots crowd the streets having fights, smashing bottles and screaming, the cops are no where to be found?
Operator: Um…so do you have a complaint?
Velvet: YES. I WANT YOU TO SEND SOME COPS OVER HERE AND I WANT THESE PEOPLE TO GET THE HELL OFF THE STREETS. IT’S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!!!
Operator: We’ll send the next available car.

So, about 5 minutes later, the blue and red lights filled my bedroom. Fucking great. I get up and look out the window. Three cops blocked off the street, a fire engine arrived and an ambulance about 5 minutes after. They had four guys on the sidewalk for quite some time. I got tired of watching and went to bed. My real question remains: Where the fuck are they when they are needed most? I mean, every night at 2 a.m., 3 a.m. on weekends, the bars close. And every night the drunks pour out into the street smashing shit, damaging cars and making noise. Yet, they haven’t figured out it’s a time and place to target. Interesting.

On that note, let me continue in the same vein with some cop tidbits gathered from the past month of keeping a close eye on D.C.’s finest.

Due to the crime emergency, the boys in blue had been swarming the city in mass numbers. I was quite happy to see this actually. It’s nice to know that a cop should be right around the corner in case you need them. I made it my business to talk to every one that I could, just to see what they had to say. It was pretty fun actually – a great experiment.

1) I spy a cop riding in circles on his bike in an alley.
Velvet: Officer? Are you okay?
Cop: Yeah, It’s too hot to stand still and I’m just killing time until my shift is over.

Awesome.

2) I walk smack into a cop on a blind corner at 19th Street, north of the circle. I have my unleashed dogs with me. I’m expecting some shit about it.
Cop: Good Evening.
Velvet: Wow. They really have you on every corner, don’t they?
Cop: Yeah, do you feel safer? (With a dash of sarcasm and smirk on face.)
Velvet: Well, I would if your coworkers would….
Cop: Weren’t assholes?
Velvet: That wasn’t quite the word I was going to use, but it fits.
Cop: I’ve been on this force 30 years. I know how it works.

Huh.

3) Minding my business walking the dogs, some crazy person slams into me on purpose on his bike. I fly forward for a second and say, “God DAMN!” He says, “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!” Ok. Now, I was really okay, but I wanted to test the crime emergency response time. After giving my info to 311 (twice mind you) they said they would send out a car and asked if I could wait. I said, “Yeah, if it doesn’t take them three days.” I hung up and called the Queen of Quantity to tell her I would be late for dinner. As she was responding, I hear sirens and see two cop cars screeching down the road and they stop right in front of me. The first guy asks if I’m okay, and do I need an ambulance. (I might…because I think I’m hallucinating. Where am I? The bizarro world??) The second car has two hotties (Well HeLLO officers, are you transplants from another city?) who seem incredibly interested in my situation. They take the description and go off in search of a crazy man, slamming into pedestrians with his bicycle.

4) Since some of you peeps told me that I have to register my mace with the cops, I saw some cops sitting in a car in my neighborhood. I walked up to the car and asked about that. One of the cops was sleeping in the car. The officer who was awake said, “You could go up to V Street and register it, but I wouldn’t worry about it.” Okay. Fine with me. Hope Lucinda over there is having a great dream.

5) Looking in my condo docs for something, condo docs written 20 years ago mind you, I stumble across this gem. “In case of emergency, call 911, though it would be faster to run to 7-11 to look for a cop since they are usually hanging out there.”

Fun shit I tell you.

39 Comments

  1. La Whisky

    Hot cops??? I think my libido might be back…

  2. homeimprovementninja

    Crime emergency? Is that why the Chief of Police left for a week long Caribean Cruise?

    I guess they don’t teach leadership at the Academy, Chief Ramsey!

  3. jordanbaker

    I kind of heart the cop in scenario 2.

    Thought of you last week: there was this woman in the gym locker room who kept talking about how she needed to get a move on. I went into the sauna, she was sitting on the couch watching Lifetime. Came out, she’s on the couch. Showered, she’s on the couch. Put on my face, dried my hair, etc.. . .she doesn’t move. And she keeps going on and on about how lazy she feels and how she needs to get going. . .

    . . .so we’re making chit-chat while I tape up my toe, and it comes out that she’s a cop. And it was all I could do not to say “I should’ve guessed,” or something along those lines.

  4. Bill

    It’s good to have Crimefighter Velvet back on the scene. But I have to agree that item 3 does include some Bizarro World elements. The bit about the hotties taking an interest in your situation (you) rings true, but this business of sirens and screeching tires? A little bit of pre-dinner drug use, perhaps?

    Re the bar patrons: you should design a Crimefighter Velvet logo and project it down onto the street when the bars close. Let ’em know that they’re in Velvet’s Dupont.

  5. NR

    Man, can you imagine Velvet in a spandex super hero’s outfit? A Cosmo in one hand and a Yuengling in the other, kicking the shit out of noisy drunks and crazy cyclists with Tae-Bo!

    “Holy hotness, Batman. That’s going to leave a mark!”

  6. I-66

    311.

    Strange. I thought you were more likely to get help from 411.

  7. V

    Called in the police, huh, poor little hipsters and/or homos 🙁

  8. Velvet

    V – No, it wasn’t hipsters and homos. It was a totally different crowd than the Townhouse usually sees. Not one hipster in the bunch.

    I66 – Here in the District, we also have the useless 311 for non-emergency. It’s just as much of a joke as 911.

    NR – I’ll take the Yuengling, but not that cosmo.

    Bill – I think they were putting on an extra good show during the “crime emergency.”

    JordanBaker – Ugh! Aggravating, isn’t it? She’s watching some woman get beat by her husband on Lifetime and she should really be out on the streets stopping it from happening in real life.

    Ninja – Groan.

    La Whisky – Well, hot for D.C. standards. That cool you off at all? I’m talkin’ 8’s on a scale of 1-10.

  9. AlieMalie

    wow.

    i’m with La Whisky – hot cops? yum.

    sounds rather frustrating. i can’t believe some fuckwit slammed into you a bike. he’s lucky he’s still in possession of his balls.

  10. Lonnie Bruner

    But loud drunks aren’t the cops’ fault, are they? Honestly, your issue might be with living in the city.

    I’ve lived in Adams Morgan going on 7 years and live right on the main thoroughfare from the bars to the Metro and what you described sounds like what happens in front of my apartment three times a week. Not once have I called the cops, because I know that’s just what living here means.

    Seriously, Velvet darling, I’m not trying to be a snarky-ass dick here. Just making a point. 😉

  11. Velvet

    Um…..Lonnie….isn’t disorderly conduct and vandalism the job of the cops to protect the rest of us from? Normally the cops drive through the neighborhood with the lights going during bar closing times to make their presence known. That’s sort of slacked off in the last few months. If they can be out there all day getting slurpees and reading the paper, they can swing by at night. And you know most of the crime happens in A.M. at 3 when the bars let out, right? They had to beef up the cops over there for that purpose. Anyway, last night was especially bad.

    AlieMalie – The bike guy was nuts. Best I could have done was maced him, but even then, knowing how they are around here, I’d probably end up in handcuffs.

  12. Nikki

    Yummy, hot boys in uniform, I love hot boys in uniforms……*wipes drool off keyboard*

    I HATE noisy people in my neighbourhood in the wee hours of the morning when I have to get up for work! We have 311 here too and yes, it is a joke here too!

  13. NR

    I meant the magazine. That’s why I capitalized it. You’re a drunk but I never figured you for a two fister. I guess I should have said Hustler or Lesbian Cheerleader Squad 13 but I wasn’t thinking.

  14. Lonnie Bruner

    Velvet,

    I understand your point, but you seem to be unnecessarily stressing yourself out over stuff that’s just par-for-the-course city bullshit.

    Wait a sec, I was walking home past that 7-11 (Columbia & 20th, right?) at 3AM last night, coming home from the Tabard. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary …

  15. Velvet

    Lonnie – Wrong 7-11. I sent you an email. I do get pissed when the people who don’t live here, come here and trash our neighborhood with their late night drunk antics. My dogs have gotten cut from more fucking broken bottles than anything else…Broken bottles that I guarantee were recently held in the hand of an asshole who doesn’t live in the area and doesn’t care what sort of mess they make.

    NR – That just made me choke on my salad. Funny!

    Nikki – We don’t typically have hot boys in uniform here. This was a shocker.

  16. Lonnie Bruner

    Velvet,

    I’m with you on that one.

  17. Velvet

    Finally!

    Getting Lonnie Bruner’s approval is about as hard as Bill Clinton’s dick when an intern hops by.

    Oops.

  18. Upper Middle Class Black Woman

    Can we go back to the sex Q&As with your boss? Because you’ve GOT To be kidding me.
    You’re like that crazy old lady who’s been in some big old house and has “seen the neighborhood change.”
    “It ain’t what it used to be,” she says, with two winks. You live in Dupont/Adams area? Get over it — wanna live in a cool neighborhood — you gotta deal with the drunks.
    Never understood people who shell out tons of mooney to live in a posh neighborhood — that’s posh because it’s a destination — and then bellyache about the drunks. Don’t like it — move to Reston.

  19. Velvet

    Jesus Christ woman. You are full of non-stop bitching at me. If people were smashing bottles and knocking over newspaper machines in front of your bedroom window, you would call the police too. And guess what? I don’t write for you. I write for me. Frankly, I don’t really care what you want to hear about. Christ. Get a life.

  20. NR

    UMCBW- You have to be kidding me. just because you live somewhere where people get drunk doesn’t mean that you should have to put up with yelling and broken glass. Say you live in an apartment. Say your neighbor is me, and I’m a hands down alcoholic. Just because I drink in my apartment doesn’t mean you should have to listen to me screaming the lyrics to some Stone Roses song at 3am.

    Don’t get me started on broken glass. If I had a dog that got hurt because some toolbox couldn’t make it all the way to a trash can to dispose of his trash there would be a problem. A “I shove shards of broken glass in some drunk’s eyes” kind of problem.

  21. marie

    this is like the story that never ends.. and i love it!
    soon you’ll need a separate category in your sidebar dedicated only to stories about DC Cops..
    keep your experiment/research going and don’t pay attention to the haters (why do they keep coming here if they apparently disagree with everything you do? they need to chill the fuck out.)

  22. Velvet

    AH HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

    I just located the identity of one “Upper Middle Class Black Woman.” Oh. This is awesome. Honey, you should know better than to mess with me. Your comment of several weeks back has not been forgotten. Keep going. I dare you.

  23. Sweet

    Citizen Velvet, on patrol! Love it.

  24. Living in Dupont

    I think the last tidbit was the best – though I have to admit, the idea of there actually being hot cops in DC? If it’s a trend, it may be one that needs some serious, time consuming, entirely enjoyable research.

  25. playfulindc

    I think Lucinda is in my Theatre Appreciation class.

    She sleeps there, too.

    Funny shit.

  26. Sharkbait

    There is always something right?

    You can’t even make this shit up. Seriously.

  27. Old Lady

    We’ve got good hot cops down here and they are on the ball!!

  28. scarlet

    “Hello, real cops?”

  29. QueenofPreen

    Hilarious hijinks! Maybe the dilligent officers will nab the psychotic cyclist and one of the hot ones will stop by to alert you that it is safe to walk the streets again 😉
    PS Did you ever get setup on dontdatehimgirl.com? Just curious
    QofP

  30. Drunken Chud

    upper middle class black woman, spells too good (well) to be black. (oh snap! did he just say that?)

  31. Siryn

    Chud, take your ass-sized foot out of your mouth, ok? That is the most ignorant thing you’ve said here.

  32. Drunken Chud

    ig ·no ·rant (Ä­g’nÉ™r-É™nt)
    adj.
    1.Lacking education or knowledge.
    2.Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge: an ignorant mistake.
    3.Unaware or uninformed.

    i think what you meant to say was:

    in ·de ·cent (Ä­n-dÄ“’sÉ™nt)
    adj.
    1.Offensive to good taste; unseemly.
    2.Offensive to public moral values; immodest. See synonyms at improper.

    but here’s one for you siryn:

    hu ·mor ·less (hyÅ«’mÉ™r-lÄ­s)
    adj.
    1.Lacking a sense of humor.
    2.siryn

  33. Siryn

    I don’t give a shit, Chud. That was just tasteless.

  34. Drunken Chud

    actually, i thought it was really damn funny. so… get over yourself.

  35. Siryn

    Take your own advice, Chud.

  36. Drunken Chud

    oh snap! you got me there!

  37. Velvet

    You two lovers do know that you are the only ones going back and forth in this war, right? Just you kids…no one else. Well, of course your comments are emailed to me, and I just shake my head every time, laughing at Stubborn #1 and Stubborn #2, just trying to get the last word. I’m Greek, I’m supposed to be the stubbornest one here. Ha. I do love making up my own words.

  38. Drunken Chud

    yeah, sadly, we do realize this fact. but, you just ended it by getting the last word.

  39. Outside of D.C.

    I am with the guy on the bike because you sound like a bitch with no life. What do you do for a living? Are you always on the ball 24/7 365? Besides, what kind of worthless moron sits around losing hair over drunk people and then only has the guts to call the police.The only involvement you have is by observation and phone. At least the drunks and cops are living life. I will never be at this site again because it was a random surf-by so dont bother getting all worked up over this and calling the cops HAHAHA

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