Velvet in Dupont 03 Oct 2005 10:02 am
Today we are going to discuss internet dating. I have received quite a few responses to my profile. If you don’t want to read the comedy that follows, scroll to the bottom for my final conclusions.
Let me put the disclaimer on here that I assure you I am making none of these up. They are directly copied and pasted from my inbox. Let’s take a closer look, a la David Letterman format, the top 10 list. Gotta save the best for last.
10) Received a nice message from some giant man who lives in Columbia, about an hour from here. The title of his profile? “Prince of Coitus.” What is wrong with these people?
9) The next guy seems very nice, and the rest of his email is somewhat well written with no spelling errors. But, he’s 52. Here’s how he addresses that.
- I am a few years past the age indicated in your profile. But I still like to meet you…please,.just a coffee, may be a drink, and may be, and just may be, a short trip to Paris..!!!!
“a few years past??” I’m 32. I’ll date up to 42. Since when is 10 years past my age range only “a few.” Christ. Is my title “Looking to fill role of Child Bride?”
This guy looks normal in his pictures. Ugly, but normal. (At this point, Ugly Is The New Normal.) But in his message to me, he wrote this:
- I’m singing in a choir that’s become a lot of fun…it lets me make music on a regular basis & has become a weekly excuse for socialization with a few friends of mine and I (dinner before rehearsal, then the carpool back again).
Choir? CHOIR??? Carpool? I’m imagining one of those church vans taking a bunch of ugly men back to sing and do whatever it is those church-folk do.
7) Here’s yet another winner from profile entitled “HUH HMMM R U GONNA BE MY GIRL :)” That stupid title matches the stupid look on his face. I want so badly to post his picture.
- HI GIRLS,WELL LOOKING FORWARD TO CRUZZING AROUND HERE A BIT LOOKING FOR MY SMART ,BEAUTIFUL,CURVY,SEXY,SENSUAL,GOD FEARING LIFE TIME PARTNER IN LOVE.PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYE,S OPEN FOR ME ,I,D HATE TO THINK WE PASSED EACH OTHER LIKE SHIP,S IN THE NIGHT.WOW I CAN,T BELEIVE I JUST SAID THAT ? OK, ABOUT ME I,M A REAL GOOD LOVING ,UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSIATE, GENTILE, GIVING WHERE NEEDED WHEN I CAN KIND A MAN. I AM A TRUE ROMANIC IN EVERY SINCE OF THE WORD. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A 1 WOMAN MAN. I,M NOT NOW NOR WAS I EVER A PLAYER, MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. A PLAYER IS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF SIDISTIC BEHAVIOR IN MY OPION. I AM VERY GOOD WITH MY WOMAN AND WE JUST ADORE EACH OTHER COMPLETLY HMMMMMMM…………… THE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER,OH SO SWEET WELL I’M CERTAINLY HOPING 1 OF YOU UPSTANDING BEAUTIFUL FINE WOMEN WILL LOOK ME UP :)SINCERELY YOUR,S JIMMY, PLEASE GO IN PEACE
Note spelling errors and use of comma instead of apostrophe. How about “I am very good with my woman and we just adore each other completely” ??? Does that mean you have a woman? Because you imply that you have one who adores you already. She must be blind. And stupid. And the ships in the night comment, where did that come from? As The World Turns?
6) An “Icebreaker” as they call them, from this guy. All he said to me was “Hey how are you?” But, let’s look at his profile.
- ask me………..this is only on a one to one basis. ok ok……..they want more. i dont like this. you are going to have to take a chance. this is not like anything either one of us can imagine. not an exageration. think of your independent thinker, a chance taker, a traveler of the stars and mountains and the rippled sidewalk waves; chance meeting in a bookstore or out of the way yak trail. haha. def a sense of humor. totally irreverent. you? mmmmm……..i had a dream about you last nite. immediate clicking and tete a tete in a cafe, coffeehouse and that closness of spirits. oh its rare…both a platonic and non-platonic realm. I had another dream. NO its none of those kind. These are positive. But more about that later. Have you ever had that perfect friendship? Is your first instinct to when you meet someone, to learn more about them, or to talk about yourself? Many cosmic aspects. This is more of a living document here, doesnt it seem? (of course, successful, professional, artistic, patient and compassionate, but human and positively vulnerable, yet insatiable for your soul, one has to be) We all seek the standard answers but yet disdain the common, the everyday. Are we a victim of too many constraints. You are the person who always makes one think of unlimited possibilities, of a thrill in the heart..a secret daliance..a cant wait to sin. You do not let anything limit you. You trust and embrace, arm in arm, a glow always in your eyes. Even ……….how do i tell you more. Offer me a clue or 2. Part of my charm is what you cant put your finger on. You def must be creative in this universe and never be caught. Me? Haha…..I always ramble for a reason. I believe in a positive universe, hard work, edgery, where might you find me if you were to look?…………..stay tuned.
Be me good woman. What. The. Fuck. Can anyone make sense of that jibberish???
5) Received this from a guy in Pennsylvania who couldn’t be bothered to crop his ex-wife out of the picture. Also has kids. (In the background I hear the wrong answer buzz from Family Feud.)
- You really interest me.. I’m like 5 min. from MD and could easily take a road trip.. Don’t worry, I’m just looking for a friend first, then, we’ll see if we think it’s worth our mutual time….
Ok. I don’t even like to leave Dupont Circle. I am pissed off when I have to take the dogs to the groomer on 14th Street, a mere three blocks away. Why the fuck would I want to make a “friend” in PA? “5 minutes from Maryland” is still hours from no where. Come on!
4) Next dude just sent the form icebreaker as well. He describes himself as “a few extra pounds.” I think he needs a new mirror. I would say it’s 50-75 extra lbs by the looks of his pictures, which, by the way, I want so badly to post up here along with some of these other freaks. But, instead, I shall post a picture of his dog, and you will get the point. Dogs always end up being just like their owners. (My dogs are assholes.)
That is the fattest fucking dog I’ve ever seen in my life.
3) This one is from some nerdy guy.
- You are very cute and I dig the pics I’m kind of trying to see where a current situation of mine is going. My friend lives in Indonesia; however, that doesn’t keep me from trying to establish friends, in a non-sexual way. I am a person of integrety, honesty and compassion. At this point my friend over there is having a hard time getting a US visa. I can tell you more about it if you ask My bottom line: If you want to chat or email, or even have coffee sometime. please drop me a line.
Why would anyone bother to contact someone to tell them they have a girlfriend in another country? He cares about her enough to mention her but not enough to marry her and get her a green card? Christ, I’ll marry her at this point.
2) This guy scared me so much I didn’t even know what to do. There is no picture, but his message speaks for itself. He has since deleted his profile, but the message remains in my inbox. I’m afraid to hover my mouse over it to delete it. It’s the same apprehension I would feel at having to poke a dead body with a stick.
- The first thing you would have to do on our first date is dress down to your panties and head straight to the kitchen and whip up our meal for the night. Then we can discuss whose washing the dishes…… you make me smile when I look at you.
1) And, the piece de la resistance. Received a generic “I like your profile. Tell me more,” from someone with the following profile text. There is, of course, no picture.
- I’m looking for a Mature, Young woman (not a girl). A Woman that prefers the company and experience of an older man. She wants a Loving, Caring, and Loyal Relationship. Not looking to just play games, though Intimate Games will be very important in the Realtionship. She wants an Honest, Trusting, Loving Man that will keep her safe and secure. She knows how, and wants to please her Man in all ways. She must love Affection and Intimacy. She must love to get out and enjoy life with her Man, knowing that her Man is with Her…. I do like to RolePlay, hence the name Daddy. I do not believe in any Abuse, physical or mental…. Life is an Adventure, meant to be shared. Are you ready to Explore Life, and share the Adventures????? Write me or send me a Wink. I can write you back from my paid profile….. Now smile for me. That is very important to me……. Daddy Charlie.
Does he really think in his 54 years and “separated” status that I would write back to him? It was only yesterday to me that I was dating frat boys. I certainly don’t want to jump from that to dating men about to file for social security. And let’s not even discuss the obvious undertones in his profile that he participates in some disgusting unmentionables in the bedroom? His screen name is Daddy Charlie and the title of his profile is “daddy4lilgurl4fun.” Daddy? Please, bitch.
Prior to the internet, all these freaks were walking around out there and we unsuspecting women had no clue that they were illiterate rednecks, saddled with countless ex-wives and kids, harboring sexual fetishes unexplored with said ex-wives that they now want to live out with women half their age. I used to think dating in general was getting worse. I think now that the quality of people are the same, but the internet brings out the worst in people and those people are more than willing to show us.
Yes, I know this is a two way street and that I may be no prize either. In fact, I’m a bitch. But, this is my blog and I can write what I want. If you want to make your own blog and bitch about me then be my guest. Now for my conclusions:
Men Don’t Read
- This is the way a lot of men are re-entering the dating scene after a divorce. For me, a single woman with no baggage, these men are not viable options to me. First and foremost, I hate other people’s kids with a passion. I said “no kids” in my profile. But yet, I keep getting replies with some sort of explanation that they already have a nanny/don’t need another mother/kids are already grown.
- I have a 5 mile radius on distance in my profile. This doesn’t stop 50% of my replies coming from the hinterlands of Maryland, Virginia and Pennsyltucky.
- Many men think they are studly enough to get women half their age. Again, this is why I put an age range on my profile. I don’t care that you are 60 but “everyone tells you you look and act 45 and that’s just three years past my age range.” Your body is still 60, no matter how much you think otherwise. At best, we would only have a few years together before you retire to a trailerpark in Florida, taking your handicap parking sticker with you thereby leaving me to fend for mall parking on my own and having to relearn how to eat dinner in the non-early-bird hours of 7 p.m.
Men Are Delusional
- Women consistently describe themselves as worse looking than they are and men consistently describe themselves as much better looking than they are. I don’t know where men learn the art of self-promotion, but I am always amazed when I meet someone in person that they are shorter and much less attractive then they said they were. Brad Pitt is a 10. George Clooney is a 10. If you don’t look like that, you, my friend, are not a 10. Don’t pretend that you are.