Month: July 2005

Friday night Sara and I came back from Adam’s Morgan and found a great parking spot on 17th Street, right in front of my building. There was one problem though. This stupid cabbie double parked where we needed to pull the car so that we could back in. So Sara ends up pulling in forward like George Costanza’s nemesis on Seinfeld and this guy on the sidewalk who looks incredibly like Tim McGraw helps us. It took forever, but don’t let anyone tell you that pulling in forward can’t work. It sure takes a long time, but it is possible.

So we get out of the car and Sara wants to buy Tim McGraw a drink. Nothing against him, but I wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to hang out with my neighbors and watch t.v. Anyway, Sara went with him and then they went out again on last night. I had noticed when we met him that he has long fingernails, which is something you don’t really see on a guy. But in Dupont Circle, well, it’s kind of the norm to see things out of the norm. I asked Sara about the long fingernails today. Here’s a re-enactment of that conversation.

Sara: “I didn’t know that you noticed his fingernails were long.”
Me: “How could you miss?”
Sara: “Well, he said he just needs to cut them and he hasn’t gotten around to it in a while.”
Me: “That’s just odd for a guy. I’m suspicious that he might be bi.”
Sara: “Really? Well he said he keeps his pinky nails long anyway.”
Me: “Why? Is he into coke?”
Sara: “No, but he said people always ask him that. He isn’t.”
Me: “So why does he do it?”
Sara: “I don’t want to tell you. You’re going to think it’s gross.”
(I think that anything having to do with unclean hands is gross.)
Me: “Tell me.”
Sara: “He uses them to clean his ears. He doesn’t believe in Q-Tips.”
Me: “This conversation is over.”
Sara: “I never should have told you. Now you are going to tell everyone.”
Me: “Hell yeah I am, and I’m going to post it on the blog.”

Haven’t heard from BoyFace. He must be VERY busy waiting for a phone call from a woman who is never going to call. Ok, won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Here it goes, the summation of yesterday’s pow wow, in email form. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Keep in mind, he’s in BOLD.

I’ll give you all some time to digest this. Then I’ll post what he wrote to me, and we can compare notes and realize what an asshole he is.

On 07/28/2005 10:47 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Yes, your pictures are really nice (I admit it) but it’s actually what you wrote that had me smiling and made me want to write (It’s a good thing I can read). I would love to know more about you. BoyFace

On 07/28/2005 04:53 pm EDT:
Hi yourself.
What would you like to know?

On 07/28/2005 05:54 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Do you live here in the city, or are you just staying in your summer house until you fly back to Paris to model for the new Fall Catalogs and more “cheesy” photos?(They didn’t look cheesy – they looked like you were having fun) Are you originally from here? School here? What do you do now? Your profile said you work in entertainment. It must involve writing, because I’m still smiling from what you wrote.And I know why I’m on the Yahoo personals…I’m just wondering what you’re doing here. BoyFace

On 07/28/2005 06:04 pm EDT:
Hi again,

Well, I’m here because I’m tired of the bar scene. Why are you here? Have you been doing it long? Have you had any luck. I haven’t met anyone in person yet, have you?

On 07/29/2005 10:18 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi…I’m here because I think most people are more comfortable getting to know someone this way, more willing to ask questions, find it easier to answer. I wrote in my profile that whenever I go out with friends, I always hear women asking eachother where all the good guys are, and I have to laugh when they do that because I’m usually sitting at the next table, or I’m standing in line right in front of them, but if you try to say hi or even make eye contact, they’re just too shy. Maybe it’s easier for them to see guys like me here instead of out there.But I haven’t been doing this very long, just a couple of weeks. I’ve looked at the profiles before and I finally decided to do this because I see people like you that intrigue me and I wonder what they’re like, so I put my picture in and I wrote something about myself. A lot of people want to meet in person, but I’ve only done that once. She was nice but there wasn’t any chemistry. I’m very drawn to confidence and if someone makes me laugh, I’m interested.

On 07/29/2005 10:36 am EDT:
Hi.

I’m not sure about meeting people this way. I’ve done it a couple times but it with various results. I’ve got a lot of freaks over here, but we’ll see how it all shakes out. I don’t plan to do it for very long, that’s for sure. I’m very wary of the whole thing. And I usually meet enough people in my day to day life anyway.

So what makes for good chemistry for you? How do you end things with someone when there isn’t? I’ve never been good at coming right out and saying “this isn’t working” but usually that doesn’t need to happen. They usually get it by my behaviors. It’s sort of hard to talk to people like this and there’s all this buildup and you go out. What did you do when it wasn’t right?

D

On 07/29/2005 10:59 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi.Wow. It sounds like you’ve had the same problems with people. I definitely don’t want to do the personals thing much longer. I would rather meet people in person, but some of the people that have responded to my profile are scary, so I haven’t.I have a hard time also telling someone that it’s just not going to work out. I don’t think I’m any better at it.I think physical attraction is that initial thing that brings two people together, and makes them want to take that chance and say something, but after that, you either click or you don’t. I think something happens and you just know, or you feel that you want to know this person more. Like when I saw your pictures, the modeling ones were nice (and I’m sure you get a lot of messages), but what made me read more about you were the two where you weren’t modeling. So I was drawn in, and then I read what you wrote. Usually, I get to someone’s profile and you can tell there’s nothing original, nothing worth pursuing. They say things like, “My friends tell me that I’m cute and funny!” Give me a break. But I read your “More about me” and I was laughing and wanting to know more about you, and it was nice, because I usually do more responding than contacting.

On 07/29/2005 11:15 am EDT:
Hi,

Those other two pictures are from Glamour Shots. So they are awful to me too but it’s all I have. Like I said, I meet a lot of people in my normal daily life and people are always setting me up, but this is something that I can control a little better. There’s nothing like being on a bad blind date or something, then having to go back and tell your friends he had spinach stuck in his teeth the whole time.

I agree on the physical attraction stuff as well, but that’s so hard to peg online. You really do have to meet in person. By the way, do you have a fake leg or a glass eye? I once dated a guy with a fake leg and we were walking down a beach and he got stuck in the sand.

I’m guessing that you never told the girl you met that there was no chemistry – or did she have no chemistry with you either? That would be easiest of course.

D

On 07/29/2005 11:57 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
I’m still laughing…I’m just picturing you walking down the beach with this guy and you’re talking to him and looking out at the horizon and having a nice time, and then you realize that you’ve been talking and walking by yourself for awhile because he’s still back there stuck in the sand. Sorry, now I feel bad. I’m sure he was a nice guy. No, I don’t have a fake leg…or a glass eye…and I know the rule about eating spinach on a first date. :)Do you really think that the other two pictures of you are ‘awful’?I don’t. And no, it was hard to tell her that there was no chemistry, but I usually do. I beleive in being honest when I think someone can handle it or when you’ve gotten to know someone and you both have something invested in eachother, then definitely, but if you just met and there is no connection, I just hope that the other person gets it. What do you do? And do you think that you would ever go out with someone from the personals again?What if we make a deal? If we ever decide to meet in person, we’ll just be up front with eachother and if either of us really does have a fake leg or a glass eye or spinach between our teeth or we realize that there just isn’t any chemistry, then we’ll just agree that it’s not going to work out. 🙂 But I don’t go on first dates expecting to fall head over heels (don’t get me wrong. That would be amazing). Instead, I just go to have a good time with someone that I think I want to get to know better. No expectations. That makes what ever happens even better. I think if we ever did decide to hang out in person, that we would at least spend the whole time making eachother laugh and comparing stories.

On 07/29/2005 12:13 pm EDT:
Hi,

Yes, the beach thing was funny after the fact. Not while it was happening though. He lost his leg in a shark attack if you can believe that. Well, I’m not sure what it was, a baby shark, fish with teeth or what, but he was on vacation when it happened, which was a year before I met him. It was an interesting relationship to say the least.

There’s something to be said for honesty, and it’s a good rule of thumb to be honest from the start, even if it’s to tell someone there’s no chemistry. Unfortunately for me, more people end up having chemistry with me than I do with them. It makes it tricky, but I usually just come out and tell them like you did. So we’re off to a good start, you and me. 🙂

I haven’t gone out with anyone from yahoo this time, but last time I tried I did and it didn’t go well. But, yes, of course I would try it again. Honestly, I’m getting bombarded with emails, but most of them, if they are even worth answering, peter out in a few exchanges. You’ve definitely piqued my interest.

I have a boring job. Telecom sales. But I have lots of free time to do whatever I need to during the day.

How long does it take you to decide if you do want to hang out with someone in person? 🙂 And yes, it does sound like it would be fun. By the way, you are very attractive.

Diane

On 07/29/2005 02:05 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Thank you. I’ve been thinking the same thing about you. I just figured that everyone you talk to probably focuses on how attractive you are and not on getting to know who you are or what matters to you, and I’m really interested, so I didn’t tell you yet that I think you are very attractive (I do). I guess I was caught up in our conversation, and wanted to know more about you.I think I know fairly early when I want to hang out with someone in person (or when I don’t). I’ll tell you a secret…I knew that you would be very cool to hang out with after our first couple of messages to eachother, but I’m not in a hurry. Usually, someone will write to me and we spend awhile talking about work or how long we’ve lived in DC or what we do on the weekends. I think you are the first person I’ve talked to where we skipped all of that. It’s nice. What you’ve written is smart and funny and engaging. And I love talking to someone that can look at things from a different angle and isn’t shy about what they think. That is why I decided to finally do the personals thing, but I didn’t really expect to meet someone like you.I’m sorry your job is boring, but I was imagining getting a call from you and I laughed thinking that we would probably end up talking for an hour…I wish I had more time for myself during the day. BoyFace

On 07/29/2005 03:03 pm EDT:
Hi BoyFace,

Well, you seem to be finding enough time to write to me today, so I guess you have a bit of free time, right? Speaking of which, what do you do for work?

You’ve decided you would like to hang out with me but you are not in a hurry? Hmm. Ok, I’ll take that. Should I date other men between now and then or should I hold out for you? 🙂

I’ll bet you would like talking to me! I have been told I have a sexy voice. It helps in telecom. What kind of conversation would we have? I have to admit that I enjoy talking to you too, but some of what you say does sound like you are feeding me a line. I can only wonder how many other unsuspecting women you’ve wooed with your charms! It’s ok though. I’ll blow them all away!

What else? Sports you play? Volleyball on the Mall? Go to a gym? Like baseball? Play poker? I don’t do any of that really except volleyball. And I run. Usually 4-5 miles a day but not today – too rainy.

Any good plans this weekend?

Diane

On 07/29/2005 04:32 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi Diane,I didn’t mean that I’m not in a hurry to meet you. I would definitely like to hang out with you. 🙂 Feel free to date other men between now and then. :)I’ve been told I have a sexy voice also. Hmmm. Maybe I should go into telecomm sales. For now though, I work downtown. I’m sorry that some of what I’ve said sounds like lines, but I meant what I said. You’ll just have to see for yourself. :)I live in Foggy Bottom near Georgetown, and when I’m not at work I box at a gym downtown and run at night when I get home from work (but probably not tonight). Surprisingly, I have no plans this weekend. You caught me when I’ll be all by myself. :)I would really like to call you, but if you feel more comfortable I can give you my number…BoyFace

On 07/29/2005 04:47 pm EDT:
Hi there,

Boxing….rrrrrrr….very sexy. No plans? How could someone as sweet and good looking as you not have any plans. I don’t believe that.

Sure, give me your number. I’ll call you. My phone has a perm. block on it because of work. We don’t give out our numbers. Funny huh? Well, not that I can’t give it to you, but I will come up as “No Name” or “Private”.

Unfortunately, I do have some plans this weekend. But now I’m thinking that I would like to just meet you. 🙂

On 07/29/2005 05:21 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
D,My # is (deleted). I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Velvet Commentary:

This mofo never said we had no chemistry. The closest he came was, “Wow Velvet, you’re so amazing. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. I’m blown away.” Yup, I really caught that hint that he had no chemistry.

We’ve had an incredible turn of events over here in dating-land. It seems that BoyFace, Mr. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before in my life Velvet” is out cruising the personals looking for yet more girls. Aren’t I enough?? I mean, come on, really. BoyFace sent my good friend Diane an email today. Unfortunately for me, he said the exact same things to her that he said to me. Interesting. And unfortunately for him, Diane is my friend. She used some ridiculous pictures of the most beautiful girl she could find. This is great.

Armed with this information, I went to Mercury Grill last night to have a drinky-poo with Sara, Blondie, Boston and BestGuyFriend-M. When they asked me how I was and I told them what was going on, the night unveiled an amazing amount of ideas. They are so excited to have some fun with this fucker. As am I. As is Diane. She has been writing back to BoyFace. And he’s got these canned phrases that he says that are such BULLSHIT! Some of what he’s saying to her is even my cute cheeky little vocabulary. Take for instance my liberal use of the phrase, “I have a secret to tell you.” He fucking used that on her! Damn! Macking on my lines now. How could I be so stupid to believe all of his crap? I might have to resign from the dating world. I’m REALLY bad at this. But, I’m going to start posting all the exchanges so you can read them. They are too too too hilarious.

The GreekFreak called me last night but I was out and the sounds of the bar and the music were too much to deal with so it gave me a great excuse to say “Listen, I’m out, can I call you back?” I will call back…uh….never.

Read the title of today’s blog again. It’s funny. I can’t stop giggling. It’s on. Let’s roll.

I didn’t mention that I slept at BoyFace’s house on Monday night. I have to stop reading too much into this. He’s busy and I’m being a freak but I said my part about what the hell is going on and he said his about school being nuts for another week and well, there you have it. Spent all night talking again. Yes! Talking! No details you fuckers because I like him and details aren’t funny when you really like someone. Now, on to details about people I don’t like.

The Hungarian called me today. He said that I’d been wavering up until this point but it seems that now I am showing no interest in him so he’s going to stop bothering me. Great. What? I didn’t realize I was being duplicitous. Or perhaps it’s just another case of men only hearing what they want to hear. In either case, I think this chapter is closed.

I have got to figure out how to get out of this dating service from Hell. Damn my brother and sister-in-law. They thought this would be so fun. So did I. In case I haven’t covered this, and I don’t think I have, my sister-in-law got me into this crazy It’s Just Lunch thing. She was going to give it to our other brother for Christmas but we told her not to because he would never go and he has a girlfriend anyway. The pretense of this is that you have these lunch dates with people. The reality is that it’s a fucking nightmare. And it lapsed for so long that I forgot about it, but then they just loaded me up with three dates in one week. Fine by me, I want out of this thing. But apparently you can’t get out. It’s like the Hotel California, hence today’s title. You can’t get any money back, you can’t transfer, you can’t do squat.

Friday they set me up with the Lawyer guy. Yesterday they set me up with the GreekFreak, who came all the way from Baltimore and had a few screws loose. He was probably twice my age (so, 44) and he was making me uncomfortable. When he ordered his food he was like Sally in “When Harry Met Sally” asking for everything dry and on the side. The waiter was like, “Ok, ok” and didn’t seem fazed by this. But then the guy calls the waiter a name like, “Fucker” under his breath when the waiter walked away. He says to me, “I’m really very low maintenance.” Yeah, sure. Then, he started talking about strippers and lap dances and I’m like, “What? Where am I?” This dude had his foot in his mouth so far that I could only see his kneecap. Then he told me he just moved out of his parents house but that he still goes there every night for dinner. DUDE!! You are like 45 years old, what the FUCK are you doing?? I should have been like, “That’s great. Did I tell you about my latest yeast infection?”

The funniest part of this whole event was that damn Sara and another friend of ours came to the restaurant where I was, sat at the bar, and sent me text messages the whole time. The unfunny part is that they told EVERYONE at the bar what was going on and so when I took a break to feed the meter, I crawled by the bar where The Greek Freak wouldn’t see so I could talk to the girls. Everyone at that bar was staring at me. I used to lead a drama free life. Le Sigh.

I called the fuckers at It’s Just Lunch, HELL Division, and said, “Look, can I transfer this thing to someone else?” They said no. I asked what my other options were. There are none. I hate them. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to bother with anyone but BoyFace right now. I’m bad at multi-tasking. If it doesn’t work with him and I have to go back to the drawing board, then so be it. Hopefully they will leave me alone for a while. I’m more than a third of the way through my obligation with them. I suppose I could always tell them to fuck off, to stop setting me up and to keep their money. And I’m sure they would be glad to do that. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time someone said that to them.

Holy Moly is it hot out there. This summer has been unrelenting. I just came home at 9:30 and damn it, it is still 95 degrees out there. Complain complain. In six months I’ll be doing the same bitching, but it will be today’s temperature less 90 degrees and I’ll be crying about having to walk Sammy (the love of my life) when it’s 5 degrees outside.

Drum Roll Please……..Today, you are getting a huge treat. I decided in all my infinite funniness, that we should take a look at the lives of a smattering of my ex-boyfriends lives after the departure of Velvet. Here are their various claims to fame from entirely after we broke up.

• TheCop (also known as “CrazyCop” to some of you): We were together in 1994. After we broke up, he was accused of sexual harrassment by a woman he pulled over and he was subsequently thrown off the police force. It made the front page of the paper. Mom said, “Velvet, you really know how to pick ’em.”
• AlwaysDrunk: (also in 1994) Why I fell in love with this fucker I have no idea. After he publicly dumped me for the town whore, he was rumored to have slept with his ex-girlfriend from before me. Only she had slept with some electrician dude who gave her the herps. So, there’s a pretty good chance that AlwaysDrunk has the gift that keeps on giving.
• AtlantaBoy: (too many years to remember, but the breakup occured in 2003.) Became a meth addict and lost our dog. Then threatened my life in a voicemail.
• RockStar: (2004) Said the thought of breaking up with me made him sick to his stomach. But then in lieu of any real comfort from another relationship, he hooked up his webcam and his massively large penis became infamous online. He has a “following.”
• Redneck: (2001 on a “break” with AtlantaBoy) Moved back to Richmond to work things out with a wife he hates. Still calls me whenever he gets drunk to tell me he loves me. Who doesn’t?
• HighSchoolBF: (1991-3) High school boyfriend who worked at a gas station in my hometown as a mechanic. Can anyone do the math on how long ago we dated? If you said 12-14 years ago, you are right. Now, guess what? He still works in that same gas station. Oh, the future I missed out on…
• NewYorkItalian: (on and off for a while, but mostly in 1996) The only ex that I have a good relationship with. I ended things when I was at his apartment and he pretended to have diarrhea. But he took his cordless phone into the bathroom with him so he could call his ex-girlfriend back who had called when I was sitting there on the couch. Last time I saw him he flat out asked me to have sex with him. It was fucking cold in New York though, way too cold to take my boots off so that didn’t happen.

How depressing. My life is a mess. Or, looking on the bright side, the mere misfortune of a man losing Velvet in his life results in all sorts of casualties.

Well, it’s almost July 31. For those of you who don’t know me well, you have no idea that July 31 kicks off my 90 day countdown to the best holiday ever – Halloween. I am now accepting suggestions for a Halloween Costume. Little Miss Muffet went off great last year, but since I bought it in a store (EEK!) there were other Little Miss Muffets out there. I need to be the only one of whatever I decide. I just watched Moulin Rouge. Would being a showgirl be too generic? I love how they dress. I need to look into that a little more.

Please email suggestions asap. My ideas so far are the showgirl or Jenna Jameson. That’s all I got.

I made it through the class yesterday without passing out. And let me tell you all, everyone there thought I had ridden before. No one believed me that I hadn’t. All I can assume is that spending 6 years with my long term ex (who we’ll call AtlantaBoy since that’s where we lived) and his biker family that I picked up a few things. So I’m well on my way. I really never thought it could be so much multi-tasking riding a motorcycle, but it is.

The Hungarian called me when I was in class yesterday. I listened to his message – he wanted to know if I wanted to come over to his place and sit by the pool. Yes, that was just what I needed, to lay out with him on my case. I didn’t call back right away. I layed out in my courtyard and fucking fell asleep! I was really tired from the class. So I woke up incredibly tan and went back inside. I called him back and got voicemail (couldn’t have planned that any better) and said I just wanted to stay home after being out all day. He called back and said “I’m not going to stop trying.” I said, “Well, you should. I’m not going to change my mind.” Funny.

Speaking of people who have stopped trying – no word from BoyFace. If he’s too busy with school and work to make a few phone calls then I wonder what he was doing looking for a girl?

It didn’t happen. I got to my motorcycle training class and we were in the middle of instruction and I started to get this wave of nausea over me. Next thing I know, I’m laying on the ground and everyone is standing over me asking me if I’m a diabetic. So I passed out. I have no idea why, but yes, Sara and our other friend, PinkPantyLover think it’s my lack of relationship with food. They said they have apparently noticed that I don’t eat a lot. I’m not a big eater, because everything makes me feel ill and the stupid doctors just keep throwing me on medicine instead of helping me figure out why my stomach hates me so much. Anyway, I’m going back tomorrow. Hopefully I make it through the day this time.

Last night was strange. I met that dude up at the Daily Grill as planned. (Sarcasm coming) Nice set up. Not my type at all. And in the middle of our drink that took all of 40 minutes, my phone did not stop ringing. So he went to the bathroom and I went to check my phone and had like 7 missed calls and a text message. I read the message first. BoyFace. Again, WTF? He said he was sorry about this week and he was busy and now he’s in Nebraska. We talked after that and he swears he told me about Nebraska, but I swear I don’t remember being told. Ok. All this occured on my walk home from the Daily Grill and then I met my guy friends Blondie and Boston at JR’s for a drink. Then they had some argument and it was so funny watching these two gay men have a spat. I was cracking up. We then went to Mercado and had a couple more drinks and went home. That was my last 24 hours. That’s all folks.

The dating continues. I am meeting a new IJL date we’ll call IJL-Lawyer at the Daily Grill at 7. Damn it. I just know he’s going to be boring, and I just dried my hair and it looks fucking fab and it sucks to have to waste it on him. Yes, I know, explicit instructions from you assholes – I can hear it now…”DO NOT GIVE OUT THE BLOG ADDRESS.” Okay, okay, I learned.

The Hungarian called me tonight and left me a message. I called him back and got his voicemail so I left a message. Then he called me back when I was at the dog park and since I couldn’t have the awkward conversation with him in front of all those people, I started walking home. Sammy, of course and as usual, was uncooperative. He wanted to mill around sniffing every tree he could find.

Finally I get inside and he asks me if we are going to go out again. I said “I have been thinking about that since I saw you last, and I don’t know what the problem is but I have no chemistry with you.” He said he figured as much. I went on to explain that he is so funny and witty and I have a great time with him but something just isn’t there. So we agreed to not date anymore, and he doesn’t want to be set up with any of my friends. I said it was a shame that it was at this point, and I’m sure he wants to move on and find someone new but he said that we should get a drink one night next week as friends. We’ll see if that really happens and if he really is interested in staying friends. Too bad. He’s a cool dude. I wish I could force the chemistry, but I can’t.

And speaking of chemistry, BoyFace is still M.I.A. I guess I should just get over it. I would love to know what I did, but I suppose that I never will know the truth. I feel so proud of myself for being honest with the Hungarian, I only wish BoyFace could do the same with me.

In other news, on my little Yahoo homepage in their profiles directory, I updated my “news” and put that I bought a Harley since I did finalize on it already. I got an IM in the middle of the night from my very long term ex-boyfriend that said, “You bought a Harley?” When I saw that, my stomach dropped into China and I almost threw up. He is still reading that profile in hope of finding out anything about me. He might be officially more insane than I am. Funny that we couldn’t make it work. Kidding.

Times like this, I do miss how sincere and genuine he was – in the beginning of course. It makes me realize that good ones are hard to find. Good ones with chemistry – even harder.

I spent the night looking at Harley accessories online. I am so excited!

I suppose that I fucked up. I’m not sure what it was, but I’ve done something horrible. Well, it could be a few things now that I think of it. I’m just not good at this relationship stuff. Whatever it is, I’m sure it was my fault. And of course, I’m sorry, because it could have been a good thing.

Sigh…the Hungarian called. Why is it that the guys you don’t want are the ones who call? I am having a bout of strength, and I’m going to call him and tell him that there is no chemistry with him. Wish me luck.

I jump to conclusions. I’m a girl. That’s what we do. I know, I know, we all thought I was really a guy under there. Mostly I am. But, there’s some insecure female in here too. Ok. The only reprecussion of last night’s meltdown is that I’ve bought a Harley. Hmm. Not sure what I’m doing. But it makes me happy thinking about it, so, good.

The jumping to conclusions thing is a legacy I was destined to inherit, passed down from my mother. She is infamous for jumping to conclusions. Tell her you bumped the car in front of you and she’s calling the ER telling them to anticipate your arrival and she’s ordered cat scans, various x-rays and neck braces. Then, you have to hear about it for years to come. Got a headache? “Honey, it’s from that massive pile up you were involved in, years ago.” And the story always gets worse with time.

I’m listening to 80’s hair bands, trying to calm myself down after my hour long phone call where my ego was soothed, and trying to understand what I have done with this motorcycle.

The Hungarian – ON MY ASS. Calls all the time, seems to get irritated when I don’t call right back and he calls again a few hours later. He said to me that he thinks I’m one of those girls who doesn’t really want a relationship because it’s obvious that I’m not really interested in him by my attitude. (Moi? Attitude?) Then he proposed that we just have sex. How fabulously original. I said No, obviously. Well, you have to give him credit for coming out and admitting what he’s after. But then he digressed into this whole thing about how he’s very attracted to me and he wants to see me, and possibly exclusively and how he was thinking about me today. My answer? I said, “I just heard those same words other day, is there some Continuing Ed Class going on right now that all you guys are attending?” Why I am such a bitch I have no idea. That wasn’t cool to say. He seemed irritated by that. And my follow up comment was, “Hey, I am not one of those charming chicks who always knows what to say.” WTF is wrong with me? Well, he gave me an out by saying that it seems I don’t want any sort of tie up with him. Now all I have to do is agree. So, I’ll have to call him…which greatly conflicts with my habit of not calling anyone.

I know, I know. You’re dying for details on BoyFace. I just can’t. Well, ok, I can for a little. He called me tonight after a few text messages and we talked for about an hour. A guy friend of mine was here, and BoyFace was sort of asking about that, and of course if he really knew the truth and how boring it is he wouldn’t have bothered to ask. The Guy Friend – J, did want to sleep here, but he thought we were “good enough friends for him to sleep in my bed.” I’m pretty picky about who sleeps in the bed, ahem, Sammy dog even waits for his invitation.

When faced with the couch or driving home, Guy Friend J drove home. Do I look like I was born yesterday? And in his little wifebeater he was the perfect picture of a trashy one night stand – well, for some girl I suppose. Ick. No thank you.

I think about what my boss tells me that his golden rule is about land deals. “If they are not talking to you, they are talking to someone else.” The man is a genius about a lot of things. But this is something I just keep thinking about in relation to my personal life.

I feel like I’ve fallen into a trap. I believed all of what BoyFace said to me, because it seemed so genuine. ‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone Velvet.” Or, “You’re so amazing Velvet.” Now I look back and wonder if I’m just being played. I am of the belief that if someone likes you, then they want to talk to you. And no matter how busy they are, they find a way to call you or email you just to let you know that they are thinking about you. What makes all of this so much worse is the fact that before we met, he was emailing like nuts. Non-stop, all day. And once he had my number, he was calling or texting. All of that mysteriously stopped after the dating begins – and that’s the standard trick of every guy. You start out thinking, “Wow, this one is different.” But he isn’t. They all seem so awesome in the beginning, but then eventually end up becoming just like every other guy. Yup. I’m pissed. But I’m really just pissed at myself for thinking that, well, this time it could be different. I was wrong.

She’s gone. Finally. Thankfully. Peace and Quiet. Never thought I could appreciate it so much.

Before she left, however, leave it to her to screw one thing up for me. This morning she was on the phone with her mom making arrangements for her subsequent drop off. She busts into the bathroom where I am enjoying a leisurly pee (hello, privacy?) and hands me the phone and says it’s someone whose name she doesn’t know. I look at the phone, and it’s the Hungarian. I tell him I have to call him back because the child is on the phone with her mom. I could not stop laughing, because I had basically decided to handle this my usual way and not handle it at all. So my plans were to not answer the call and not return the call if and when it came. But there went that plan.

After I dropped the child off and came back, I cleaned (kids really make a mess) and then I passed out asleep. I woke to the phone ringing. It was the Hungarian again. Why is it that the guys you don’t know what to do about and don’t want to talk to are the ones who call you a bunch of times and the ones you really want to talk to never call you. WTF?? So I pick up in my sleepy voice and he’s like, “Are you sleeping?” I said yes. He said “A nine year old wore you out?” I said “Yes.” Then he just starts a conversation. Didn’t I just say I was sleeping? I said, “Can I just talk to you tomorrow?” He goes “Do you want to see me tomorrow?” I said, “Can I think about it when I wake up?” And he practically hung up. He goes, “Ok, fine. Bye.” And that was that. Back to my first impression of him – if you are going to get nasty and snotty when you hear something you don’t like, then, fuck off.

Christ am I in a bad mood. We lost a deal on Thursday in Arlington and the major one in D.C. on Friday. I officially have nothing to do tomorrow except find something to do.

I have been asked every question possible today. I’ve been asked why elephant poop is the size it is. I’ve been asked why there is lightening in one part of the sky but not another. I’ve been asked why people are homeless, why there is a hole in the side of the Sprite can, why a slurpee makes one’s mouth blue, why I have to shift gears and other cars don’t and why my dog smelled another dog’s vagina. These questions have been going on since 8:00 a.m., a ridiculous hour on a Saturday for someone like myself who prefers to sleep until 11:00 most days. The questioner just fell asleep 10 minutes ago, at midnight, and I have never been so thankful for peace and quiet.

The only question I have after today is whether anyone out there can take pity on me and tie my tubes. I’m not cut out for this. I just can’t make conversation with a child who asks endless questions of why, why and why. I can’t understand someone who doesn’t even try things on their own before asking for help: “This is broken,” “Where’s the spoon?” ” Can you tie my shoe?” I can’t tolerate someone who disrupts my entire schedule for the day and makes intricate plans for their entertainment that I am not humanly possible of achieving. I can’t keep up with a child who touches every expensive piece of electronic equipment in my house (cell phone, laptop, digital camera, i-pod…) with the intention of breaking it. I’m beat. I’m wiped out. This child is all of nine years old and she has wiped me of any energy for the rest of the weekend and sapped me of any mere, glint of a desire I had to ever have children. I would like to donate my eggs to science, because I don’t need them. Now, I’m going to bed.

I have never been camping. Ever. I’m the kind of girl who likes to vacation in places where I can call the front desk for another toothbrush or order up some porn. I do NOT like anything that resembles “roughing it.” That being said, I have never crapped anywhere but a toilet. And I’ve never seen anyone else do it anywhere but a toilet either. That is, until last night.

Sara, you have really tested the limits and boundaries of our friendship. You put all five of my senses through the ringer with what I witnessed last night. And to think we were just outside the front gate of your complex. You only had another 100 feet to drive to get to your house. Who just cost WHO another week of therapy???? The title of this blog is from the Allman Brothers, “I’m No Angel” and Sara, it’s all for you.

AAAAHHHH!!! I was just walking Sammy (the love of my life) and I bump into this girl and her dog and my dog were playing and we were talking. Then, who should walk by but that guy from Safeway/the dog park with the SHEMALE. He had his arm around her. So after they pass I tell the girl I’m talking to, “See that guy? He hit on me one night in the dog park and made such a stink to tell me he wasn’t a ‘fag.'” She said they were just in the dog park fighting and she had to do a double take to make sure that it was two guys. Anyway, she and I say goodbye and I walk Sammy then start to head back. And there they are, on the front steps of the building next to mine, the Shemale is crying and the dude who hit on me is consoling her. I’m all set to just blow right by there FUCKING SAMMY!!! Damn dog goes running right up to them to get his love. Little fucker. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I’m going to roast that damn dog on a open flame if he doesn’t start cooperating.

The HornyHungarian called yesterday morning. He said he knows he’s breaking all the rules by calling the next day but that he “wants more.” WTF??? I’ll chalk that up to a “language barrier.” He asked me to do something Friday he called it the “prime real estate of Friday night” but I said no, that I was watching a friend’s child this weekend. Like how I stretched the babysitting of the child into a whole weekend when it’s really only Saturday now? HA! I tried to blow him off as best I could, but we all know how bad I am at the breakup thing, why should blowing someone off be any different? I’ll deal with it next week.

Anyway, the hookers and I are going out tonight. They want to meet BoyFace. (Hint, hint if you’re reading.) I really want to hook Sara up with the Hungarian but she’s having no part of that.

In case any of you are wondering, my titles mostly come from songs. Sometimes it’s just a song that I’m into at the time, sometimes it actually means something. If you want to know the songs, I’ll be happy to share with you. Now, on to my life.

I started talking to someone on Yahoo Personals a few weeks ago and I sort of kept pushing the first date with him. Let’s call him the HornyHungarian. It ends up that we were supposed to do something over the weekend, and well, I was holding out for door number 2. After I had my fantastic evening on Sunday, I didn’t know what to do about the other date I had lined up. It just didn’t seem like something I wanted to do anymore and I’m bad at multi-tasking. But HornyHungarian left me a real asshole message (“Velvet, I guess you are mad at me because you keep canceling our dates and now you aren’t calling me back….”) I wanted to save my reputation, because you know what? In my world land development, you can never repair damage to your name. Your name and reputation are worth more than anything else you have. (That’s from my dad, I can’t take credit for that.)

So we meet at Starbucks in Dupont Circle. And Sara has expressed her interest in this man. With my mind on “other things”, I figured I would go out with him and try to set the two of them up. Unfortunately he said that wasn’t a good idea and probably thought I was kidding anyway and Sara said something to the effect of “Sloppy Seconds.” Throughout our Starbucks iced teas, he said that I really was the “bigger person” for sending him an email and saying that I was wrong for canceling so many times. In the distance, I can hear the ding ding ding of the slot machine jackpot, for, being the BIGGER PERSON is my God Damned New Year’s Resolution from 2004. We can all thank my family for that. They test my will and push the envelope daily, making me work for that resolution. Does anyone remember when they went to London and Paris without me??? I’m not bitter, really.

Now, the HornyHungarian and I eat at Cosi and the whole thing feels very contrived and fake. I tell him some of my funny dating experiences – namely the one with RestonDork (eau, story to come) and he tells me about his (he cried on his last date when they watched “Finding Neverland.”) Then he walks me back to my apartment. Shit, I need to insert the RestonDork story here because this next part won’t make sense. Ok. Damn. Here comes a digression. I’ll make it short.

Met RestonDork last spring online. We go out. He’s a moron. And he asks if I told anyone I was out with him that night. (Hello? Serial Killer???) So I was like, “Oh yes, tons of people. In fact, BestGuyFriend-M may stop by…” And he says, “What did he say when you told him we were going out?” And I said, “Well, he said what he always says, ‘Don’t have sex with him.'” So RestonDork and I are leaving the restaurant and he walks me back to my apartment and upstairs (ick) and he walks in, stands in my foyer and declares, “So…any chance you would not listen to that advice your friend gave you?” And I said, “No, he’s always right.” And RestonDork says, “BYE.” He leaves. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. There’s more to that story to prove what a dork he was, i.e. just went on vacation with his ex-girlfriend two weeks prior, gave his kids back to his mentally unstable ex-wife so he could live happily with the aforementioned girlfriend and HER kids…WTF??? but these stories are irrelevant. We all know I wouldn’t be writing this if most men didn’t provide me with such great material.

Back to the HornyHungarian. He says, “Are you going to invite me up?” I said “No. You just asked me about that date and you totally said I was wrong for inviting him up to my apartment.” So we have this awkward goodbye which my neighbor witnessed (thanks for saving me you bitch) and he left. And I felt guilty the whole time I was out with him. Well, perhaps not guilty, but, like I was just in the wrong place. Do you ever look at someone when you are on a subway who is on another subway, and you are going one direction and they are going the other and you think, “Am I supposed to be over there?” It’s not a literal feeling, like, “Shit, I’m on the wrong train.” It’s more of a feeling like, “This train is taking me to work, or whatever, and I wonder if that train is going to take me somewhere better or happier.” That’s just how I feel.

Then I come inside and start texting BoyFace, my fab date from the other night. Then there are phone calls with Sara and BestGuyFriend-M. Then more texting. Then a phone call with BoyFace. Then I end up over there at 1 a.m. What the hell? I wouldn’t get out of bed at 1 a.m. for a winning lottery ticket and this man can will me to get out of bed AND drive over to his house? It’s like I’m in high school again. Except this time it’s a lot more fun. Oh, and this time I’m not yet having sex. Still don’t want to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but I shall try my hardest to not fuck this up if for only one reason… BoyFace – you take my breath away.

Ohh…..the pain and distant familiarity of the hangover. I’ve managed to avoid it for a long time with my equation of three gin and tonics only after a full dinner. But, the hangover is alive and well inside my head right now. Crystal, the one with the dying cat, is here to put the cat to sleep. Sara and I met her at Finn and Porter’s in Alexandria and someone decided that we should smoke a little pot. This is something that I never do, I have never really been a fan of pot. But when they said they had some left over from a long time ago, I said a very enthusiastic “Let’s go!!” This of course, surprised the crowd. I hope the Feds aren’t reading this.

Anyway, what transpired from the evening can be drilled down to these simple statements. Enjoy.

1) Sara: “David was in a Danceoff.” Crystal: “Did he win?”
No one in two months of Sara telling that story has anyone ever asked if he won. They’ve just been disgusted and agreed with her decision to send the “Don’t contact me anymore” text message.

2) Sara: “Do they just wait around for an able-bodied person to come over so they can scratch things off their honey-do list?”
After Crystal gets off the phone with Dan, her ex-roommate in a wheelchair, she says he asked her to come by while she’s in town to hang some shelves.

3) Me: “Sammy, don’t scratch Auntie’s new cabinets.” Sammy: “I know, it took her forever to pick them ou…”

4) Crystal: “You just sounded like Beavis or Butthead, I’m not sure which.”

5) Sammy: “Hello Pedro!”

6) Sara: “You just cost me another week in therapy Crystal.”

7) Sara to Crystal about Me: “She is SO hetero. When I’m around her I feel more hetero.”

8) Sara: “We need to hire a court reporter.”

9) Me: “Sara? Can I introduce my ass to your toilet seat?”

After these legible ones that we wrote down, I can’t understand anything else on this list. Crystal wrote a bunch of stuff that makes no sense right now, but I’m sure it was funny last night. I’m not sure if I can get out of bed yet. And I really wanted to go to the gym. I have a fab new idea since I’ve been so stuck with my leg workout, I was going to get back to squats and I want to do them now. But I really hurt. Wah Wah Wah, I’m such a baby. These complaints make me think I’m starting to sound like someone I call Mom, who by the way just called me from Linens & Things. She wanted to know if I have a blender. Gotta love that Mommy. Always up to something. When she was about to hang up she said, “Anything going on?” And I sort of wanted to tell her that I met someone faaaaaaaaaaaaabulous, but then, I was scared again, like I will jinx it. So far, I’ve only confided in Sammy. And he’s a damn good secret-keeper.

I can’t believe it. I actually had a good date on Sunday night. Well, it was really a great date. The whole night had a feeling of being back in 7th grade, but not as geeky and awkward as those days were. I’m afraid to talk too much about it for fear of jinxing myself. And I really have to jump off here because my fabulously gay friend Boston is here using my other computer and threatening to masturbate with my scented hand soap. I hope there’s more news to come. And I hope my spell has been broken.

OMG!!! The highlight of my week (blog to come next) is in competition with my mention on Pink is the New Blog… I feel famous. Not Paris Hilton famous, but Eric Roberts famous.

http://trent.blogspot.com/

See prior post if you need to catch up. This is so weird but the cat is dying now and Crystal and her boyfriend are in “negotiations” as to whether the cat can be flown out to her in Wisconsin. She’s going to have to come here. The feminists in the world are shreiking with horror. She will never forgive herself if that cat dies.

I’m still waiting for that Xanax. Or is it Zanax. Aww, fuck it.

Well, Crystal just called from her boyfriend’s house in Wisconsin. She moved out there to try to make their relationship work. (This is the relationship with the man who she was trying to ship her stuff to and he said he didn’t know his address. Yup, I really think he wants her there.) Anyway, she has just informed Sara that they are going to work it out, but can Sara keep her cat indefinitely because he doesn’t want it in his house. Then he changed his mind and said that he will let her keep her cat if she gets a job. Is that supposed to be a compromise? Some people think this is part of the sacrifice that is necessary in a relationship. Very mad at him. I think this is crap. A compromise is something like picking up someone’s dry cleaning even though it is totally out of your way and makes you late to your aerobics class. If some guy, any guy, say THE guy, asked me to give up my dog, he would be history so fast his ass would have a footprint from where I kicked him out. Perhaps this is why I am still single? It haunts me because I’m too smart to put up with any of this shit. I’m so irritated. I need a Xanax to calm down.

Damn, does anyone have any Xanax?

Sorry for the massive delay between posting times. I know my fans (ahem, that would be Sara) really wait with bated breath for the posts. And for the skeptics, yes, “bated” is spelled right. Consult my source: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-bai1.htm By the way, you should all know not to question my knowledge about a word that is encapsulated inside one of the worlds favorite pastimes (in the past tense in this case) – – – MASTURBATED.

Now. I’ve promised a blog about Vicodin Stealing Derek. Here goes.

Derek lived in my old apartment complex in Rockville. He used to try to talk to me when I was walking the dogs, but I wasn’t really having any part of it. After he moved out, I bumped into him at Hard Times Cafe. The girls were drooling over him and no one believed me when I said I knew him. But then he came over and we started talking. As the night progressed (meaning: We Got Drunker) I started showing everyone how to do a striptease from the rafters on the balcony. Why I was doing this when it was under 20 degrees outside, I have no clue. (I pay dearly for this blatant disregard of the weather later on in the story.) Anyway, Derek caught me, literally and figuratively, and that was that. We exchanged numbers and started dating.

But then I got sick a couple weeks later. Massively ill and my throat closed up and I couldn’t talk or eat. So, I drag myself to Shady Grove ER, check in, and promptly black out on their floor. They dragged me to a bed and put me on IV fluids. Derek is calling and calling, but I’m in the ER, and they don’t want you on your damn cell phone.

The hospital releases me in the middle of the night with an Rx for Vicodin, which can’t be filled until the morning, obviously. I stop at Mobil on the way home to grab a breakfast bar because I’m STARVING, but the one Vicodin they gave me to take hasn’t kicked in, so I can’t eat it yet. Then I go home, sleep for a few hours, wake up at 10 and drag my poor malnourished body to Target to fill the Rx. I am in so much pain that I can’t talk. On the way home I buy popsicles because it is all I can manage to eat. Even Peanut Butter and Jelly scorch the crap out of my throat. Derek calls and wants to know why I didn’t answer his calls. He feels bad (or so he says – evidence of how “bad” he feels is coming soon) and he asks if he can do anything. I ask him to walk the dogs.

He comes right over and walks Sammy and Thora for all of 15 seconds. Then he comes in, and tries to mess with me, and I’m like, “Damn! I just got out of the ER. Cut me a break.” So then we start talking about my health insurance and the imminent hospital bill and he calls for information on Cobra for me…even though I didn’t ask him to. Well, in the process of this useless phone call, he spills 22 ounces of coffee on my rug. He makes no attempt to clean it up. Then something tells me that I’ve left the Vicodin unattended and I am having a flash of how interested he was in the Vicodin. So I ask him if he took any. He said he put 2 in his pocket. We have an argument, I tell him to put them back because I want them. He wants to trade for 2 Percoset. What is this – The Flea Market? So I’m cleaning the coffee, recovering my Vicodin and he asks if he can eat my much coveted breakfast bar!!! Well, there it is. Like I always say, Sometimes the Straw that Breaks the Camel’s Back isn’t a Very Big Straw.

The words “Get out” come out of my mouth. He leaves, but he calls non-stop. I don’t answer his calls and figure he’ll eventually get the hint. He doesn’t. Hello to all the men out there. When she doesn’t return your calls, she’s no longer interested. Move on.

Derek tries to trick me by calling from a different number a month or so later. I fall for it, pick up, realize it’s him and quickly get off the phone with empty promises to call back. I never do. Until, that is, a drunken night with Sara weeks later. She wanted to prank people. I offer up Derek as a prime target. First number: Disconnected. Second number: The person who answers says, “Montgomery County Penitentary.” That fucker called me from JAIL. Damn that Horny Non-Dog Walking Coffee Spilling Breakfast Bar Mooching Vicodin Stealing Derek.